People say you can't get addicted to green smoke.. and they are right a person cannot get addicted to it, but their pain can. For me whenever I have been happy I never needed such distractions..problem is I have not been happy in so long.. this life did not turn out as I would of guessed or had hoped.. one event, one choice made me into something different...and what a terrible thing it must be to be different... how the world shuns you like you are an outcast.. how usually it is your family that is the worst.. how you have to try to kill that part of you that cares what people say and think.. how you become so fucked up you almost make it a predetermined destiny.. pushing those away who might care because you simply cannot understand why...
I want green smoke.. I want to stop feeling tears on the edge of my eyes.. I want to wake up and have a reason to live.. I want to not feel this lonlieness... so many wants.. no answers.. few of you will understand...
See it is simple science.. happy is a chemical in your brain or the ability to feel happy is a chemical.. when you don't have enough serotonin you are more predispositioned to feel sadness.. now I am sure you will say it is in my head and your right that is where the chemical reaction takes place..and it is a chemical reaction.. and it is almost sad how many people don't get that.. even thought if I were to talk of coke, or meth and talk about the chemical reaction that makes you would believe that.. why is it we cannot believe not enough of something could make us more prone to sadness..
I am sure you will come up with look in a mirror and smile..see more prone to sadness just means things are harder for me to deal with.. for me the underlining problem is what happened to me as a child made it impossible for me to be close to anyone.. I felt as if I was going to hell.. my belief in god destroyed me......and I am simple a jagged puzzle only a mother could love.. and so I am lonely... starving from years of not having love.. not being able to get love.. not being able to enjoy love because such an emotion is too powerful.. it needs trust and I have none.. I see myself as unlovable...
Day 1 without green smoke.. it is not a good one so far..
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I want green smoke.. I want to stop feeling tears on the edge of my eyes.. I want to wake up and have a reason to live.. I want to not feel this lonlieness... so many wants.. no answers.. few of you will understand...
See it is simple science.. happy is a chemical in your brain or the ability to feel happy is a chemical.. when you don't have enough serotonin you are more predispositioned to feel sadness.. now I am sure you will say it is in my head and your right that is where the chemical reaction takes place..and it is a chemical reaction.. and it is almost sad how many people don't get that.. even thought if I were to talk of coke, or meth and talk about the chemical reaction that makes you would believe that.. why is it we cannot believe not enough of something could make us more prone to sadness..
I am sure you will come up with look in a mirror and smile..see more prone to sadness just means things are harder for me to deal with.. for me the underlining problem is what happened to me as a child made it impossible for me to be close to anyone.. I felt as if I was going to hell.. my belief in god destroyed me......and I am simple a jagged puzzle only a mother could love.. and so I am lonely... starving from years of not having love.. not being able to get love.. not being able to enjoy love because such an emotion is too powerful.. it needs trust and I have none.. I see myself as unlovable...
Day 1 without green smoke.. it is not a good one so far..
subscribe to follow my blog on http://gebalove.com by entering your email.. brings the blogs right to your inbox..no spam..
also you could just add yourself as a fan to my app at http://cybersweetness.com
Posted via email from Gebalove
