It is 11:45PM at night and I am sad... nothing new I am always sad because fora moment in my life I was truly happy when she said "I will introduce you to my friends as the man I will marry": and then 4 days later I was just her friend. Since then I have fought through the sadness which took over my soul and left me alone on my bed crying hoping life would take me... I have struggled to the point where I can be her friend but I have not smiled since then and I will never truly be happy again. I am 32 years old, a man who wonders why god made him, why he was put on this earth. Each day I take something to help me sleep, when I am able to force myself out of bed I go to work. I struggle through the day, then I go home and with either booze or green smoke I try to make it through the night.. in the meantime I work on my facebook app, trying to convince people to use it when I do not use it myself because of what it has cost me.. how I am so much in debt where I can't live the life I want.. trapped by the finacial wieght of a FAcebook app which cost too much to create... I know I can do funny videos, I can succeed by I feel as if my heart is drowning me... I go to sleep hoping she will email me.. and then that day is good because when she notices me night becomes day and when she does not day becomes night.. I live only because I am too much of a coward to die...
Not that she cares.. or maybe she does.. I guess her staying through my sadness is her showing she cares but to know a text message would mean so much to me and not send it, to never wish me goodnight or good morning... I am cursed you see because the moments with her were the best of my life.. moments that forever curse me to be alone because anything else would be settling and I will never let myself get hurt again.. never in a million years... all I want is to not feel another thing for the rest of my life so I might live, I might survive...
