She will never understand what sayimg yes to marriage and then saying I just want to be friends didi to me. How for awhile I was happy. How much it took to trust being happy and how taking away that happiness has made it impossible for me to ever trust happiness again.
I feel so trapped by my life here in edmonton. A job that is going away, a debt I cannot afford and maybe if I was a whole person I would not care.. Just..she did not write this morning.. And so there were no presents under the xmas tree.. How my heart breaks..
She says don't make me your dream but the thing is all I have ever dreamed of is her.. To not have that dream is to give up everything I am. All I have ever wanted is love and she is everything I ever wanted except she does not love me.. That breaks a man in ways words can never describe. She wants me to accept god which I do but I can never love a god who giveth me a life with no joy. A life without love is one with no joy..and the one thing I have never had in this journey is love..
You don't know what it is like to stare at your inbox and see only spam. That your are not worth 10 minutes, not worth a 30 second text.. I must push everyone a way, I must not let them see me hurting, living in this world hurts to much when you let yourself care which is something I will never do. I will be like ice.. Perhaps this year god will give me courage because I cannot fathom spending another xmas alone.. Another xmas without love.. I will not..arggggg. I was not made for this world..
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