Life will always tell you when the time is right..

I am reading the love letters of Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Barrett ..I wonder if the last name is right.  I am on the first letter...Robert talks about how once upon a time many years earlier but Elizabeth was sick...so he never saw her...

It is funny how sometimes in life we meet or come close to meeting those we were meant to be with...only the timing is wrong...how we still have things we need to accomplish as people before we are given the gift of love...

I am sad now...Jasmine emailed me saying she needed to focus on her future marriage.  I was sad at first, happy for her in a way but a little angry that she never gave me a chance to say goodbye...I  feel a little used in a way...that if I didn't fuck her then she didn't want to know me but that really is only insecurity talking and frankly her choice in the right one. 

It would be easy to be angry at her but I am not going to do that to her....she has enough to deal with, enough guilt to carry in her heart...

I hope she finds happiness...I did love her...but the girl of my dreams...sees me..at least she did for a day...

i still have doubts she will stay seeing me...but I am hopeful...

Happiness and fear

Today will likely go down as one of the best in my life even though I feel like crap...stupid GEBO drinking arg..

 

SHUT UP...quit your complaining, take it like a man..gebadia...talk quiet plz..

 

Now I am whispering..it is the life of a man with multiple personalities.  Gebo decided he liked the name Bloody Marie so he had to have one and is paying for it...where was I...oh happy..SHE FINALLY SAW ME...sometimes you meet a girl that you really have to work for..you have to pull out all the stops and the whole time, you are like...this will never work...she will never see me..I am just some fool who saw her in a Facebook feed...an amusing boy who writes pretty words.

 

FUck kill me plz..my head is pounding...

 

Who is whining now..

 

Shut up I will do it again and this time I will buy the cheap stuff...you know I love the pain...

 

Sorry I am lost...oh yah...so this morning and yesterday she says she wants to give us a chance...now I don't think either of us knows what that means.  Neither of us has a clue...how this can work..she is there I am here and our bodies, our personalities are the type where at night, the day, the morning the desire to be next to the one we would love would overwhelming at times.  Something that sadly we would have to wait for and find comfort in only words. 

 

So many questions neither us knows..we have proclaimed to be true to each other but have no title...I don't want a title because with it comes pressure...

 

In this day and age Facebook relationship status has become the thing all guys want..it is our way to pee on the other person's profile...to tell her friends and for her to tell mine that this person is taken...still I don't want it...don't need it...once you add a title there is pressure and we are both afraid...

the reality is too many nights when she is lonely she will roll over and not be able to have me hold her...I hate that..until I can give that to her..I don't feel like I have earned the right to pee on her...(animals pee to mark there territory.  I wasn't suggesting I was into golden showers. lol)

 

It is hard this distance thing...the trust will be hard...but it is ok for me ...I do not need or want to be with anyone else and I am not worried about her being with anyone else...

 

I learned with Jasmine that words hold no guarantees, how being faithful which she was not is a choice you have to make over and over again..  Titles don't change that... Trying to control someone, using big promises, giving them heck, grilling them.. can't stop someone from making an unfaithful choice...  so really you can either chose to worry about something you could never control..or you can just trust in god or life or in yourself, in her....I have wasted too many moments worrying about stuff I have no control over...so whatever happens, happens....

 

Not that it will be easy...she is beautiful...breathtaking...being a guy...you realize the things other guys will say..what you would say or try to be with a girl like her....but still the most basic element of love of anything pure is trust...and so today...I leave my cave and learn to care as a man would care, love as a man would love, trust as a man would trust.  Truth is I have no idea what that means..except to tell her I l....her...and want her to be happy and having the courage to believe I am worth it...worth her chosing me...being with me....realistically there is nothing else you can do as person..

 

I will just say to my bella, my arianna, my elizabeth....my ariella and today my lady Gwyniver( so can't spell it ) live, smile, don't change... let me be wings and not a weight, let the knowledge that you will always have a fire in me to keep you warm, that my thoughts will be of you, give you strength...whatever you need my darling Gwyniver to make this work I will give it to you..

 

 Blah, blah, blah...seriously Gebadia you are worse than the Vodka...all you have to do is bring the thunder..rock her world...cause her back to arch and leg....

Shut up Gebo...

What...the girl is hot...makes you want to howl...Howwwwllllll...howwwlllll

True that...she is a stand on the roof tops and scream to the world...type of girl...yes tonight I shalll howl...

I am falling in love

SHE ... YES....

I fear I will take her for granted

It is one in the morning...I have not written all day because for the moment or for most of the day my heart was at ease...  You meet a girl..the girl who your heart has imagined your whole life...and for at least a moment it seems as if she sees beneath all the crap into the person you are trying to be and says yes...I will give you a chance Gebadia to hold my heart in yours...I should be happy...I should be dancing in the street..but I am more afraid than happy...Afraid I will take her for granted because it is what I have done in the past. 

Afriad I will relax...and stop seeing her...seeing this wonderful girl in front of me...I will act harshly..cruelly and hurt her...and then when I act that way..when she threatens to leave I will turn into the prince again...and back and forth we shall go like this...it taking almost losing her...for me to try again, until one day she shall awake and decide I am not her poet, not her king...

And maybe with any other girl in this world I would not care, but with her I do...I am scared I will not have learned my lesson...I am afraid I am my father because that is what he did...I saw my mom cry tears of lonliness when she was with him...tears of sadness at being with a man who did not know how to love...  I see those same flaws in me even though I have jetisoned him from my heart...a child learns how to love from what he sees around him...

All I ever saw in real life was insanity..and so I turned to TV, to movies...and love is not like that..I thought I had learned but I took Jasmine for granted in the end..even now the fact bella might give me a chance...makes me want to run out and destroy this..it is tempting...so easy to do...not to believe...it would be easier to simply drown this fear in meaningless moments with others than believe she might love me and believe I might never take that love for granted.  Is horrid of me that I am tempted..tempted to simply be the weak, pathetic man I have been for most of my life? 

but I can't...I have to face my demons..I have to go through my hell, I have to face every demon, every doubt, i am standing on an empty street, the wind cuts through my clothes, the hail, scratches the flesh from my skin and there I stand a naked skeleton having to rebuild myself from the single droplet of good in me, the one part, the dream of her that remained pure, not corrupted from life...

but she must promise to never, ever, ever even let me come close to taking her for granted, she must promise if I even hurt her feelings, even a little, to look me in the eyes and say my dearest Gebadia don't take me for granted because alone on the moors, in some cold castle chair you will sit for eternity staring at you hand empty where mine should be if you do...if she could promise me that...that one single thing...I would not let my fears destroy this seed which is growing in us..

Zen morning ritual - 30dec08

I need to relax more...

gebadia stop fucking your life up

what are you doing, the green is killing you...you need to stop giving in...it makes us feel horrible..pls stop...you are not allowed to email bella until you make it 2 days..new years without any vices..

It is like a sickness

Well I am glad Gebo is out because it is hard sometimes to take him... things are simple for him.  For me not so much.  When it comes to living life without vices it is a wild ride where my heart will just start to ache for no reason.  Twitter actually helps with that but I am still faced with the reality here I sit on my computer typing and using the random thoughts of other people's lives to fill the void in my own.

I so much want more than this...I just don't know how to get more than this...  Something broke inside me long ago when I realized how poorly I treated Asha....  To spend 2 years being verbally abusive to another human being...to not realize you are doing it because you are so screwed up inside.  the knowledge that you hurt someone over and over and over again who just wanted to love you and have you love her... 

Maybe I think deep down I don't deserve love.  In the bible it...well somewheres it says are sins are returned 3 fold and if that is the case I still have another year to go before I am free of this purgatory.. 

It was last year when I started my own business that I decided to go off my meds and for the most part it...lol...it has been hell...I am afraid of everything...of leaving my house...of living...of basic human interaction..but that is only the case here in Edmonton...when I leave this city, when I go somewheres warm I am so free...I talk to everyone...I make friends...I laugh, I drink, I smile, I live...but here I die...and I need my vice...I need my green because this is too much...the...

What the fuck did I tell you gebadia about this whiny bullshit..feeling sad are we...go stick your dick in someone...drink some beer..watch some sports...even buy a hooker cause it is better than this whiny ass poor me...yes you suffer from depression and it is so annoy..like I am on a fucken raft watching you screw every single good thing up in your like...oh and the green..the so called green you claim helps...make me fuck stupid...I am here trying to make this Facebook app you are building a reality and it is puff the magic dragon...

I...am sorry gebo...I don't mean it...you know how it is....

I know gebadia..I am lonely too...and Bella is the first girl since Asha I like too but she is 20... a child...let her go...just focus on you and be her friend...she can't fill the void in you..nothing will...it is our curse to carry..we were not meant for love...it is not in our stars and you know this...you know our fate is different...

Why...all I ever wanted gebo was love...to...

Gebadia you saw how you were with Asha...always worried you would screw up, always afraid you would make a mistake..never enjoying anything..you feel the same way about Bella...you are so worried you are going to say the wrong thing because you want it so much and she is like eh...maybe if life finds us a way...you are here saying to her I want to see you and she is like .....  you have to stop falling so hard for these girls.....but that is not the point...We can't do this...you know the damagi...they cannot handle love...it messes with the chemicals in our brain...

I know...but she is breathtaking geb...

i know Gebadia..I know....it is hard for me too...I went to Gebula S and cast talk to oour connection in the jumpers network...they did some checking and in another life...the website nebogebo you tried to get le.ca to build before they screwed you over...actually worked and was a success... you met Bella in a Facebook group...talked to her...flew up to meet her... it was like magic...a kiss for the ages...right now you are off walking the ruins of Machu Pichu or how ever that is spelled...

Thanks gebo..

Hey...no you don't

What the fuck do you think your doing Gebadia?

I want to write to her...I miss her...

Dear god did you not read what she wrote to you about not wanting to spend all her time on a stupid PC...how she wants to experience life. how can she do that and write to you all the time...it would take her 4 hours to read your stupid long ass whiny emails and then an hour to respond...LEt her be...

But...

don't but me...do you realize how little sex we have gotten in the past year? There was the whole you getting mentally messed up so dick wouldn't work...seriously what is wrong with you...oh let me guess your going to complain about your past, or the fact your dad was an idiot, or the fact you live at home...WAKE THE FUCK up and get over it..

She...

Don't even start...let the girl miss you... do you get sick of chocolate at xmas?

Yah..

Well you are being like chocolate...you need to let her miss it for awhile..DO NOT EMAIL HER... do not comment on her photos, do not say anytthing..

What..

What if she doesn't respond...well guess what fool, ijustine doesn't respond to me with I @justine her on twitter...and I that nerd look with glasses and dumb blonde...iayayayaya...makes me so hard I could do a penis spin and win dancing with the stars...

Fine...still...

I know you want to sulk, smoke another green which is why where I once had a six pack I have love handles...

I can't scream because I know she might read this...

There were two reasons I created gebalove.  The first was as a place where I could scream, rant and rave so I might get rid of this madness, insecurity, doubts, confusion inside of me...so I might appear to be somewhat sane to this girl...this Arianna, this Ariella, this Bella, this Desdamona...lol she is many faces to me...the second was in hopes you good folks would donate a dollar or two which would help me go to Malta and make this real....

 

It seems I have failed at both because I am afraid to vent because I cannot hurt my darling Bella...I would sooner cut off my hands than ever hurt that girl...  A blog is public and she might read it...  I only got $2 of donations so likely you think me cray and this girl is better off not knowing me...

 

Bella if you read this...I need to scream...I need to vent.....often we yell at god even though we love him or her with all our hearts...not saying you are god...but the idea is still the same. 

 

I would not change a thing about you.

Please understand my doubt....my fears...that this loniliness makes it so hard for me to understand why you do not write me more....or msn me...or let me hear your voice on the phone...I complain...and maybe somedays I do understand...

 

but I would give the world to spend 10 minutes with you on the phone...

 

AHHH...shut up Gebadia...I do not know how to ... focus on yourself Gebadia...forget her...let her come to you...it is the way of the world...the way of the heart...you cannot force things...you have told her how you feel fool....if she sees magic in you then she will come to you...until then be her friend...

 

GEbo I can't she won't come...they never come...jasmine wanted my dick...

 

Gebadia your an idiot...JAsmine was engaged to be married...it was all she could do...you idiot..you saw how at times when her mask broke...she loved you...not stop being a pussy...Bella..is not stupid like you...she knows....she will not find a guy like you anywheres....she has told you that this time is for her...so let her be...let her have the fuckin time..BE her friend and if she is smart she will chose you...

 

You know it is never that easy for me...

 

I know...your stupid self destructive idiot...who will screw this up...but try not to...cause Bella...she is like Asha..the type of girl you don't meet more than a couple of times in your life...we are getting old you and I and I want some sex....

 

 

A second later I feel foolish - a prayer to god..

This is the way my heart works, the way an emotional heart works... it is hell being me..always unsure if how you feel is an accurate representation of reality or just a moment of emotional high or low.  People say I am so intense, it is because I do not trust my eyes, or what my heart feels anymore...she does write...she does try...but I don't give her the space to miss me...and that is what I must do...

 

I am so insecure...so messed up when it comes to people.  I am like Edward Scissor hands in a dark room crowded room, trying to find the door...

 

I surrender..god please help me...just once I want to get this right...  I failed with Asha, I failed with Chika, I failed with TJ, I failed with Jordan, I failed with Jasmine...I fail...I fail....I don't want love god...I know I don't deserve love...yes I want love...but I have made too many mistakes...am too wrecked inside...I have been wrecked since I was a child.... 

 

I am so tired of sitting alone at night looking at my gmail hoping anyone will take a moment to write me something personal and the only people who are are spammers...  I spend all my time looking at my twitterfeed trying to ease the lonliness that plaques my soul...It is too much to ask one person to fill that void...  why do I always have to beg and fight for people to want to know me.....

 

Forget love...I would give the world for a friend...  for someone who would call me and want to talk to me... I hate this computer, I hate what it has made me...

 

I ask too much of Bella...I need to just let go...not care...relax...why can I never relax when it comes to people...I am so afriad they will leave me...that now I make them leave me...

 

I am sorry bella I am not a better man, that I write too much....that I have no fucken idea about what I am doing...I just want friendship...love..who cares about love...love is something I do not like or know...I...

 

 

Today I am sad...today I give up...

It is funny how one day my heart can give me the confidence of a knight charging head on into a battle he is certain to win...and the next you realize how foolish such a battle was.  Words are just words.  I thought about this a lot last night when I could not sleep...  When the demons came and I had no vice to drown them out. 

 

I have so many doubts...maybe I am sad because Jasmine has disappeared confirming all she wanted was my dick and not me...  I just get everything wrong when it comes to girls and somehow I always push them away...because I need to protect myself...maybe this is what I am trying to do.  Here are my doubts..my questions and I don't even trust my perspective on things...too often I will wake up and realize my emotions lied to me...

 

Here are my doubts...things I don't know about...I worry about...I know Bella says she is busy...  I know she does not want to be in a relationship...but she also hints that she does find me interesting, does care about me beyond the normal friendship found on Facebook, that if we had met in person perhaps...at least that is what her words hint at...but there are still doubts, things that do not make sense to me...

 

All I know is this...the most important thing to me is to have her as a friend... I am scared that more will push her away...I don't know...why can't woman have a manual?

 

I may be emotional...but I notice things.  See even though their is distance, even though the timing is wrong, if she were really interested or even a little interested, Bella would make more of an effort to get to know me.  I am not saying this to be mean...just trying to figure it out because....I don't get woman at all..When Robert Browning wrote letters to his Elizabeth she wrote back... 

 

1.  Wouldn't she take the time to MSN or FB chat me once in awhile.  Every girl I have ever met email really was secondary to MSN or FBchat and it doesn't mean we spent a lot of time on the computer...just 10 minutes or 15 minutes talking about our days.  It is normal I think.

 

2.  She would ask more questions about me.  I have always found that when someone is interested in you, they ask questions, they want to find out more.  She does ask questions...maybe I am letting my emotions mess me up here...

 

3.  She would want to talk to me on the phone. 

 

4.  She would want to see me...at least give me a date when I could come to Malta and see her...it is not easy for me to get to Malta...

 

5.  She would ...write poetry for me...  take a chance.. 

 

FUCK FUCK...I don't know..I don't know anything..my boss just came in and yelled at me for 30 minutes because I got mad that he responded to an email addressed to me. 

 

But as for Malta girl...I give up...tomorrow I might not give  up... friends...  I will not hope for anything more...  I love her...maybe...I don't know but she knows how I feel and frankly to get me...the girl needs to work a heck of a lot harder...

 

Until she does that...we are friends...I will act as a friend and suppress the buring fire inside for more...  It cannot be uneven... it cannot be me feeling more for her than me...I will not let it...

 

If she wants me...I want poetry, I want to spend time talking to her on the phone, I want it all...and I will not accept less because it is me who would have to make the big move, it is me who has to fly to Malta to see her...I will fly once to see her as a friend...but if she wants to date me...to feel the burning fire in my heart...to know what it is like to be seen for the first time in your life...to not doubt for a second that she is the most beautiful girl in the world to me...to have me become her knight slaying the dragon of distance...then she will have to work for it...because I am worth that much and more....

 

Until then all she gets is my friendship...

 

 

car pe dium I am going for it

For the faithful readers of my blog...well for the imaginary faithful readers..since I average 10 views a day...I have made a choice. I am going to make it so hard on poor Bella...yes I am...not in a bad way...in a good way...

The thing about Bella is I speak the same language as her...I feel deeply like she does but the distance is wrong and the timing is wrong. Now I could use that time where Bella figures things out to continue to drink and smoke the green and likely get 100's of whining poor me blog posts... the problem is if I do that I will end up living at home with my mother...god bless the woman until I am 50..when they make a hollywood movie about the tech nerd who wouldn't leave home..

or I could use that time to get in shape for me... I could quit drinking for me... I could quit my fun with the green for me... find a hobbie outside of the computer. Become a better man... write truly beautiful love letters for Bella...that only she will see and have for the rest of her life...on old paper...with burnt edges...with magic words...a gift from my heart in words for a shoebox to show her daughter when she has one... and then when she asks...when she says Gebadia come see me...I will get on a plane fly to where ever she wants to meet...for I won't even notice the setting..I will only notice her...and we shall sit, drink something chocolate, talk, be nervous...say the wrong thing, laugh nervously as we try to relax around each other and decide if we are actually attracted to each other in person.

The first visit won't last long..a day or two because with Bella...I don't want to rush...she has a timid heart...it will need a gentle, patient touch. She will need to know I will not hurt her... I also want to keep it short because I want her to know that if I so decreed she could...lol....having fun...feeling confident which as you know never happens often...if I should be so lucky that her eyes and heart would fall upon me...and if she should be so lucky that mine would fall upon her...I would want her to know that her dreams would matter to me...that dating me...being with me would not change who she was going to be...I would want to show her that trust and so the first time would be a moment...

Plus I do not want to rush Bella...I want her to have this time for her...a girls need this time..to figure out who they are going to be...I have seen too many people not find there path...and
regret it later in life...and I will not be the reason for that with Bella...her I will let life decide..

That said if magic was in the air...if our lips longed to touch...our bodies screamed to be together...if the world faded away completely where at times it was hard to breath....I would stop being timid and be like some sort of hero from a romance novel. i would grab in my arms..gentle but a tad rough like passion is and I would kiss her...with lips first...and follow her lead as our emotions would dance as our skin sought to touch...be next to eachother...our hearts beating...a newness...that I have not felt in so long....with her...it would be difficult because so much would scream to have her...and yet I would want to take the time to devourer ever inch of her...lol...down boy...

If we were to find that passion...or just the knowledge that it existed in us...together

Well then I would simply have to become a millionaire, fly to Malta and say lets give this a try...but only when she is ready...I will not rush my darling Bella...

See the thing about doing this for me...about becoming a better man for me is if I go Malta and the chemistry is not right...or if some boy wins her heart before she has a chance to experience the Gebadia who can make a girl feel like she has been seen for the first time with a look...well then I can be her friend...I can be the person that sends her flowers when she is down, tells her about the good qualities in her when she forgets...not that I know a great deal about the girl in Malta yet...

She is worried I will see her flaws and run... I hope she is flawed...then i don't have to be perfect...

Truth is I hope I never do know too much about her through this computer screen...I hate the fact I have ever had to know her through a computer screen because I feel like I am missing the fireworks which knowing her in person would be like...

So I plan to make it hard on her by becoming the best version of me... I am certain that we will find some sort of love...if it is love as friends then great...if it is the ever after kind of love where you spend sunday afternoons, on some sandy beach just walking...together...with the waves teasing your feat completely and totally in love then extra great...

Seems to me both ways I win....because I become a better man..have her in my life as a friend or more..

and if not more....I will just have to end up rich buy playboy.inc, get a lifetime of perscription of viagra and have bunny happiness...

Yes this is my secret plan....Muahahaha

I am going to be quiet...

I have written her the deepest letters from the depths of my heart. I have told her I am a just a boy who is head over feat for her. I have sent her flowers, chocolates and other goodies. And even though there are moments when it seems like I have some effect on her...there are moments when it does not seem like I have any affect or effect..

It is hard to write this post because she might read it. She might say that I am better off without her and will not understand I give my pain, my fears to the world. This is how I talk things out, make sense of trying to win the heart of a girl in my Facebook feed. This is for me..not her...
The facts are she came and talked to me in fbchat and in msn when we first met. She made me a video and yes I am hanging on to the past.... I notice patterns... It is what I do. When a person's actions of interaction grow less, that is a sign that a person is losing interest not the other way around...i know she refuses to turn into a net nerd...I get that but...would a phone call be so bad..would it be the end of the world...she once liked my voice...

Jasmine once liked my voice...not I am sad...that memory made me sad..

Sure we can't fall in love because of the distance...I don't even want that but it would be nice to talk on the phone... to get to know eachother outside of this internet. Don't say you want to get to know me in person, help me find a time to come see I want to say to her. Ask me to come see you...

But I can't...I must not pressure her because she is in the 20 year old be free stage....

I fear she pities me for the pain I have lived...I don't know, I don't know....I just wish I could have some real affect or effect on this girl...but alas...

I must give up hope of more and just be a friend...I must let her come to me if she wants more...I will just focus on being her friend..

Yes that is what I will do...I will not talk of love, of poetry...of how my heart feels alive when ...I think of her...no..no more... I will just let things be...let her come to me...fight for me...if she wants this...I must believe I am worth having a girl fight for me..something that has never happened.. blind faith..

No more vices

I have decided to make this as hard as possible on Bella...  meaning I am not going to give her any...lol...here I wanted to say I am going to get in shape... I am going to quit these vices that hold me down..  The hero breaks free of his shackles.. but it sounds silly and I can't do that for her, I have to do it for me... because the danger of doing that for her, is what if she does not chose me.. then all that effort will be lost... I have to do it for me.. because I want to be better than this...

I am tired of finishing second.  I want Bella to chose me..  She should chose me because I would make her happy...lol..I hate that saying..make someone happy...she is already happy...  I would be her prince, I would hold her with such gentleness, tickle her face as she fell asleep, make love to her all the time..lol ...  I am such a loser...lol

I don't have a clue what I am doing...all I know is I flushed my vices down the toilet..now come the demons..

Pain makes us retreat - I am the elephant man

I often argue that it is pain that shapes us as we grow because like a child who does not touch the stove burner again, we often avoid things that have hurt us in the past... Our lives are no different.. we are constantly adjusting are reality based on what makes us feel good vs what makes us not feel good.  In many ways there is nothing wrong with this.  It is a survival instinct but for some it is also...a curse...because people hurt me...  I do not know how to function in this world..

It has been 5 years since I kissed someone who loved me...hugged someone who loved me...made love to someone who loved me...you can't imagine how every cell of mine screams out in desperate loneliness to simply be loved...and that very desperation, the intensity of it is so overwhelming that it scares people away...I am like the elephant man who took off his mask hoping to be accepted and instead was greeted with screams of horror..

It is why I must leave this city Edmonton...I must find a way to go somewheres where I am not known..so I am not reminded of this past of mine in the eyes of those around me...so I can leave who I was in the past, shed my shell and try this being human again...it is why I cannot let Bella see this part of me...the fear, the doubt, the insecurity...I have shown her so much of it already...when you meet someone truly special you want them to see the best in you but me..I am so fucked up I don't even give them the chance..I am like hey here is all my garbage...DON"T do this...

My idea of a first date is confession...

ever had a limp dick at th wrong time..

Had a chance with her but sadly after TJ I couldn't get it up for like year...and a kinky ass girl in TO...what I am guy...we like sex. Sports, food and sex, is all we need to be happy..well and now for Cialis and Viagra because it is 18 year old dick... when you get around 30 and your out of shape...the first time it is easy to get it up...but the 2 and 3rd the shit works..honestly what is better than sex?

Nerd Cyptonite

I have picked up two chicks or got email addresses which is like the modern phone number using http://sixtyone.com ...2 for 2... you make nerds cool 61...I might get sex one of these days from the girls...then I will be rock nerd using thesixtyone.  bits, bites and boobs..

Insecure much: girlfriend grinds with another guy in front of you..

I often wonder what would be the right way to act if your girlfriend dances erotically with another guy while you are at the bar in front of you. 

First lets discuss how a man looks at things.  See when a guy asks a girl to dance, unless we are actually dancer type people our hope is that we will dance, you will love us and then make out with us, take us home and fuck the hell out of us.  The exception to the rule is someone who can really dance...  So when a guy wants to dance with your girlfriend that is what he is thinking.  Right off the bat you should know because he has a penis and the mind of a penis is very singular that the guy wants to fuck your girl. 

The second thought that occurs is what if he is a better dancer than you are...  Girls relate sex to dancing..it is why I will never date a Latin girl...so in your mind you know that if he can dance better than you, it will occur to her that she will have better sex with him. 

But still if you want to appear confident then of course you have to leave it up to the girl to decide. 

Now I know what you are thinking...

What does it mean if she dances with the guy?

What does it mean if she grinds with him? 

What the hell is a guy suppose to do? 

Do you simply just leave....

Do you smile pretending it doesn't bother you and let it go?

Do you give her heck after or simply talk about it nicely...but shouldn't it be common sense.  Boyfriend watching...

Or should you walk up to the guy, break his fucken nose, and then crush his knees, spend the night in jail?

Well without being certain I will venture to answer this question.  I suppose if I wanted to write a longer blog I could tell you why woman do things like this.  Maybe you were an ass, maybe she just wants to know if you care, or maybe she is just horny as hell.  Most things like this tend from insecurities...just like most sluts are really insecure people...

You go to the washroom, get a drink, come back and smile like nothing happened.  If you are sleeping with her, then you take her home, fuck the living hell out of her.  Make sure to make the sex the best you have ever had with her.  Spend 30 minutes with your head between her legs.  Then after you are done, tuck her into bed...wish her a good night or even cuddle with her if you are sleeping over.  Get up early, go get a flower for her which you leave on the bed with a note saying thank you for a wonderful night.

Then you wait for her to call you.  don't call her, don't email her, don't text message her.  Let her come to you.  Now however you do it after she makes first contact you say hon we need to talk.  Now unlike woman which just expect you to know what you did wrong, your a man so you say it bluntly...don't candy ass around. 

You say "Girl that shit just ain't cool.  It is rude to grind with another guy in front of me or even when I am not around...I don't know if you are insecure, or trying to get back at me but you don't date me and do that.  You got a problem with something I did, or if you don't know I care about you then talk to me.  If we can't talk about hard stuff...then there is no point doing this." 

If she gives you a hard walk away...you are allowed not to like to see that.  Dancing, grinding is a very intimate sexual things..it is something that you just don't do unless she is a professional dancer or he is...but still...

Then you let it go after that.  You do not bring it up again in a fight...you do not rub it in her face.  If she does it again then you break it off with her because she is too insecure to trust. 

lol...yah right...you don't walk away from a girl like Bella

You don't...in this life, this world you only get so many chances with girls like her.  The ones where the chemistry is instant...  I have searched my whole life for a girl like her...I hate saying that because it must feel like pressure to her..  but it is true.  A life time of searching and maybe it is a dream to think as we age we can ever be perfect, without baggage or cracks in us.  Maybe it is enough to be fuck up but to have gentleness towards one person. 

I just don't want to be my father who would work hard to win a girls heart and then take that woman for granted.  So many I...I fear I have lost my voice... I don't have a choice here...

When you meet a girl like that their never will be a choice.  You give it everything you got...and if in the end she loves you back so be it...if not you cry and move on...as friends..if such a thing is possible...perhaps friends is just that string of hope..she will finally see you..

Today she is Desdemona

I feel as if I should simply cease talking to her because my words cannot hold the joy her does.  I do not remember what such joy felt like.  She is out smiling and laughing...living life and here I am on my computer trying to fight through this darkness.  My demons, my emotions, the barbed hooks of the past they hold me down...a prison of my own making that I do not know how to escape from...

Most days I can numb the pain inside with drink or green but she makes me want to be sober...so I might...be a man she could love...and somedays I think I might be a man she could love...

But then reality sets in.  The mistakes...the cracks inside.. she is 20 I am 32...so young the whole world in front of her...at 20 your life is like a sailboat upon an ocean...life like the wind...unpredictable causing one so young to change course...I could be like winnie the pooh...when Christopher Robin grew up he stopped believing in Pooh...

she is beautiful...I am not so beautiful anymore..perhaps once I was but I have abused my body with too much food, drink, green..

Others love her, want her, others who have form and I am merely words in an email.

She is so beautiful...at times I cannot bare to look at her profile on my Facebook... it hurts to see such beauty... to know happiness...the type of happiness you only dream about would be found in a simple kiss...even something as simple as holding her hand...

But then it is the distance...I am not a rich man...  Everything I have is tied up in this application I am building which costs too much... and in Facebook so few apps ever make any money..

I am certain my ideas are good but can I see my way through this darkness to make them a reality...will I be able to find a partner..someone to share my dream with..

The funny thing is I think she would love me because of my pain...but I cannot allow that..not her...perhaps if I was a young man without the scars inside...I could love her like she would deserve...but now..how can I love her when I do not love myself...

She is the girl of my dreams...but I cannot be the man of hers...even though I am certain like Desdemona..she would love me for my pain..

"She loved me for the dangers I had pass'd,
  And I loved her that she did pity them. "
Othello

All it requires is a little confidence

I seem to be part of some strange reality where god has given my dragon to slay and it is distance, age, heart break and my own personal demons.  In front me now is a girl that is too young, too unsure of what she wants out of life, too hesitant when it comes to love to be a safe bet by any means.   The problem is she is also too breath taking to care.

Sometimes I just wish I had someone who could give me advice on stuff like this.  Jasmine has forgotten all about me so I no longer have her words to guide me, not that she would ever understand.  Nobody does when it comes to Bella.  They just see some girl I met online and to most people that is enough.  They don't want to see that I am desperately trying to find a way to see that girl in person.  That if I could...if I could find a job close to her I would...because even though the risk is high, the risk at 20 she will change I have no choice but to try right.

Life is too short to sit around and wait for some miss right to walk into your life.  When you meet someone that you might be able to love..you go for it.. you don't wait around for life to tick by..do you? 

There has to be a way...there is actually and it is this app I am doing but still could I ever offer her the life she wants and still be an internet millionare.  Fuck yah...why the hell not... the technology exists where a person could manage their business remotely. 

I could just use dropbox to link my finished files to my people in North American if I ever get people in north america.  While she is off having her own life, accomplishing her dreams I can follow mine too right and then when time permits our worlds could bring us together...

It is possible...but the hard part is how do I win her heart...I want her to fall madly in love with me...I refuse to love her that way until she loves me that way...  Believe it or not I have made myself hold back..I am not going to give myself completely to anyone until they give themselves completely to me.  My heart is only a gift that can be accepted when the other persons heart is given back..

I WANT my manCARD back

Listen up my darling Bella....I am going to make a million dollars with my Facebook app. I am going to find a partner...then I am coming to Malta and I am going to offer you a life of your dreams...it might take a month, it might take 6 it might take a year...but I am coming to win your heart....no more whining...no more crying...it is time to be a man..

Why can't I tell her I love her?

She read my blog again...or someone from Malta did..it scares me for two reasons.  that she might see the anguish and uncertianty I feel and either run or think it would be better for me if I did not know her...or she might read between the words and see a man who might love her...not inlove for that is a gift from god but love nevertheless which I do...  I would give myself to her completely if she were to ask.  and yet maybe I wouldn't because I am so messed up inside...so broken still...yet maybe not so broken.  maybe that is all I know..that maybe you wake up everyday expecting to see a crack and so you see it.  Your mind says it is there or so it is there... 

Maybe this is not foolish, maybe it could be possible.  Maybe I would never hurt her.  I would never take her for granted. lol...

I would rather not hope

I suppose if you are one of the 1 person or so that takes the time to read my words...my poor mispelled, grammar from hell words then you might think me depressing.  You might say I am in love or obsessed with being sad or being lonely and you would be right.  As strange as it sounds, I trust the sadness, I do not trust happiness.  What is the point of letting your guard down when you will eventually be crushed?  See for all the nice things Bella says to me, in her short emails...which are understandable when you get a glimpse of Malta...paridise...you wouldn't be a laptop much either...bella never really opens up....I was reading the love letters of Elizabeth and Robert Browning perhaps the greatest love story even told and she writes back with just as much passion as he does to her. 

Thus I must conclude that although my words effect her in some positive way, they do not reach her as deeply as her words reach me....  or use to reach me because she never really writes anymore except for a sentence or two...I have to ignore the reality of it I suppose...the hard truth that I am nothing...that if I stop writing...she will forget me completely...but I must I suppose.  

Jasmine she forgot me already...like she always did...she only occasionally writes because she pities me but she will forget me...  My words to Bella will soon dry up and no longer fall to the page because she does give anything back...  Without sun the ice in the mountians will not melt...and the waterfall will become dry and desolate once again.

So for me it is harder to be happy, harder for me to believe there is an everafter when the only everafter I know is this loneliness which has made me this pathetic human being....too fat, too lazy, too afraid to live, stuck in a city...this edmonton which has become a hell to me...

Twilight was the worst movie I have ever seen..

Eragon was a fantastic book but a brutal movie... the same can and should be said about Twilight.  Books rock movies not so much.

1.  Choppy storyline:  It was the same thing with Eragon in that they had to take this big long book and put it into a 2 hour movie because they didn't feel like teenage girls would have the attention span for a 3 hour movie, plus a 2 hour movie makes more profits.  Thus the effect was like a series of storylines which really had no flow to them.

2.  The movie producers did not understand the book:  Lets be honest the storyline for Twilight and the other books are not that detailed.  It is an extremly simple plot.  The reason why we love the book is because of the strong character development.  We are able to feel the characters.  In the movie they try to make it about the storyline which is not what makes the book amazing.  They don't give us a reason to like Bella, they don't give us a reason to like Edward, they don't give us a reason to like any of the characters.  Bella is a 100 times deeper than her character suggests in the movie.  It does not work on any level in the movie.

3.  Special effects:  Are kidding me...that scene in the baseball field where the two vampire groups got all excited... what the hell was that?  Like watching rent or something...Teeth...have you seen underworld.  the way they did vampires was really well done.  The way twilight did it was a joke.

4.  Acting:  Was there one good actor in that movie?  Get rid of them all, cause they all suck.

Seriously AUTHORS stop letting hollywood ruin your books with crap money grabbing movies. 

There is no poetry left in me...

It is almost funny how a single word...or lack of any words can take something from someone.  More than once I have written poems for girls...most are not very good because I think my lack of understanding when it comes to language often limits what I can write.  Still I would try ... because maybe it would let the girl know I cared or maybe I wanted to get a girl in bed and poetry was the angle I chose...I don't know...I wrote this poem for Bella...

From darkness to light 

 

Alone in this cave for many a year in silence I have laid.

a heart that once felt the world with each and every breath

now collecting dust and cobwebs like an old book I have aged.

fearing the only release from this misery would be found in death.

 

but then with nothing more then an image on this computer screen

A profile, a video, a delicate soul traced in word after word 

beauty that in my darkness I wish I had never seen

My eyes are like Ulysses ears after the Sirens he heard.

 

Then with more of these words you breath life into what was dead

dancing life a butterfly around these traps over years I have set

where the darkness was once is now light instead

for a more beautiful girl I have never have met.

 

Never before has this body ever felt passions raging fire

fuel by this girl in some foreign land I so desire.

It was just a playful sonnet or an attempt at one.  but she never commented on it....never read it...and if she did, she did not remember it enough to recall it when we last talked on MSN which was ages ago...almost the last time she looked at this blog...

We can tell you know when you look at our blogs or at least the city of the people who look at it...secret it is out..

I haven't been able to write a poem since this...since....not that I am a poet I think.  I don't have the patience and poetry is ....  a dance with words to describe something...

Not that I am mad at her... she is the way she is and I would never seek to change what I...love...I don't know...

I hate that she used that word...  Don't say it..show it..you know...never say it ... show it...show it..

I never imagined...

As a child Christmas is the best holiday of them all...I remember one Christmas when I was too young to understand my mother could only afford to get the 4 of us children stuffed animal dogs and a little candy. I was disappointed...I always hated my mother for being poor...blamed her when it was my dad who went to court to reduce child support payments from $50 an month to $25 an month. My dad once said in one of those stupid personal best seminars that he told a picture of his father all the things his dad had done wrong.

Me...no I will not tell some picture...I just held a funeral for my father in my heart even though he is alive to some. He will never be alive to me...I am sure I will pay for that later in life...but some pain you do not know how to forgive. Some pain you keep close because all you want in life is not to be him and yet sometimes it feels like you end up being more like him than you would like. It is those moments I wonder if I were better left dead.

I never could sleep at Christmas...as a child you are always looking at the clock at xmas eve wanting it to go faster...and you try to get to sleep early...only to fall asleep late because the anticipation. Then Christmas morning you run down and follow some preset pattern in regards to presents and when it is done....you always end up feeling down...like reality is never quite equal to the imagination in the mind.

We never really could afford Turkey and all the fixings. Maybe the is why my sisters always make such a big deal out of it. We simply could not afford to. My mom tried but when you don't have money...what can you do...life was hard on her in a way....mom ... or ganny I as I call her... that is a story for another day.

We were never really a close family the kids.... I never felt like I belonged like somehow I was from the wrong time. Things came easier for the other kids in my family...I never had any close friends....I was the guy who you never really liked and never really didn't like. the guy you would let hang out with you if I called but if I didn't then no big deal.

Now I hate xmas...I don't hate it...I just hate what it means to me. I hate how every good relationship I ever had has ended around this time. I hate how many times I have fallen into a dark swirl of madness around this time. I hate seeing how my sisters who never let me forget the past dance around with their perfect lifes and husbands making this thing they call life seem easy when each day it is a stuggle for me to not swallow a couple pills too many.

There is such darkness in me that Bella cannot, will not ever know. She is 20 and still sees the world innocent, I will never let her see how deep my pain goes... how each moment I feel it on my shoulders. How it has taken my mind and body and beaten it into the pathetic man I am now. How I desparetly are trying to find a way, to run as fast as I can from Edmonton but I always fail because my demons here are too strong. here I am trapped...and it is a struggle to breath...

So this Christmas I sit on my couch watching lost, alone.......I am always alone...

The need for love

It is almost amusing how desperate I am to be loved.  I know I am suppose to pretend I am simply ok, I am fine, put on the brave face so people do not have to worry...but it is a lie...I want love...I want affection, any type of affection.  Bella as I now call her has no idea how unloved I have felt for so long that her touch might...lol...no her touch would be wonderful but I am so broken....  I always run to my gmail when I see a new message.  Doesn't matter what I am doing I run to it.  It is the only place I ever get any sort of affection.  Truth is you have different ranks for friends.  There are those like bella who are first...Jasmine is there too...where getting an email from them will always make your heart jump a little bit...

Then come the few friends I have.  Those are people like the Jenna....(not her real name) or Kitty, the people you would call friends even though you are tyep of friend they would never introduce to there other friends.  I remember talking to Jenna about a party she had and she was like it was only for my close friends.  She doesn't get it hurts in a way to hear she had a party and didn't invite me...how she has had big parties and never thought to invite me yet it is I she tells about it after...but that is me...  I only get the scraps from people..my phone will never ring, my msn list will never be full of people online, my Facebook profile will never be full of messages.  The truth is I could die and few if any would notice...

It is why I will never get married.... I don't have a best man...  I don't have anyone I would invite to the wedding...  It is why I will never let Bella love me completely...  It is why I must always be careful not to fall to far for her because it was the same thing as Jasmine...  I could not give a girl the wedding of their dreams...

tis the night before xmas

Give me some hard liquor, perhaps some green stuff or two so I can slip off into oblivion.  This eve, this night before xmas, nothing is stiring, nothing but the glow of my TV and PC.  I shant even write my beloved Elizabeth who I will call Bella for short simply because it is easier to spell. 
Tonight is when my demons will come.  They always do when the nights are long and the day is short as is the case with this one.  It is always the case in those days you want to disappear, you want to go away.  For most people this time of year is a happy one...for me it is about survival.  I would always fall apart around this time of year and I could never handle the questions of what you are doing right now gebadia....Trying not to blow my brains out...thanks yourself.

That isn't as bad as watching my sisters who have had most things come easy to them and thus never let you forget the things that did not come easy to you.

Nope there is no xmas for me this year...someday perhaps but never with my family...for that is a family I have and never will really belong to.  In time when life gives me a way I will disappear and never been seen or heard from again.  It will start as a year, then two, then 5 and then I will fade from memory...my life will be elsewhere...as will theres...they will have there wish in that they never have to see me again, this reminder that pain is too often a part of life because that is something my sisters can't handle.  They need to believe the world is good and live in their incongruent walls....

I think she hinted she is falling for me

she said she was starting to believe.  She is trying to share her life with me as best she can.  It is subtle but real.  She said she would like to feel my love and love back....holy shit what the hell does that mean????  Seriously do you woman have to be so dam cryptic.  I don't know what to do with that.  I feel like some idiot in a field going she loves me, she loves me not. 

It is wonderful news...I love zchocolates.  That is what got me that response.  I have decided the secret to a womans heart is to have them eat chocolate and think about you the same time.  Chocolate creates the chemicals of love...she thinks of you and has sweet thoughts = love...

Giving up....

I am nothing more than a foolish romantic boy it seems...beat by life...  I cannot ask her to love me in email... or love me by the phone..  I don't even know if she would love me in person.  Sometimes I will go through my emails I send her...the emails filled with so many questions she never answers but the meaning beneath is always clear.  How could she not see my words, feel my words and not know how strongly my heart burns for her.  But even if she felt the same she would never share them.  Sometimes I think it is hard always being this way...  like a river without a dam I seem to write so much and so deeply for other people only getting a couple of sentences back.  Logically that would say or suggest I am amusing.. because if my words actually reach inside the girls walls...if they moved her then I would get more back.

 

It is hard for to pull back.  It is hard for me to not feel hurt by this.  This reality if I stop writing .. then they will forget me ..  like a memory that fades so will this boy.  I always feel like I will fade... that I have so little affect on people that their life will go on no different without me...

 

I think it is time to prove my theory... that I will fade by being quiet.  She doesn't read this blog anymore because my writing is just that compelling...so I can tell you send her Chocolates from zchocolates...see the heart in the side bar.  They have these really expensive...really fancy french chocolates.  I know it is a little much...send flowers twice, chocolates and xmas gift but I don't have anyone else to give to...  Sometimes it just makes you feel not so pathetic to be able to give something to someone..I have no one else... besides I hope she will see in this someone she can not afford to let go... that she will say those words I dream to hear saying Gebadia find a way to be close to me ... find a way...  lol... will never happen...

I am giving up sex

I have decided today I will no longer have sex.  That is right I am giving up sex because it a nutshell I hate it.  I hate the feeling after you go where you look over at the person and say, dear gosh, why did I do that.  The self hate of the penis for making me do that.  Even worse is the feeliong of looking over at the girl, knowing you love her but she does not love you back.  Even worse than that is watching sex destroy friendship...maybe it is just me...

 

In my mind it should be more...and it is not. 

 

My boss continues to have no concept of sales.  I hate my job with a passion because their is no room for growth here.  I am nothing more than a telephone marketer.  They tell me to improve sales but I am only allowed to make calls. 

 

It is sad how dumb some smart people are but my boss has a god complex.  You know one of those people who can rule by respect so they have to rule by fear.  The boss who has to yell to get his point across...actually who yells all the time.  The boss where you have to be a subserviant yes person. 

 

Elizabeth...well she emails me a little but maybe that is ok because that means she is off being happy. 

Random thoughts

Sometimes hope leads to loneliness.  With her I question myself.  I question everything and trust nothing.  I don't know what I am doing.  My wild heart it leads me forward and I am afraid of it.  To dare to hope, to dare to dream...that I might find happiness.  I am scared because I am certain she will reject me and it will leave me in some dark room with tears falling down my eyes.  Is it so wrong to be this desperate for love I wonder... that each day I pour my heart into a blog because I am afraid to tell the girl how I really feel.  That I am head over feat...I think she is the one, the girl I was crossed in the stars to be with.  That I am no longer the boy reading the poetry but I have become the poetry.  The meaning behind it.  Like all those love poems where a man stairs at the girl of his dreams who is unattainable unless by some miracle god brings us together...all those movies..that is me...I am them and they are me.

She is the girl by which dreams are made, wars are fought.  I want her to consume my every senses.  I want to hear her sighs, taste her lips, feel her soft naked body shudder in my arms in pure emotional and physical pleasure where the mind and heart explodes in unison with the body.  A mixture of love and sensation so complete, so overwhelming that after...words fail for form for there are none to describe such a sensation, only the realization that without the corruption of the body you love her more...when all physical angst is gone and she lays there in your arms, you love her more completely and purely than you ever imagined possible.  Not all good, not all bad, cracked and broken like you, but your love sees the whole picture and the beauty of the flaws which comes from the pain of living life and how it shapes her to be your perfect match....

That is Elizabeth who was Arianna, who was Ariella...I am always searching for her name... her true name...still she barely notices I exist or how I feel.. for if she was to know...she surely not want to talk to me again because I am to be...only a friend...

To love someone so completely that you would rather be there friend than simply not know them...that is my story...that is the story of my Elizabeth...

The truth

I am living in an illusion...some hope..that is nothing more than me...a dream I will never have.  I am certian I will never be real to her.  Just some odd guy that writes nice letters and sends her flowers and chocolates.  I guess that is the story of me....nice guy that never gets the girl.  Today I go silent..well not to my blog...that she never reads anyways so now I can just say what I want when I want...

I will duck tape my heart closed.

Occasionally I will let myself go look at her profile in Facebook...I don't know if it is a good idea...  It is strange with her... there are moments when I think she actually might like me and others where I seem to fade into oblivion to her.  I don't have to worry about her reading this blog anymore or anything I write.  They have these analytic programs which tell you the area of the people who view the blog.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised I get only 10 views a day when the girl I write it for came once and has never bothered to read it again...lol.. 

I must be quiet.  I must say no words, wrap my heart in duck tape..yes duck tap...that works.  I must let her come to me...miss me..  she does not see me.  She does not notice me.  I know her and I are friends but there still is the boy in me trying to impress the girl...  I need to lock that boy inside...and then I won't care so much if she reads this blog, I won't care so much if she writes to me.  I need not to care...I need to lock my heart away in a very strong safe that will never open...and then I will be able to just be a friend...yes that is what I must do.

I am going to this girl...

I want ever after, I want slow kisses, dancing to candle light.  I want to walk in a quiet beach at night in a warm summers day wiht the waves tickling our feat as she tells me her dreams, hopes and everything and then we stop and are in each others arms...kising in the way where it never stops until naked in eachothers arms in some blanket that magiclaly appear to protect you from the sea crabs and other creature cralies and sand which according to an english teacher gets in the oddest of places..but he married a lobster...so maybe he found his dream in the ocean like i will find mine.  Ariella who I will call Elizabeth now because I am heathcliff she is my elizabeth....this distance is... his... I really don't want to wait until I am dead on some cold hilly place..  She is alos like Elizath barrat browing and I am like Robert where my word seem to fall out every second of everyday.  how can I tell this girl that something happened...something real in this facebook feed...I found this girl, the girl I have dreamed my whole life.  I feel as if she must be the one because never before has my heart reacted so violently towards someone.  I don't how I know but I do... she is the girl I meant to love for an eternity...a girl I would wait and eternity for...  maybe I am craxy... maybe I sufffer from eternal sadness..but she is my light.. a beacon by which I know I must leace this purgatory of my sefl making...become her prince aka skrek and win the girl..

Men are dogs

Most of us don't like to be compared to animals...but we kind of are like them when it comes to the male, female lets get in on world.  In some very profoud ways men are like dogs and woman are like cats.  I know to simply the male condition which is to hump everything that moves is a little crude.  There are some crazy slut desperate girls who have been fucked up bad by men who just hump anything to feel some sort of connection...men like that to but they usually end up in the Dominican republic fucking a different hooker each night.  Wait men are like that.  We like to pretend we are all noble creatures but at some level you have or get falsly induced into at least consider the question would I fuck her and this changes based on how many drinks you have and how many girls hot girls you have talked to that night and long it has been since you jerked off or got laid.  Not to mention who would know...  By the way when dogs dance around all happy have being fed which is what hot girl is like ot men....when they talk to us...  we actually think we have a chance.  Like a dog, give him a little affection and he will be dreaming of frisby in bark.  How often does that happen sadly... video games or play with your dogs, they have websites built for 3 year olds.  If you are a kid and play grande thft auto you have bad parents... that is right lets raise crazy physco killers...

You can't pet a cat unless a cat wants to be petted.  You can't pick it up when you want to...  It tells you...Men are always ready, we want sex when we are bent over with foot poisoning in a quebec hotel puking biol, jerking off into the toilet boll...  Even when we are beat down and sick like a dog we always want to play.  In can be 2 am or 2 pm and the dog wants to play..  Girls tell you when you can have.  It is up to them...which really sucks.  Cats come to you.  They tell you when to pet them and when they want to cuddle well again they brush up with you...  That is the whole point.  Cats at first are easily amused with toys and such but after you ae a together for awhile..you have to actually work to get the cat to care.  They are more interested at staring at the wall just like a woman would rather read.

Dogs are always amused by moving balls and collisons...and everything else that has movement.  Dogs like asses.. so do half the men in the world.  The only thing they really have the same is like like both like to mark their teritories.  They both like to pee around their area...just like both men and woman want their name on the facebook profile relationships.  This is my man or girl.  All you male, or female friends that want them, hands off he's mine..

Kitty that is why you woman must train your man.  Give his a step by step intorduciton what it means to date him and what is expected.  Dam girl we are thinking about how to fuck you...We wil work for it...just tel us what we need to do, to get into those tight pants of yours and go disco...wait wrong fantasy... club 69 baby..seriously just tell us.. 

A simple hey if you find a way to be close to me so I can see you where ever you want the yah of course I will give it a shot.  I have a timid heart so it will take a lot of time... you will have to be strong where you are weak and enchant me.

Some girls are so silly.  What is written in these novels about heroes and novels isn't make believe.   That there are historic love stories where a man would love you even though you are flwed, because to each of eachother sees the others  flaws of perfect examples of the stuggle of what it means to be human.  That all the boy is looking for is a simple list of what you need ot give it a shot.  what would make it possible.   He does not care about time.  If he had to love you as friends for 5 years and ended finally getting a chance it would seem worth it.  He is not saying he would be good along the way or you would have to.  Date whoever you want...

Just tell him what variables you would need for it to make it safe for you...  too much to dream for I suppose.  But she is not dumb...  She knows that I think eventhough I see only a very smalll window into her..I feel a magnetic force to her..like a lifetime of hope has come out at a truly instanteous moment.. The magic combination of words..a video..the most perfect moment of absolute kindness..Plus she is hot..She looks like that girl from "love actually" in a way... deeper though... more spetacular.  down right that movie...best ever 

I have such motivation now... before it was to find an alternative form of energy...but now it is the possiblity of love...I will not let myself love her yet.  That cannot be given by me.   God..it is the touch of god when you get that and are confident enough to enjoy it and trust you deserve it.

Pain goes away... you get better...woman don't be a dumbass and train your men..

I wonder what it would be like to write letters...

I ordered a book on Amazon the other day... The Letters of Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barret Barrett 1845-1846 vol II (1899)
I find it amusing I guess in a way that something so private gets shared in death. That somehow our secrets good and bad become public fodder. I suppose I should take comfort in the fact love long ago is much like it is for me now. That email only makes it marginally better where as before there were letters. Still I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to write a letter back and forth with a girl. To come home after a long days work. To see one of those non-spam or bill letters in your mail box. A real letter with real hand writing, like you were worth the time...

To see the return address... to see the person you most want to see in the world's name in the return part... That anticipation as you simply drop all the other spam mail on some table and wander to some private place that is yours.. forgetting to take off your shoes. Someone might say something but you do not really notice as everything fades except for you and that letter. Perhaps you grab a glass of wine, perhaps you turn on some music. Not me... I do not like to be distracted.

Then you try to open the letter slowly...at least slow enough not to rip it. Maybe the paper smells like perfume... like her... and so for a moment you shut your eyes and imagine she is in your arms and you are breathing her in...smelling the soft fragrance on her neck.... your lips tease her skin...

Then the edges of the page are burnt...just the edges...which says my heart burns hot for you. Your eyes marvel at the uneven pattern the fire created as that is how love feels...it leaves us shaken, uneven...changes things...it is a joy and an inconvenience at the same time... we are never quite prepared for love are we... how can one prepare for a gentle breeze and a hurricane at the same time?

Then our eyes at last fall to each word... hoping what is written matches what we feel in our heart. We are always a little afraid of some unhappy news...and so maybe our eyes go to the words first and absorbs everything last... yes...I would find the words first... I do not have the confidence to wait...I do not trust life...I am always waiting for unhappy news and sometimes I make it happen... perhaps we cause our fear to be real...

The words would dance up from the page. I would devour it first quickly...look to ease the fear inside.. In a perfect world all I would find is sweetness. In a perfect world her words would match mine.... but in a flawed one where meaning is an arbitrary thing... her words would mean something different and so at first glance my insecurities would see confirmation of little fears...illogical irrational thoughts... so I would go back and absorb more closely those places... hoping to find some logic to disprove my fears... And then it would be my turn to pour over a page and write back...ahh..how many scrumpled pages there would be...but that is another story...

Maybe the only difference is now we don't have to wait, now with email and Facebook we can instantly talk back and forth... still it lacks the magic of the old...the romance, the anticipation, the shoe box where we keep our love stories...


Maybe now in this world where we have more than one love story waiting for the promise of some dream to come is too much because we have already tasted the fruit. When you have knowledge...things change...it was easier back then because you did not know the pleasure of a warm body next to you...the joy of waking up in a lovers arms...the sweet...

Still I cannot help but wonder...

Why nerds dance alone...

Would you dance like an idiot on youtube foe love?

men need to pee on their woman in z Facebook

The holes in google

Everybody things google is this perfect company...well if you wonder why my blog posts have and extra line between the paragraphs...ask google why their dam gmail doesn't sync properly to blogger.  The same thing often happens to google docs.  Formatting gets lost.  It is strange how they waste time on this whole wikisearch but they don't bother to fix these bugs.

When hell comes a knocking

Depression does horrible things to a person.  One of them is when your heart stops working and you lay at home the phone rings with creditors.  Today my gannies creditcards wouldn't work when trying to pay India...not that they deserve the money.  I am angry at how much time this app is taking.  I am angry that 6 months ago when I told them to transfer to a paid hosting account they did not listen. 

 

I am angry that the developer I hired missed obvious things.  I didn't always have time to check every detail and maybe I should but dam... has the concept of looking at stuff and saying does this make sense...I am so angry today... like I am going broke and there is nothing I can do about it. 

 

It is my fault... I spent too much time chasing the dream of love. 

 

You wake up one day and only 2.17 % of Canadians have a worse Credit Score than you do.  The thing is I always pay my bills...I just never remember to pay them on time.  I think today is when I will become a man....  I need money or I am going to lose everything and yet I am part of a group of 10000000 of people world wide who are in the same boat.  What must it feel like to be us?

 

To feel alone and see your dreams tumble...

Finding a different type of joy in a Facebook feed...

Why is love something we must keep in closed doors? Why is it we only kiss a person when nobody is looking? Why is it when we get married we stop showing the person we love, that we love them?

One of the hard parts for me about Ariella is I feel drawn to her...like I am magnetic north and she is south. My chest gets tired of holding my heart in because for some illogical reason it screams to me....forget reason, forget logic....go broke, get on a plane fool and when see her, kiss her like she has never been kissed before. Feel her surrender into your arms, letting go of all the noise around you until all you see and feel is her. All your senses on her, and hers on yours.

I think I am foolish because I wait...because I must wait for her to have time.... I hate these rules, these limitations. The reason I bring this up is I couldn't imagine being around Ariella and not finding a way to touch her...accidentail touches are the best...the firing neurons, dancing on the skin...

If she was mine and she was near, it would take all my will not to put my lips on hers. I wouldn't be able to think, or focus on anything but her...and the desire, the magnetic force ... and then reality jumps in...

The reality that to know such a kiss...to taste something so sweet and then to have it ripped from you because life says it must... that is an impossible dream... too complicated, too hard for people like us... that tasting such a dream and then to have say good bye would leave us breathless, unable to breath because I would have to leave my heart in Malta. and hers would be with me... maybe if we did not posses such capacity to feel deeply it might be possible but not for us... it would change us... too much.. She would stop being her and I would stop being me... and I love the way she is...

And now I am shaken... at the realization it cannot be... that even if she decides to meet with a man that will always be too much...I must simply enjoy her smile, the way she will move, her voice, her words...and find joy in that because... I could not cause her such pain back... not her... it would be selfish of me. Strange how loving this Ariella.. means not loving her.

Still it is enough to just make her smile... to make her laugh... yes there is joy in that... as for the rest... perhaps that is better left in the dream..

Do I send this to her and be too much? I have pushed so hard lately in my sadness, but she did say to write....I do not know what else to do when the words fall for her... does she still want to hear my words? I treated her so poorly in my melancholy over Jasmine... for me it is always hardest to recover when I fall... I spend too much time worrying about details, things that do not matter instead of just loving life...and experiencing each moment...

But this is me...and I must be me so I will send it to both...and then I will go silent... yes now is the time for silence because Christmas is a time for her family...her friends...not for the boy that found a dream in a Facebook feed.

Why am I obsessed with love?

If only I could settle.  Find some girl to marry and pretend to be happy...not me..I can never go for less than I had.  Ariella in many ways is my dream girl and now I must be her friend.  I must not hope for more.  I must relax.  That is hard for me.  To see someone so beautiful that my heart stops...that I have stop myself from dreaming.  I have to have faith in this life which has given me no reason to have faith.  I have to trust life...but I don't.  I know too well what friendship means.  But I can't offer her someone to hug her each day.  I will try to find a job in Malta perhaps someday.  lol but she is young.  I do not know if she knows who she is yet or what direction life will take her.  Girls like that are hard to love because they could break your heart for no reason except life told them to.  I wish she would come read my blog more.  So I could tell her all I see in her...tell her why only with a picture my heart is breathless as her name in my email. 

 

lol..hopeless till the end I suppose....I promise Jasmine I would not write about her...but perhaps her and I will be friends.  It seems as if...friends is all I will ever find when I look for love...maybe that is alright...to be the tortured writer with many a muse...girls I love who love me but not in the way I love them....  Maybe that is better because my love is wild like a raging fire, all consuming and devourering...its intense nature would leave anyone shaken....my eyes can bring a woman to tears for in this world so few men know how to look and truly see a woman...for me that has never been a problem...when I look at a girl she knows what it means to feel wanted...to feel like there is nothing else in this world but her.  I don't notice anything but that girl in front of me...all falls away. 

I am a horrible man

All I do is hurt people.  My love it comes out all wrong.  I ended up blaming Malta girl for Jasmine...  I hate myself for that.  Not only do I hurt Jasmine but I then hurt Matla girl.  RUN away, run away from my...  My loneliness is too much.  I give up trying to ...  I love them both but neither wants me...  not that it would be possible for either to love me.. one has an arranged marriage and one is impossibly far away and I have pushed her to the point where even get her to meet will be...a feat in itself.  Today I have lost one friend and blamed the other for no reason except I needed to get mad at her because she won't love me..  I cannot do this.  I will not do this.  Alone I will write to my blog.  I will not let my desperate desire to find love stop me from my goal...world domination of course...lol

 

Ariella...Jasmine....Asha...I said there was 5 but really their is only 3 I have truly loved...maybe 4...maybe 5...my memories are clouded...

Feel like crying

It is 10:23 at night and I am at work calling the middle east.  I have panic attacks about cold calling people.  I am also not doing well emotionally.  My heart is broken into a million pieces.  You try to protect yourself....but you can't...I just want to cry or die...which ever hurts less.  I am tired of the pain.  It is like my whole life is pain.  People don't know... if they didn't wouldn't care.  My heart is always on my sleeve.  You will always know how I feel because I can't hide my emotions on my face.  I just know that I feel lonely all the time.  You don't the pain of having your best friend at 13...how losing the ability to trust destines you to always crave what you can never have.  People think talking about it will help...fuck that.  Go write to yourself when you were 13...go fuck yourself...  It has been 20 years and the scars are layered.  The pain, the crack is now a chasm so deep and so wide... 

 

It was wonderful in the DR when I got to meet this guy Joake but he doesn't email me back.  For 3 days it was like having a best friend..  It was really nice to laugh and joke, and talk passionately about things..  To pick up girls...well try to because neither of us is very good looking... Still I miss that in my life. 

 

I am tired of love...  It is too hard.. Only one girl was I able to relax around and not be afraid and that was a 2 week affair. 

here comes the madness

I think when a relationship ends you are allowed a day or two of sending a few too many emails or text messages but after that you must stop.  Today was that day for me but I wasn't trying to win Jasmine back...only trying to find out what I did that was so wrong...I guess it was the fact I rejected her and that might be her worst fear.   I don't know my mind is not right. 

 

IT is hard for me to do anything when my heart breaks.  People will say you are silly Gebadia...but my heart powers me not my mind.  Logic has always been weak to the raging emotions inside of me.  I just want to lay in bed and stare at the gmail hoping she will send me kind words.  I don't want to leave the screen because I am afraid I will miss her.  I don't go out,  I just sit there in front of the screen like some pathetic loser...well actually for me that sort of defines my life here in Edmonton.

 

I have told people that Edmonton will kill me.  That here I feel the weight of my past on my shoulders.  Each day is a challenge just to survive and when my heart is broken it is far worse.  I must remember to breath.  I don't eat as much.  Maybe one meal a day but the food does not taste good.  I try to remember to brush my teeth or put deodorant on.  I will drink more, find other vices to numb my senses. 

 

I will become irritable.  I will remember each moment and bask in the pain because the pain is all you have left when it is over. 

 

See the thing is most of us are like this...but the difference with me is I don't have friends who will pull me out.  I lost all my friends with my last depression.  When I isolated myself from the world...not that I had many because I have always been afraid to get close to people.  Without friends you simply end up alone, in a dark basement suite too afraid to live and too afraid to die...sorry I go dark when I am sad...and I am sure people will read this and overreact because they experience life without the highs and lows I do.  They will forget this is a blog...that I am simply giving my madness to the world so I might function.

A hole in my heart

It was hard for me to read the Twilight book series.   Mostly because I often or always see love like Edward Cullen.  I have the same intensity inside me towards love.  People don't understand what extreme emotion means...most people are scared by it like Jasmine was.  Maybe in a normal person it would be fine but in a mind that is fractured like mine it is not.  I am just going to ramble here because I am lost right now in a very dark place trying not to give in to the irrational thought which will bring on a very real physical anxiety attack in my heart which will make me call and beg Jasmine for forgiveness.  You would think it would get easier with age but it does not.  Instead of rebounding you sink further into dark places...the fears you have within you get bigger and more impossible to overcome.  You become convinced you are unlovable..

It doesn't matter if you can logically conclude that things with Jasmine wouldn't of worked...what does love know of logic.  the heart wants what it wants and no power on this earth can stop it.  Love is the one thing that has always existed beyond logic.  It is a chemical reaction into the insane.  For me I just want to fall asleep and not wake up till enough time has passed so it is over.  I want to run away...the problem is you can't sleep forever because you always wake up and well dying would kind of suck cause you would be dead and that is no fun...  You can't run away from your memories. 

For me the hard part was I hurt Jasmine...that is the thing I cannot forgive.  I think I am finished with love...I hate love...I want no part of it... I am too insecure for it..  when ever I fall in love I spend all my time worrying about every detail afraid I will say something wrong and it will end.  I have no faith in myself deep down to believe I am worth someone sticking around through my emotional highs and lows. 

It would take someone patient and understanding to be with me..  I have so many fears that...ahh I don't even dare to dream..  No...there is no love for me..the cats, they warned of this.  gebadia they said love for the damagi... it is complicated.  The energy..it changes the chemical make up increases the chances of depression and other mood swings...

I didn't listen.... 5 times I have had my heart broken..maybe more...I have lost count..  Maybe in life you only get those things when you don't want them but my soul has always wanted love more than anything else...

Hurting those you love

The problem with being an emotional man is there is no place for us in this world.  Girls always tell you to suck it up be a man...as if we should not be allowed to weep openly.  I didn't go to work for 2 days this week and just laid in my bed and cried because I hurt the one girl I never wanted to hurt.  She won't even talk to me after the way I rejected her....It is sad because it is over with Jasmine...but more sad because the reason I went to Toronto was so she would not feel rejected.  I suppose that should count for something....

It doesn't seem to in her eyes.... Someday I will tell you all the story of the girl Jasmine...I shall tell you of a historic beauty...one of the most subtle nature...but for now I will talk about Jordan...lol I spelled it Jordin but what kind of msn baby would be if I could spell...

I am also trying to get up the nerve to go into work tonight and call the Middle East. 

Goodbye to love

I have lost my words..my heart is broken..I hurt Jasmine and lost her friendship...  I am done with love..  I always ended up hurting people..I love...my heart is to wild...I am too broken..I hope I wake up and Jasmine is just a dream...because I m crushed over hurting her... her of all the girls I did not ever want to hurt...

What do you do to cure a broken heart? 14dec08

Walking in the shadows

It was fun while it lasted.  I suppose it is a bit rediculous that you could feel so much from so little...perhaps I am just that lonely...still if there were a blue print to my heart it would be named Ariella...in the few moments when her eyes did fall to me...I knew without hesitation I would love this girl... I know it is crazy...and I knew it would be too good to be true that she might love me to.  A girl like her is never really single.... a girl like her is built to love and logic tells you...all the signs told me that she loved another...she told me in a round about way when we first talked...I suppose I never listened...but who could.  The sound of the heart when you meet a girl like that is defeaning.  All you know is that you are going to do everything you can just to win her smile, to win her affection...and then you get the email...the one you have gotten too often in your life...the one where you must have faith..

that when her eyes move away from the other man she might remember you.  Where you must fade into the background and hope she might notice you...but they never do...you know the truth..

You were not enough to enchant her the first time and even if you could there is the miles and miles of distance you can only make up if life would grant you a million dollars.

And so you are left with all those pretty words we like to tell ourselves about if it were meant to be...but deep down you know you have spent 32 years on earth look for a girl like Ariella, for a girl who accepted you as you were and now that you have found her and her heart aches for another you know the time has come to say good bye to that dream because you know you don't have it in you to dream again.  Forgive me it is not just her.

It is also Jasmine... two girls, two different realities, two different paths which I would of been happy, gone in the same day...today I believe in god..I believe he is telling me that love is not something I should hope for or look for...that this is not a joy I am meant to have....  So let me remove the chipin...I will pay my own way to see my friend Ariella...  Today Gebalove becomes the story of the 5 woman I have loved. 

Jordin, Asha, Jasmine, Ariella and Chika....

My old friend

Sonnet 20
(The Saddest Lines -
Saddest Poem)
~ Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. 

Write, for example: "The night is shattered, 
and the blue stars shiver in the distance." 

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. 
That I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. 

On nights like this one, I held her in my arms. 
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. 

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too. 
How could one not not have loved her great, still eyes? 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. 
To think that I do not have her. To feel I have lost her. 

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. 
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. 

What does it matter that my love could not keep her. 
The night is shattered, and she is not with me. 

This is all.
In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. 

My sight searches for her as though to go to her
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. 

The same night whitening the same the same trees. 
We, we who were, are the no longer the same. 

I no longer love her, that is certain, but how I loved her. 
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her ear. 

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before 
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes. 

I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I love her. 
Love is so short, forgetting so long. 

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms, 
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. 

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer, 
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Puedo Escribir los Versos mas Tristes Esta Noche

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.
Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche esta estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella tambien me quiso.

En las noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La bese tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo tambien la queria.
C�mo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, mas inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocio.

Que importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche esta estrellada y ella no esta conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazon la busca, y ella no esta conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos arboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuanto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oido.

De otro. Sera de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque este sea el ultimo dolor que ella me causa,
y estos sean los ultimos versos que yo le escribo.
Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.


http://www.links2love.com/poetry_12.htm