The things we do not want to remember....

When I was around 6 or 7 my parents separated.  Being so young I didn't really know what that meant.  My dad was an idiot but I still cannot imagine the pain it would cause me to lose the woman if I had children with her.  I guess a lot of people do.. My dad took me and my older sister to live on an Island called Hunter Island just off the coast of BC.  He was going to become a trapper.  That was my dad and maybe I am like him trying to find a place we fit in this world.  Maybe that is the curse I am left with.  To walk the world alone trying to find a place to fit.  The difference between my dad and I is that I cannot settle as he has with his current wife. 

There were two families and a chicken coup when we arrived on the island.  To get there we would ride on this large flat power boat.  The family which we were situated next to was this strange wife and husband couple with a son about my age which was about 7 or 8 at the time.  The guy who I will call Rudy wore army combats all the time, apparently during some war a tank drive over him.  He didn't talk much and spent most times alone.  I remember clams. I hate clams because they left this rubbery arm in them and my dad made me eat them.  As children we all have those moments where we have to swallow something that makes us want to puke.

I should correct myself because we didn't live with this family, we lived in the old Chicken coup which had a two floors.  It was me, my older sister and my father.  We didn't have much and what we did the mouse took.  See we would have a chocolate bar and each day we would get a square of chocolate.  Then that dam mouse took our chocolate bar.  I was deprived as a child :)  My dad would cook these soggy crackers between smoking pot and singing songs on his guitar.  He was sad I think. 

Me being a kid in a whole island, well it was a little bit of heaven.  A world full of adventure but leave it to me to want to impress the other boy whose name was Tom.  I remember him making it a game who could kiss my older sister.  I remember kissing her on the cheek and then my dad taking me aside and explaining you don't kiss your older sister. 

How fucked up a child must of I been to not know that?  As I look back now I am still disgusted with myself.  All I wanted was someone to like me.  Someone to want to be my friend.  To fit in... I don't know if this was the reason my sister and I do not talk to eachother.  Why in the 30 years I have known her she has never taken me out for coffee and never once said anything nice about me.  Of all the people in my life she hurts me the most because I always feel as if she wishes I never existed... that she wonders the same thing I wonder and why did god make me... I mean all I do is drink, smoke and wait to die.  Like I am running to cancer.