Redemption

I never had a lot of friends growing up.  Stuff happens and you lose the ability to trust people.  Most of what I know about people comes from movies and watching people from the outside.  I was always the kid who never fit.  It is what happens when you live a lie.. I am in the process of looking back at my life... a friend of mine calls it healing.   I don't know what I think.  My life was a lie. 

I was the boy who from 5-8 feared getting on the school bus in the morning because kids would tease me because of my name, my shaggy hair, or my hand me down clothes.  The remember paying each morning for just an empty seat.. someone to sit with.  I was forest gump except there was never a Jenny to save me...took me a long time to understand that happy endings don't have to happen in real life. 

At 13 I began to live another lie.  Afraid people would find out, would know.. would think I was... I created a new persona for myself.  not that it ever really works...

And then I also had to lie about being poor, about the fact my mother didn't work because she was emotionally fucked up... you would think winning a contest at school to eat lunch with your teacher at any fast food restarant would be a big deal for a kid and the food part was... its just the question what does your mom do scared me... my mom was on welfare.. we were poor, sometimes we didn't have food...

So I told another lie.. soon all you are is lies.. I once had a girl say she heard I slept with 60 girls when I slept with none.... which was better than the truth, that I talked one way to make it seem I was one way so people wouldn't know the truth..

And the thing about lies is to keep them going you have to keep things in a setting you know how to lie in... and so you become controlling because things like hanging out with large groups of people.. certain senarios that would seem normal to other people are foreiegn to you, they terrify you.. and you justify your controlling nature with logical arguments because even the most horrid of acts can seem justified if you look at it from the right persepective...

And as you get older, as you fail to find love because you do not love yourself.. a key requirement in love because nobody can love you enough to make you whole... you keep hearing about how you need to heal.. how you need to learn to like yourself... but it seems like such an impossible thing.. it seems to be something that happy people say to unhappy people..

They don't get it though... they do not know what it feels like to have someone say Gebadia you are a great guy but I can't be your friend.  They do not know what it is like to be so lonley that you wake up in the middle of the knight to see if someone emailed you or keep your phone on so everytime an email comes you can check and see if it is a friend.. to not even bother to answer a phone because you know it is never for you...

To know that if you did not write nobody would ever write you.... to see how you are forgotten...how easy you are forgotten... how useless and unneeded that makes you feel..

You never show it though because the few scraps of friendship people give you.. well you need to lie.. to pretend you are happy... even if all you do each day after work is come home, smoke a joint so you can dampen the echo of lonliness in your heart enough to pound away on a computer... because you desperately hope to find a way to be free of a job where you are treated like a pion.. where even though you have good ideas because you do not have a degree your words are never heard.. how the same words coming from another mouth get action.. how you are put down and treated with contempt for daring to think...

Weakends are the worst.. because you can't hide from the lonliness.. there isn't enough noise.. I just lie on the couch trying to not feel things...a good day for me...

Sometimes I am able to take off work early and see a movie alone... you don't feel so pathetic seeing a movie alone if it is a matinee.. still when people see you thye make fun of you or hear about it.. you want to say if I had friends to go with me I would but you lie.. you make it seem like you enjoy going alone... for me it is about escape.. it is where I buy nachos and cheeze and jalepenoes.. a coke and a bottle of water I do not open.. I just have to buy it.. OCD...

Other than that Tuesdays are a good day because it means itunes will have new movies... which make the noise louder.. which means maybe for 2 hours you can escape who you are.. I will do anything to no be me...

There is something horribly wrong with me.. my sisters have never asked me out for coffee.. I have never hugged my sisters..

My favorite movies are the action ones like Rambo.. a story of redemption in a way.. people who know they do not fit.. whose lives are full of sin.. alsmost as if you accept you are a fallen soul and it is the gates of hell that await you... and within this life there is a moment.. some act.. some moment of redemption that says my life mattered.. I did something good...

For me that is Malta girl... when I look upon her I love god because he made someone so beautiful.. I praise him for giving the world her... I don't know how to be a good friend but I try... I hope that somehow I am able to have a positive effect on the world. I would like to call us friends but something tells me friendship should be more than an email every couple of days.. and in person it is.. just she lives in malta and I live here...  I try to pretend I am happy because I know my sadness worries her and I am afraid she will not write her emails if I am sad... we don't chat or talk on the phone..  it just isn't her way..

I was clingy after the last time I saw her.. it changed how she treats me.. she doesn't say nice things about me often anymore.. I use to be exciting to her but now I think I am old.. she has been there done that.. and now she is moving on.. I want to stay relevent in her life.. I want to matter... It is not fair to her I know but I just don't want to fade away...like always happens cause then I have nobody..

I cannot tell her this because then she will know how pathetic I am and maybe she knows this.. part of the reason she keeps me around is she pities me.. and even sadder is how I would rather have her pity me than not know me at all..  I am that desperate to feel human connection..

I use to think she was the one.. we had such moments together but later I learned it was just me feeling something while she faked it..and so I find no happiness in the memories... I cry when I think of them.. I cannot eve look at the pictures..

I never show her any of this.. not that she would take the time to read it.. I don't blame her.. she can't be what I need... nobody can.. I lie and tell her I am healing even though I don't know what that means.. I have told these stories to shrinks before.. it never changes... I am still alone...always alone..

She let me hold her when I was in Malta... it was the first time I have held someone in so long... It felt amazing.. it is the last time I will get to hold anyone.. If I see her again I won't be able to hold her... it hurts too much because to feel that.. it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.. and to go without it... it is easier not to know it..

My moment of redemption is helping her see that all her dreams are possible... that god gave her this gift... I send her flowers all the time and use to send her quotes until my phone company cancelled my phone account because I did not pay my bill.  I have the money but it is hard for me when I am stoned to do things like that.. pay bills.. it is a battle to fight through the lonliness to be functional.. expecially hear where all the eyes of my life say Gebadia you do not matter...

I do not tell her this.. I don't want her to see me as pathetic like everyone else.. she is the little bit of good in this world.. it is a struggle... because I do love her.. she hates it when I say I want.. I just want her to be happy you know.. I see god in her...

It is funny how I can love god for making her... and in the same breath hate him for making me.. I don't know why he ever created a person like me.. why I am here... I close my shades in my office so I don't see outside.. I don't like to play with my dogs... I can't let myself be happy.. it is easier not to..

I want to move to malta to help matla girl with her music.. to walk with her for awhile.. she never says she wants that too.. I hope she does.. it is the one little bit of happiness I do let myself feel... but she will get mad at me because I won't be able to eat dinner with her family.. because I won't go for coffee with her friends..

She does not understand the voices of my past.. the amount of times I have been rejected by those who are suppose to love me.. each time it gets harder... it is why I will never hold, kiss or have sex with another woman... even her I cannot hold anymore..because when they reject me.. when she finds another and she will I need to be strong... I need to build up walls around me so I don't fall apart because with her.. I just want her to always think of me fondly... she is my little bit of redemption..

but in time when she starts her life.. finds someone to marry.... I will fade away... It is why god made me...

It is what happened with Jasmine.. she use to cry because with me was the first time she new what it felt to be desired... but then she left because her bf was the type of man she married.. he was stable and had money..

And it is the same with Malta girl.. I helped restore her faith in man woman love..

it is just I am not the guy.. and I realize now I never will be... me.. it is a beach in costa rica.. I will smoke and I will drink.. I will get a dog..name him Gebo... maybe I will live in a hotel... I always like hotels because you can sit in the lobby on your computer and pretend you have a life.. pretend you are not the loser who went on vacation alone because you don't have friends to go with you...

I just hope I don't become like one of those old men who live in places like DR.. who use the fre viagra and the cheap hookers to hide the fact they are alone... no... I can't do that... I won't do that because for awhile Malta girl.. thought I was worth knowing..  I will not dishonor her that way... there is a little good in me....

This is my life...

Posted via email from Gebalove