I must of been 5 years old. It still doesn't cause me any pain to think of it. When you are that young and it is your first experience it doesn't seem wrong.. at least it didn't then. It just seemed normal to me at the time when a son of a family friend who was 2 years older took me to an outhouse. How shall I describe this? There was this large piece of land in Bella Coola a logging town. In the Inedible Hulk, the one with the Norton fellow at the end he is living in Bella Coola. It is where I grew up from 5-10. There was this single two lane road which logging trucks would go back and forth on. As children we would always pump our arms so the trucks would honk for us. On the side of this road was this piece of land with a dirt road. A 100 yard in was this house was being built which the friends of the family, the Dublins lived.. I remember shingles. In the middle of this road to the right was where my family lived. We lived in a tent. It was like having a house without the house. There was an old fashioned wash machine in our lawn. To bath we would heat water on a wood powered stove in this big metal bucket. It was a meager existance but for children it was perfect. There were four kids in my family, plus the 3 kids in the Dublin house. One of them was a boy who was probably 7. I was 5 or 6. I do not remember exactly.
One day the boy I will call John took me into the out house. Told me to take down my pants and humped me from behind. There was no penitration. He just rubbed his penis against my naked ass. It seemed normal at the time but even thne I just wanted him to like me. Looking back I don't feel distress at this because it seemed normal then... but looking back it seems like the type of thing that shouldn't happen. I am glad at that point I didn't know any better, that I was not aware of what it meant.
Just as if at the same time in my life, when either the same friend or a different friend asked me to sit in the cab of an old semi that was in his hard and asked me to lick his ass. I can't remember if I did it then, I just remember being asked to do it. Is such a thing normal I wonder? Do all children have this type of thing happen to them I wonder? Is it just the normal part of growing up. Children not understanding their body, not being able to handle the emotional aspect of puberty.
Looking back now I wonder what effect this had on my life. I was a very emotional child, full of life, happy, but also full of fear at a young age. Was it my name which children made fun of. I was like forest gump getting on the bus each morning with my messy hair, hand me down clothes just desperate for someone to like me. Desperate for a seat to sit on, desperate to not other kids make me cry. The Dublin kids tended to like my older sister but put up with me... I guess that is where I firte felt second rate.. like I wasn't equal... and maybe that is where I first felt that desire to fit in, fit in anywhere's, which I was why.. I don't know.. All I know is at 5 my life was run by fear. I didn't know fear. I think as children all we want is our little spot of the sandbox, a friend who we can escape the battle field of the young. I hated my childhood. I know that... I knew I wasn't like other kids. There was something wrong with me. I didn't belong. The feeling I have to this day.
