I am too much for anyone person... I don't write this for pity... although I suppose it might seem this way.. when you have never felt loved in your life you often end up like me.. too much for anyone person because how can one person ever make up for a lifetime of feeling one thing... we talk of shelter, food as being important.. even finacial stability but for me... the one thing I have always felt missing is love. It is why I cannot succeed in this world because I feel this heavy pain in my heart which holds me down. This loneliness inside which I fear I will never recover from. I suppose lots of people online feel this way. Maybe that is how we are all connected.. where the interenet has become a way for us to at least get some version of attention... It is why I have slept with random girls... it is why often I am too needy in relationships... it is why I seem off... why I live in constant doubt... see the question that will always live in my heart is why will nobody love me.. you become like an orphan child running from person to person saying will you love me.. and when they don't which of course they don't it confirms what you fear.. that there is something horribly wrong with me.. something that makes me unlovalable.
It is why I drink so much, why I smoke, why I often eat without carrying my cholesteral is high or my blood pressure is bad.. it is why I lay on my couch watching show after show just trying to get through the day. It is why I take sleeping pills so when I close my eyes the silence doesn't overwhelm me.
and sometimes when I travel it is ok... sometimes I feel better when I am in a place where life is happening.. I guess that is why I like open hotels.. the ones with a lobby where I can sit and work on my computer while life happens.. it makes me not feel so pathetic... by observing others live I suppose I feel kind of like I am living..
The hardest days though are when my email in the morning is just spam... in this whole world the only people who care to say hi to me are spammers... they care more than most people I call friends...
My friends... well if I don't call or write them they don't bother to remember I exist. It is why I must leave this place... why if I don't find my way to Malta... I won't make it through another winter hear... I tried to tell my boss who is my uncle this... he says he doesn't care...
I guess if I burned down his house and become a drug addict he might care.. long story their ... it is days like this I feel more like an alien than any other day.. I long for my home of terropia.. I would even settle for Gebula S if only not for the dreams of my past...
I long to feel love, not from my inbox, not from a text message, not from a phone but from her... from malta girl but even she cannot love me... the boy who was destined to walk the world without love...
I am an orphan... I will always be an orphan... and she talks of god.. who I believe exists... I know does... and I know he calls for me to move to Malta.. make a success out of myself online.. in my facebook app which needs too much work to get to the point where it will be of great interest to people. It is an ok app, better than most but still it cannot be what I need it to be without help and who will help a man with no degree and man like me but still I need to find a way to Malta.. where Malta girl will be my friend.. where I will help her launch her singing carreer and then I can fade away and spend my life working with the homeless.. telling their story and teaching them how to use computers... giving them a chance to find their place in this world... a place I have never found... a chance to change their stars for amoung the homeless, the poor I don't feel so alone...
Because here in North America the lonliness is going to kill me... I need out... I have 4 months to make the impossible come true... 4 months to find a way where I can move to another country....
