Will I ever be able to be happy and alone?

If it seems that I am feeling sorry for myself it is not the intent... the truth is in this life I have nobody I can just be totoally open and honest with.. one friend only wants short emails or she won't read them.. another simply gets too tired reading in a different language... and my heart is full of a million thoughts.. a million things dying to get out without someone to talk to.. people say depression is in your head... and they are right in that the problem is a chemical imbalance in the brain... Is there a cure?  If so I have not found it.. drugs lesson the effect but the truth is to really be able to live a content life because happiness is something we get sometimes I think you need tremendous kindness.. you need friends who are willing to distract you.. make you go out when you feel sad... who will sit with you and say just get it out.. do not worry you will offend me with your words.... I am not going anywheres.. tonight I am not going anywheres.. tonight we shall sit and cry together.. talk of death.. get out every morbid thought.. I do not have any answers expect I will hug you after and still feel the same way after...

Sadly I have never found anyone who cared enough about me to do this and the scars inside my heart are too prodound.. the hurt to great to ever let anyone get close to me again... I am sure your first instinct will be to say something like things will change.. but I am a very introspective person.. I spend all my time looking inside me, trying to understand me.. when I say I shall never love again...I say that as a man who has wanted nothing but love his own life but realizes something broke inside this time.. it is different.. I do not have any fight left.. I am beaten.. because I realize the problem isn't with anyone else but me.. a man unable to ever forgive himself for being 13teen... a man who has hated himself to the point he pretended to be anything but himself.. a man whose heart is like a wild fire burning out of control..

That is the hardest thing.. if I am not to find love what is the point of life?  I dream of travelling the world putting a face to the pollution companies have done... but that is not about being happy.. it is about helping the world because we are lost within the lies of profit...as for me inside.. I just want to not feel sad... not feel lonely...

but perhaps that is a dream for another life...

Posted via email from a fractured mind...