Just as I needed my family to love me.. to love the broken boy who become a broken man who had too much emotion.. too many memories...but my family couldn't love me.. my mom did but not my sisters.. my little one did more than my older but not enough.. because I wasn't normal... I never talked properly.. I was screwed up inside.. I can't remember ever sitting down with my older sister.. I can't remember her ever giving me advice.. I can't remember her ever wanting to know me... and I try to be strong.. but I can't.. I cry when I think about it.. how when I cut my chest.. when blood ran down my chest she called my little sister because she couldn't deal with it.. she couldn't deal with me..
her little brother.. the one that was fucked up.. just wanting to be accepted and she couldn't give me that.. even now when I just wanted someone to share this app with.. someone to maybe give me advice on accounting she couldn't give me that.. how when her kids come over they make comments that a child would not make about me living with my mother.. still unable to simply accept that every day I wake up it is a struggle to simply get out of bed.. how for the best 5 years there is rarely a day I do not cry.. how I struggle so hard to keep going because my own family did not love me...
My little sister was better I suppose.. she was there for me from time to time.. but again she never wanted to know me... but she tried more.. she accepted me more than my older sister but the pain with my younger sister is she never was willing to help me even a little with this app stuff without making me pay her $20 an hour.. even then.. even when I paid her she....maybe she did try.. I don't know but I know my younger sister and I will never talk again..
See both my brother and I don't have any sisters.. knowing them always came with conditions.. there love always had conditions.. we had to be ok.. we had to have it all together.. we had to have it figured out..
And so many of us in this world face this same pain.. that for those we call family to love us we can't be sad, we can't struggle, we have to be happy because if we are not it is hard on those we love.. if we do not have a good carreer it is hard on those we love... see that is what too often love is.. we need someone to be who we need them to be because it is too hard to love someone for who they are...
And that is how my sisters.. always made me feel... as if who I am was never good enough for there love..
Posted via email from Gebalove
