I believe in god... I see god in the signs of life. the clues he gives us telling us which way to go. It is just to me god has never been much of a friend.. I look back at my life... and can't help but wonder why he ever made me. It is like my life is some cruel joke.
It is strange being a child. I don't think you really understand emotional pain when you are young which is why memories which should be painful only seem odd. Like when you look back you know it was wrong but you don't feel the emotional hurt you would expect to. It just feels as something was not right.. I think it is because we have no awareness, no knowledge to base the experience on as a child. Or maybe the sensation of flying is greater than the sensation of landing... My first memory as a child is being in the air after my mother threw me from the kitchen in the log cabin we lived in. There were only two rooms in the place. Where we made food and where we slept. I went from where we made food to where we slept through the air like superman.
Looking back now I don't blame my mother. She had made the mistake of being married to my idiot father and the truth was she at times in my life was insane. I remember reading in a book I stupidity gave to a girl about how Napoleon was able to convince men to die for him because institutions don't speak to the imagination of men... well I say institutions seek to stifle emotion. If you look at our world we do everything we can to try to suppress emotion. Instead of acknowledging emotion does exist and saying it is OK to feel things we seek to stuff pills down people's throats, tazer people, shoot them, anything other than actually help people deal with them. Who can afford to see a shrink. I have been to numerous doctors and only one took the time to help me get on the right medication...to see a shrink.. and even then nobody had time to help me through my problems... instead I have turned to a public blog.. my way of giving my pain to the world when the world would only seek to shut me up when I tried to get help...
The perfect example is all these educated people I work with in my day job selling computer software... you have a whole group of educated people who do not believe in mental illness. who think depression is in your mind.. there is nothing more painful in this world when people do not even acknowledge your pain. To deny a person's hurt is almost worse than experiencing it.. It is pointless because even smart people when it comes to computers can be complete morons when it comes to people... to reach people like this you have to lay on the ground covered in your own blood. Our graveyards are littered with those who were ignored by people who said it is in your head... Maybe that is what it takes to reach these people.. a bullet in the head..
So I don't blame my mother.. she was insane... insane with the madness and pain of a childhood that got fucked up like mine...my cat likes beer..
