I am always the one who has to keep the friendship going..

People wonder why I have no friends.. why I don't go out.. why I sit at home all the time.. well it is because at some point in each persons life you can't be the one who initiates everything... you can't be the one who always emails or calls first.  With me it is that way with everyone.. I am nothing, nobody because if I do not write to others my inbox will be empty.. if I do not call others I will never talk to anybody... and I guess somewheres along the line I stopped being able to to be the one who always makes the first move... I guess along the way I lost faith in life.. I broke deep down and simply cannot handle living in this world where I am so easily forgotten.. I get up, I go to work, I go home... it is always the same.. there is no moments of smiles.. I haven't smiled, truly smiled in such a long time.. my only joy, if you can call it joy is going to a movie alone.. to leave work early... in time my words will become less.. and then in time my words will become none and all that will be left is this.. these blogs.. the only place I am ever heard is here and in my http://youtube.com/igebadia...  channel.. it is a strange reality never having anyone to just talk to.. I haven't sat on the phone.. or had coffee with a friend in months.. WIth the exception of Malta years... I am alone.. I will always be alone.... I thought about this morning and after my last experience I am fatally broken when it comes to love.. whatever faith I had in it is gone.. I cannot believe in it..  I do not believe I am worthy of such a feeling... I will never rish being happy again... happiness terrifies me because the moment I trust it, it goes away... I would rather just feel this dull sadness then ever feel that pain as happiness is ripped from me...

Posted via email from Gebalove