She is the most wonderful girl in the world

I have no dit button with her. At times I feel myslef on fire wanting her completely. I cannot even masturbate about other girls so completely enamored with her I am. Even the thought of talking to her is sensual for me. I long to breath it the sweet frangurance of her hair.

I no longer care if it is love or friendship because it will be magical..........
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Saying goodbye to the poet

Bella does not want the poet, she just wants the knight...or is it polly..I am never sure anymore... like usual when it comes to girls they find my wild ways amusing a first but I am always overwhelming...  I tried for love and then I lost.  It is the story of my life it seems.  This one hurts worse than others...hurts the worst of all.  TIme did stop steal for her.  I know it is silly to think such a thing of a girl in the facebook feed... but this one, it did.  We are still friends...which is nice... but it doesn't mean I won't be sad.  Sure something could happen in the future but I cannot hope, hope kills me. 

I will date others but how do I do that.  Do I tell them they can have me and not my heart?  Because that is what the truth would be..  I know you think I am being silly... and maybe I am.  But you do not know me...  I do not let girls in, I have only slept with 1 girl in the past 2 years.  I do not have it in me to trust people... 

I am a poem.. the guy who would say such things and mean them.  I am heatcliff who would wait on the edge of the moors for eternity for his Elizabeth...  but now is time to bury my heart.  Give it back to the heart so with a tear in my eye... and one regert..never being able to make love to Bella...never being able to kiss her, feel her heart next to mine I say good bye to the poet...good bye to that dream...

It is scary because love is all I have ever wanted... all I have ever dreamed of... and now...what do I do in this new reality...because I cannot settle.. will I become an old man of hookers and viagra I wonder... would such a bordom entice me..  Alas I think I will just buy a boat and sail off into the sunset...goodbye poet...goodbye...

Pascals wager of sorts..maybe not

The reality is if this will be my last hurrah..forray into the realm of love then I shall go glorious into the night..I shall hold nothing back...I will give it everything I have, enjoy every moment and when it is done, I shall move on and find some other joy...

I am not like other people in that I can settle...  You see I have to actually believe the girl is the most beautiful girl in the world to say it...I have to believe the girl is the most amazing girl in the world to date her...  and my polly..my bella..who could compare...so I will give it all...car pe dium.

The fear is getting the of me today..

I am going to Malta... we will have the most wonderful of times and you will forget me...I am sorry but tonight...I am feeling down..business meeting didn't go well...I heard some country song on the radio and started thinking...  what am I doing...  You are the most wonderful girl I have ever met..  I am not the only guy who will see this.  I am interesting and wildly amusing...  what does that mean.  what does that mean...  just once I wish I could trust something you know.

You must break my heart right?  You would never chose me..forever..  I don't believe that will ever happen.  How does one get past these fears. 

It doesn't matter...anyways...I will never meet another girl like her...this is it for me...hopefully she never reads that...it doesn't matter if I go to malta or not...  I would have no reason to try after her...it would settling... 

I am not being sad...I am being logical.  She is the girl I have dreamed of my whole life.  What if she doesn't love me?

How does one give up on love completely because I feel I must prepare for that reality.  She vbarely notices I exist.  If I did not write or send gifts..would she write me...do I have the courage to find out?

I must...I must know...because her gifts she took back..she regreted making me a group, she regreted sending me that card, she regreted everything because for her it was a moment...a high..I wasn't suppose to take it serious...

I am a fool..who loves a girl who is an after thought to her...  she will dance to another flower...   and I will never see the sun again..

Tonight I am pablo and I feel the saddest of words tonight...  I must enclose my heart and be safe..

love and pain...and reality

I am always fine for awhile...and then the fear comes back...then it goes away...I dance between madness and normalicy...today I feel sick...when I am sick I should never write to Polly who I call her now.  I should never even go near her photos...because she is too pretty..there are photos with men and I cannot read her smile..are these men she loved or loves.  How will I compare?  Could she love me...the man who sends her a 5 page letter talking about the things he has done in the past..the mistakes horrid...the questions come and go..I want to exscape the pain inside me the fear...somedays I am on clouds but others like today I struggle to hold my head above water. 

She is so inconsitent that I never know when I will hear from her again.  To love someone...so far away...knowing so little is like being blind and asking a stranger to help you across the street. 

but my fear is not for her...it is for me...it is my dance between who I was and who I must become..it is always a struggle I fear.  I sometimes I wish I was stupid...ignorant, some red neck...my head hurts...my necks hurts...leave me alone demons...I have had enough of you..I am tired...

The terror in my heart...bella...

I am at work right now getting ready to book a trip and am paralized with fear.  It is as if my heart is shuddering inside me afraid..of what I do not know..it is always this way when I care for someone deeply...the emotion is always accompanied by the most intense fear one can imagine.  It is why I hate love...I hate carying for someone...It is always the same...words fly thoughts fly through my mind at a maddening rate no logic or reason...I am in a chair and it like be bombarded with a million images all at once..bam..bam...bam..

 

does she know how I feel about her if something were to happen...have I said enough words...is she mad at me..does she care..a million questions that have no logic basis to them...

 

just the thoughts we all feel I imagine when the panic hits..

 

yet for me there is no reason for this panic...  we are not in love... it is just my self destructive nature...it is easier to destroy something than to care for them... because I afraid to care for people... deep down I am certain they will leave...

 

in the past this fear would of won, would of got the best from me...I am certain I would of called her or texted her or emailed her looking for some reasurance...but for her...to know her...I would fight every demon I have because she is my light...

 

She is what living should be like...I read her words, I see her pictures...and I know there is happiness in this world...it gives me hope... 

 

she lets me write to her and in doing so something more powerful than fear flows free,  just knowing that she might read my words...that somehow the odd things I say and do might make the most beautiful girl smile..

 

and then the fear passes and I am ok... you might think me silly.... that some girl on the other side of the world could have such an effect on you...that the thought of her smile...would be more powerful than a lifetime of fears you might say...

 

You will say I am just a boy with the biggest crush on a girl... that I should go on anti-depressents to beat back these fears, 

 

And in many ways you would be right....I would give her my heart without a thought or care...in my dreams I am her prince, her knight slaying dragons, beast and foe alike...

 

but those are for the dark of night...when the imigination runs wild...see the problems with little pills is my words will cease to

which also banished this poet to a far off land... 

 

Perhaps this is the price you pay for the words which are my magic.  In the fairytales of old magic does not come freely.  There is always a toll that must be paid , a scar we must wear.  For my words, to reach down deep, to feel with such intensity the price is fear...and perhaps that is normal.  Because when you care deeply about something should you not fear losing it? 

 

now my words fail me...  I do not do this for love yet I do...  not because I love her...  it is because I love the words that fall for her...  I have found something in me...  something worth fighting for.. a sliver of hope...  discovered in the midst of my darkness... 

 

It was a struggle for Lancelot to not let his desire to have Gwenevere...  he was her knight first and formost... and so I have become my Bella's knight...  her poet...  and in my dreams her king...

 

I am not a silly boy...I am not crazy because it is not love I need from her...  it is enough to know that I make her smile... for that I am no longer broken... my fear will come... and I am strong enough to let it pass... it will make my heart shudder to the core...  I will scream... but in the end...  I can see her smile...  and I know that I will be her knight...  and it is ok...  because to banish this poet.. would be to banish who I most want to be.....

Singalong: Ode to my bella...

My chest just aches.I will never let myself love again...

I haven given up trying to find love...I am 32 years old and the same panic..the same fear..the same doubt the physically manifests itself upon my chest which makes it hard to breath is still there.  It is this constant dull pain on the right side of my chest which I cannot ever shake...it comes and goes...taking the will to live from me...I am stronger now in that I can stop myself..but it is still strong enough that I can never defeat it...I look back at my life and now I see I have felt this pain since I was 5 years old walking into kindergarten..my whole I have always been afraid.  I am termoil...desperate for love but my heart will always be too wild to ever really handle it...the cracks are too deep..the madness is too strong...

bella chronicles: How to lose the girl of your dreams in 2 days..

I scared her away

She doesn't understand...she doesn't have time to find out...how broken I really am..my whole life I have felt second class...like person who never belonged...I destroy what is good so others cannot or will not leave me...I could not handle her silence..my chest thumps with fear...I am a fool begging for foregiveness which is where I spend most of my life.  I will never attempt to love or date or touch another in love or lust agian..I will never hug another..as soon as I can find away..I will find a beach...and be lost from this world that does not want me...her..my bella..I hope she knows I love her..

Saying goodbye to love

As you can clearly see...I have such capacity for love...but it is too wild for me...it rips me apart...burning from the inside out...bella and I got lost...she should of just been my muse...so for a while the madness in Gebalove shall end....and the story of the "Madness of Gebadia Smith" http://www.togocats.com shall begin. 

How fear becomes physical..

I am afraid...my chest is tight and I cannot breath.. this is why I hate caring for other people...it is so hard for me to be confident..to believe they might not forget me..I know this must seem foriegn to most people.  But I get more love from telephone marketers than friends.  She is writing exams and cannot talk.  I should understand and pretend to but I don't.  I am too smart for that.  Once upon a time she talked of comprimise, of msn, of video chat, of telephone but those were promises made on a high.  Maybe it is just exams...maybe I am being silly.  I feel so uncertain when it comes to her because any hope she has given me, she has taken back the next day...perhaps that is normal when trying to win the heart of someone so young...more than likely it just means she is not interested in me and I need to accept the reality. 

 

It is hard to say goodbye to that hope.  There is so much in her I want...in fact everything I have seen I want...there was the feeling of relaxation when we first started talking...like relief that I had finally found the girl...problem was it was me who felt it not her.  It is a terrible thing to have a heart like mine and nobody to love...nobody to simply talk to...

 

I don't know if you can imagine what it is like to live a life with only yourself to keep you company...never to hear words back..

 

It has been forever since I had a girl look at me with love...see me as something interesting, exciting...

 

I fear it has been too long...the need is too great to feel that way..

 

I try not to email my Bella anymore...I try not to text her.  She has never complained but I need to know that she cares for me...that I matter to her...that she is willing to bend a little because she does not...

 

I fear her trials for me will leave me broken... it is hard to care for another when you feel like an after thought to them...but maybe that is just the fact I am stuck on a computer and it is exams...I do not know...I do not know anything it seems...

 

It is the uncertainty that is hardest...but I will try to be strong, try not to let my fear wreck this because I could be wrong...I do not know anymore or anything...I am a blind man without a cane fumbling along, I will trip and fall...

 

I wait for her to send me an email saying I am freak. 

Does love make you cry?

I am always waiting for my own fairytale...for some girl to find me beautiful...I often cry when I watch movies...I often dream of having someone look at me..like I am something special...I suppose such things are for dreams...They are not for me...

The curse of a broken mind

It is a strange thing they call love..how the possibiity of it can turn your life upside down.  How you are never ready for it when it comes or the girl comes along that makes all those sappy love songs make sense.  I have lived an interesting life.  From living in a chicken coop to sitting in a closet alone watching the blood drip down my arms struggling with the guit of a past I could not carry alone and a genetic weakness to effects of lack of sunlight.  In oour world such things we should not discuss.  The looks, the fear in people eyes.  The comments of ignorance..  but am I to be ashamed of where I have come from, the struggles I have gone through.  Have we all not sat alone in tears once or twice.  Why should my past destine me to the same future. 

I find myself wondering about god, religion, something I have hated for so long because of a girl..  I blamed god for making me weak, for making me cracked...it is an awful existence to be trapped in the madness of a broken mind.  Those who have shared such a reality know, those who don't look at us as if we are freaks.  For us success is not found in a school, or in a degree or in any external factor but in conquering our own demons.  It takes people like us longer to figure things out because inside is a raging fire, a passion that we will always struggle to control and the scars of the past where we have fallen, keeps us afraid of simply trying because the fall is longer for us.  We do not know the middle road...it is almost safer never to to try...forgive me I seem to be rambling...

My life is  a struggle for me with no clear answers.  There is a girl, one who enchants me but I am just some face on a computer screen, not real...for moments I seem to hold her gaze but for longer moments I do not, I am merely an afterthought.

I have a job that will allow me to see her but my job is a living hell.  I am surrounded by people who ignore my genius, my creative outside the box mind because I do not possess a degree, because I am not tame and can not hold my tongue when I see imperfection in the way we do things. 

I understand human nature...I have observed it my whole life, watching, learning, trying to adapt so I might be normal, always afraid I would say the wrong thing, or act the wrong way, never able to relax.  Insights were gained, a deeper understanding.  Yet I am chaotic, random like a wild fire burning across a dry, grassy field.  I need help focusing my energy, a gentle hand guiding me in the right direction but instead in my job I find a tyrant.  Someone who would seek to make me a robot, subservient, beat me down until and nothing more but the boy in a closet with tears falling down his eyes....A man who instead of trying to help me succeed, constantly calls me names, belittles me, ripps away any confidence that I might succeed, because he does not agree withe the choice I would make..

See I do have a dream, in my darkness I saw a light, a way to be free from this unhappy existence.  I took what little money I had and hired an engineer to build me a Facebook app.  We are almost done...it is so close and yet at th same so far... so many bugs...it has not been an easy journey alone and I do need help but there are so many charlotans in this virtual world... many a night I struggles with the pressure of the cost, of trying to organize this chaotic mind.  The lies,the friends and family that would laugh at me, not even taking a moment to listen, to see.....family is the cruelest when you dare dream, because they have know me the longest and have seen the dark places I have been and to them in many ways that is the person I always see when I look into there eyes.  They don't see the boy who is simply trying to find happiness...who wants more than this sad existence I live...

They don't see th poet that is trying to win the the heart of the most amazing girl he has ever met, who happens to live on the other side of the world, who happens to shun technology...  They don't see the genius which is trying grow..the man who has learned Facebook and this mysterious internet world enough to compete against the very brightest.  All they see is the boy in the closet, the boy they had to take to the emergency room because once upon a time life was too much...

I suppose I should not talk about my past...I should be afraid of it...hide it, put on a brave face and accept my reality...but I cannot...I want to be a whole man..I am tired of living with this chasm inside of me, this emptiness where I have broken off all human connection...this girl..she makes me dream...but it hard because I must ignore all the eyes of my life, I must believe I am not the man they see..I must believe I am worth her gaze remaining on me and not falling for another until a month from now we are too meet.  I must believe that she will find me beautiful, that she would risk it all to be with me as I would risk it all to be with her.  I must believe I can make this Facebook application a reality, that I might be able to generate a living where close to her I can live...I must ignore the tyrant who so abuses me..I must suffer his wrath to pay for this dream to even be possible.  I must suffer through being his slave until I can finally break free of these shackles that bind me..

I also must believe that if I will crash, when she tells me she does not love me,  I will not become the boy in the closet again..because I could not do that to this girl..I could not have her heart feel that pain...so maybe I don't believe...each day I wait for her to say don't come, you are a freak, you need help because so many have said such a thing when they notice I do not go bahhh, bahhh like the good little sheep we need those around us to be..  there is no place for me in this world I fear...so maybe I do believe...maybe I am trying to build my own world, my own castle in the clouds...maybe I am trying to find my own princess and tell my own fairytale...maybe I just need a little faith, a little help..

Her name is emma and she is the grim reaper..

There I was sitting at home getting ready to watch the hockey game talking to my friend Emma about helping me buy a suit tomorrow. She says she has to go running...not thinking...or simply being too male I say aren't you suppose to train me. She is like come running today. Without thinking I say yes...Emma runs marithons..I write long emails to a girl on the other side of the world.

So I show up to her place...it is the middle of winter and I am wearing shorts and hoodie. We are running I will be warm... She announced that we will be going for an 1 1/2 run...at that point I should of smiled, turned around and got back in my car. Who runs for that long? That is just wrong...but no..I am like she is a girl...I can keep up.

We start running..10 minutes in I am dying and we are still running away from her house. 20 minutes and we are still running away from her house...I keep looking back thinking when will this end..can I get a cab back or a bus... not with emma who is like a cross between a Mr.Ed and my bootcamp drill seargant you just wanted to strangle...

So we come to this hill and to the left is a nice easy way back...but no she wants to go up to the hill...even worse she won't let me pee..making me wait 10 minutes...then finally we start to head back...well once we get past the scary trails and back onto the road...I look her in the eye and say girl I do it anymore..

My legs are like 1000 pounds each, I can't straighten them, my feat...well they still hurt...I say EMMA, go ahead, leave me behind...and she does..lol...so I start to walk, it is the most painful walk ever but wonderful because I don't have to run...

except I get lost but emma sends the bunnies to help me find my way back...

She is nice...she cooks me dinner...I can't eat it because I feel like I am going to vomit...I am just trying not to die...she keeps trying to give me booze also which I can't drink..but she is so nice...and then she calls me the biggest wimp ever...

That is the Emma...beautiful but deadly...my sweet cool friend...who you should not ask to go running with unless you are a better man than I..which right now..physically is not hard...

I love her and I don't care if she knows

I am a stand on a roof tops and shout to the world type guy.  I know it seems improbable...impossible...foolish to say you love someone you have never met....how could you possibly know...You have never heard this girl laugh, or seen her smile...or a million other things that you need to know in person and you would be right...it is just the girl I have come to know online, come to care for...I have come to love...good and bad parts.  She is so frickon frustrating.  Getting her attention for a moment is so hard..let me tell you.  She is crazy...crazy...crazy...she will change her mind from one second to the next..I don't have a clue how she feels about me and to be honest it would take her saying the same thing over a long period of time for me to believe it because it the high she might say something she believes in that moment and in the low she finds it is not so true...  love or hate it that is just who she is and I love it..I love every part of her that I have seen so far...why should I be afraid to say it, yell it, scream it...I am flying across the world for this girl just on the chance she might love me...I am not inlove...no that takes two..that is a kiss from christ himself...and if I was inlove you would never know about it because I would be sitting on a cloud kissing her softly..

Who would you risk a shattered heart?

What if you were to meet a girl....a butterfly?  The type that is full of energy, positive outlook on life, deep, spiritual, hot, makes you feel young.  The type of girl you search your whole life to find.  Lets say she is younger than you.  Still at that stage where she is figuring out who she is which is something every girl should have.  Lets add in some chemistry...a magical connection that at times is electric.  Just for fun lets say you met her in your facebook feed and assume she is not some 400 pound, female axe murderer with facial hair.  Lets assume her pictures, her videos are real. 

 

She also admits she is fickle, she changes her mind like the wind changes direction.  Her life is full and there is really no place for you in it.  She does not want a relationship, she does not want love, she can promise nothing and even when she does in a week the wind will change. But there are moments, like a video of her without make up to show you she is not perfect..at least in her eyes... a group she created just for you and her to name a few...moments of magic which stop your heart and bring tears to your eyes...

 

And because every princess needs a dragon lets say her dragon is the fact she lives on the other side of the world.  Just to add to the drama, lets say she does not like technology, phones and computers too much.  

 

The good news is she will give you a chance if you would only sail the mighty seas to the Island she calls home.  Would you go?  Would you travel across the world for a chance at love even though she cannot promise  anything and it is more likely that even if things are magic...she will still need time to figure out who she is?  That loving her could mean waiting a long time for her to find her way back to you...that for a while at least you might have a shattered heart...or maybe just have a shattered heart...

 

Does it change anything if I were to say when this girl...the girl in your facebook feed...wrote to you...it was like Christmas morning, that a simple kind word from her left you flying on the clouds.  That you can never sleep in anymore because the excitement at the possibility she would write to you would make you wake up at 5 am..just to check your inbox...that you spend too much money sending her flowers, chocolates..anything that will ship to the island she calls home..to get an email or text saying you gave her the biggest smile..touched her deeply...

 

If this was a real girl...well I would risk it all...risk your heart...be Meridith asking  McDreamy to Choose you.  I bought my ticket 2 weeks ago...

Male PMS

I am tired of this PMs crap woman use to be crazy...your female...we already know your crazy... Men should have something like that...an I don't get enough sex IDGES cause that makes me grumpy. 

this is just the curse of the green...day after is hard for me

I miss you Jasmine..

I miss you...I miss you the most right now because I really need you in my life.  I wish things had been different where we could of been friends.   I wish Bobby your arranged husband had come to know me as someone who you advised on his website and not as a potential threat...but of course that would of never been possible.  You were always too brilliant for me not to love.  It would be scary how amazing you would of seemed to me if you had ever let yourself succeed more and challenged yourself.  I always was frustrated  how I could never give you my eyes...show you what I saw...I feel like I let you down...

I am too much when it comes to love...Malta girl barely notices I exist....she is going to see me...but...she is fickle...I was fun for awhile...we will meet..it will be ok..we might have a moment or two...but in the end...I will be in edmonton with a shattered heart...it is the story of my life...

This is it for me Jas...I am never going to give another girl my heart again after this.  I have been lucky I guess to know two such wonderful woman in the past year...That makes 3 girls in my life I have loved truly...you, Asha and Bella...it is enough...I don't have it in me to give my heart to anyone again...I think it is time to let go of that dream..I was ruined a long time ago when I was 13 in ways that time does not heal...

Jas when you go out with friends my friend..my imaginary friend now who willl never read this...and you see that guy walking the streets alone, watching a movie alone, or staring off into the distance unable to look at other people that will be me...a man who never really fit in this world....

Please don't make fun of him... don't pity him either...just understand that a combination of a simple chemical imbalance with a childhood of pain can make a person live outside this world, forever destined to be alone...never able to know the most wonderful happiness...

I am the man nobody will remember...I am the man whose funeral will be a quiet affair...if I live a long life...I will die and be mourned by none...

Don't feel sad for me...  It is the life I was given... it is the life I must live...

Am I depressed or just lonely...?

I hate ignorant people.  This engineer I work with has twice devalued who I am because she is too bloody stupid to understand that seasonal affective disorder and social anxiety disorder are real things.

 

I suffer from SAD..."Can't you get a light for that?"  She said..  If life was only that easy to ignorant moron.  Do you ponder what is the point of life?  Do you feel sad all the time in the winter?  Is getting up, leaving the house seem like this huge giant thing?  Does your chest have a hole in it?  An eternal emptiness that can never be filled.  Do you scare off people because you are so desperate inside to be loved...to just have someone to laugh with...to talk to...

 

I suffer from social anxiety disorder..."We all suffer from that."  She said.  Really does your chest physically go tight and you can't breath at the thought of interacting with people even though you are desperate..so desperate for even a little attention.

 

Living for me is a struggle.  I have to hope a girl like Bella doesn't get scared off because I am so lonely, so intense, so wild.  I smoke green because it numbs the rampaiging emotions in my heart.  When I don't smoke I drink..to control the rampaiging of my heart. 

 

I live in lonliness.  I don't have any friends because of how fucked up my heart is.  Don't devalue that you fuckin moron.  It is just logic.  A chemical imbalance in the body, a lack of vitamen D which leads to a lower production of seritonin.  We know this...for a fact...yet still we have these ignorant idiots...

 

Maybe that is the problem with the world.  Not the fucked up people like me cause at least we admit it but you fuckers who simply laugh and say...it is in your head.  I will do that same thing when you get cancer because you can see that right...even though you can't see the chemical reaction that led to cancer.  Maybe that is why people who are sad have to cut there arms...or attempt to kill themselves.  Maybe that is what it takes for you idiots to notice...

 

Now that is not me.  I am not in that place anymore.  I am smarter now..but I have been there.  I know what it means to take enough pills to wonder if you will wake up.  I know what it means to pray to god to give you the courage to take your life...

 

I have been through that hell..and survived but it is a part of me.  I understand what sadness...genetic sadness means.  It is the worst type of sickness.  Most times there really isn't any cure.  Pills don't always work..and when they do...you are not you...they change you..chemically alter who you are...

 

If that was not bad enough...half the people in the world treat you like a leopard.  Like they will catch your sadness... It is like having a gunshot wound that is slowly bleeding and having a doctor say you are fine. 

 

Do you know what it is like watching your sadness push away the girl of your dreams? 

 

 

I am way too much

I hate who I am, this self doubt, it kills me.  She doesn't even notice me half the time or know I exist.  I give up trying.  Either she notices me or she doesn't.  I can't send anymore gifts.  I can't keep doing this.  She obviously is not interested...  so it is time I realize that and let it be.  I know she is busy and it has nothing to do with the fact she needs to study...its not that...its just the timing is wrong for her and it is time I stopped pushing...I stopped trying...

I want a dam medal

It is funny how I rarely write when I am happy...but today I found peace...or a little bit of peace.  I made a choice.  See I am a little crazy... if you sat down and went through my life you will see a lifetime of oddness.  I guess you could say I am suppose to be fucked up..lol.. but I am not.  I spent too much of my life listening to people, telling me I wasn't enough of a sheep.  Cause that is what people who tease, make fun, criticize are doing.  They are say bahh, bahh, bahh...you should be like us, just another face in a crowd..and I could not be that boring if I tried.  The thing is...sheep...are never remembered.  The people that fit in and live these ordinary lives...they are never remembered.  The people who are written of in our history textbooks, the ones that truly affected this world..were like me.  Out of place, extraordinary...  And I decided that it is time to embrace my weirdness. 

I was feeling bad...feeling guilty...feeling like there was something wrong with me...but there wasn't.  What feeling is greater than love?  Why shouldn't a guy pull out all the stops, why should he give everything he has when he finds a girl like Bella.

I have been around, I have looked for so long...and I never met a girl more spectacular than her.  So what if she is difficult and difficult would be understatement.  Who ever wins her heart is going to be the luckiest guy in the world...  actually I should say...I am going to be the luckiest guy in the world...and she will the luckiest girl in the world because I know how to love...and my love story...it is going to be a fairytale...she is going to walk on clouds...

I want a do over I think...

I just feel like an idiot...hey want some drama with that life...  Seriously why the fuck can't I relax... show a little confidence...Gebadia

Building a facebook app will drive you crazy...

To love or not to love..

This last week for me has been...interesting to say the least when it comes to Bella. I am starting to put together enough of the puzzle to understand who this girl is that enchants my heart.  Once upon a time she said to me that perhaps the reason she is single is because the men in her life were unable to love her enough.  I didn't really understand what that meant.  She also called love a beautiful inconvenience and again I did not understand what she meant by that.  They were words without true context to me...but I think I understand those words now.

See to Bella, life, the world and everything in it is like a giant garden filled with the most wondrous flowers and creatures.  Everywhere she looks there is magic in it for her...something new to try, to experience, to feel.  And so her life is like a magical dance.  Bella very much loves this world and all that it is in it...   How should I word this...She wants loves too...she wants to feel the warm eyes of a man upon her but in the past this has meant missing the bloom of some exotic orchid...and thus it became a struggle for her.  The desire to be free to experience life and the pull of her heart to love another, to be with another and so to her love become a beautiful inconvenience.... I know you might want to say couldn't she experience those things with that person...and I would say that Bella in many ways needs to be wild...be free...to be true to herself...   Perhaps someday she might be able to share her dance completely with someone but as life so often does, it changes us. 

You see love can also bring pain...the type of pain which makes you sit in a room crying and takes all the joy out of living...it can dull even the most breathtaking of scenes because for a girl like Bella...she feels life and if her heart is in a million broken pieces then she is very much blind to life's joy...without her heart she cannot feel life and so all her happiness is gone...

To ask Bella to love you is like asking her to risk all that is precious to her...it is not an easy choice...

And so as man, wanting to love her...wanting her to love you the choice is not an easy one.  It requires a level of selflesness, confidence and faith.

You must first accept her as she is which means letting her dance free without trying to change her....accepting her smile will fall on others and will not just be for you....that there will be times when she needs to be alone to experience the world without you...and this hard because your scared she will dance away and find another..someone more interesting..someone in the same timezone who can hold her...and thus..

 you must have enough confidence to believe she will not forget you when she dances the world, wild and free...you must believe she will find her way back to you so she might dance for you again....and not find her way to someone else

and lastly enough faith to give this to her all of this and your heart...without asking for anything in return...a gesture..a big leap of faith..and believe it is enough....to believe I am enough that she would see this prince in front of her....to believe she would see me...

So in a way loving her enough means I must love myself enough to love her without need for reciprocation...a selfless type of love where I say....I would love you with all of my heart....I would be your prince, your poet, your king...now dance my dear..dance through this life, do not change...and then pray she finds her way back to me... she is very much the butterfly I must let be free and believe she will come back to me.. 

For me this is scary...because to believe she would chose me...to believe she would not forget me...to believe that she might see the beauty of my heart, she might see this knight and someday might decide to love me...to share her dance with me is asking me to forget all my doubts, fears and insecurties of the past.  It is asking me to risk having my heart broken into a million pieces...

The funny thing is...I have known since I first stared into those big beautiful brown eyes in a video of her without make up that I would risk it all with no hesitation to win the heart of this girl....I would risk a shattered heart...to know her love for just a moment in time...

And so the choice is easy....yes my Bella, dance, be free, feel life, be as you are and know I love you as you are...and would not change you...  My heart would be yours if you so desired it....I will not demand more of your time and just savor the moments you chose to share with me...I will no longer complain that you do not write enough....I will love myself enough to believe...and thus love you enough so I might accept you as you are....and if the wind...or life should bring you to me...if you should smile upon me and give me your hand...I will dance with you...even if it is for a moment because loving you means sharing you with the world...letting you experience it without shackles...

that is not to say I will not kiss you when we meet...I would steal a kiss so I might know that feeling once in my life...

I will take your hands in mine when we first meet..stare into your eyes and lift them around my neck, teasing the bottom of your arms with my hands.  Then with a gentle touch I will careless your cheek...lean in and whisper in your ear..letting my lips touch your ear lobe gently...your heart will flutter as I tell you that you are more beautiful than I thought possible...and then pulling you up towards me..my lips will be  against yours..softly yet will feel them shake...with a burning desire to have you completely..

But until that day in March as your knight I shall simply enjoy your dance from afar...treasure the times when your thoughts do fall to me...I will love you enough..my Bella...

And if your heart never falls to me...if you dance for another....I will be simply be happy for her and feel lucky that for awhile you danced for me...

I am a loser, nothing to do with confidence...more of a fact

I have no real friends or what you would call weekend friends.  I won't get married because my section wouldn't have any people.  You suffer from multiple depressive episodes when you are already a social outcast from what happened to you when you were a child and you would be the same way.   It is saturday at 9:36 pm...just the same as every saturday.  Nothing changes.  I am alone in my gannies house, drinking some wine, smoking some green.  It is the only life I have.  If I am able to work past my demons and do some work then it is a good day...if I can go without the green it is a good day. 

I need to stop this pattern but I never have been able to here in Edmonton, hell on earth.  Flat, brown and cold.  I am certain someday if I am famous I would get a whole bunch of angry edmontonians.  Like I give a fuck.  I hate it here.  Why should I lie?  Not everyone has to like there home city.  I don't buy into that bullshit.  Our crime is up...the weather is cold..the only good thing is we have less big bugs.. 

I have gone out on a Saturday night in so long...Friday night too.  Alone with this laptop I hate.  Maybe that is my problem.  Until I am able to find myself a little bit of a life...I will always feel this lonliness and be too much for a woman. 

People suprise you

Jasmine came online tonight from India.  Apparently she is there getting ready for the wedding.  Going to live there now.  His family is very rich for Indian standards.  She is done her degree so her visa is up.  She didn't want me to feel angry towards her.  She is my cleopatra and I am her slave boy.  what is with me...that I must live my love stories in the past.  Has life become this boring for me... It was really sweet of her.  she is happy...and it makes me cry to hear that.  I can still write to her...but she won't write back and won't read it... I could use her right now....her help...figure things out..she always cut right through my shit...make me feel better about myself.  I am just so use to people leaving...it still is hard when it is for good reasons.

Gonna miss her...

It isn't her fault..

If I made it seem like there is anything wrong with her...or she did something wrong then that would be inaccurate.  She is just trying to figure things out, figure her life out.

 In fact she has been wonderful in that she has talked about things that are difficult.  Jasmine never was able to do that...

This is me because when her and eye started to talk it was like I relaxed.  I felt a moment...like water washing over you...this feeling that I had met the girl I would spend the rest of my life with.  I remember watching this video she sent me with no make up and after I watched that I took a breath and said...ok I found the girl...finally..yes...yes...yes...yes...it was wonderful...she is wonderful...

The part that is hard, is when you meet someone that you connect with so deeply and then you find out they may not see you the same way.  That is why I feel so scared and terrified.  And I got to get past it.  I got to focus on being perfect...being so wonderful that she will say I cannot let this man go...

I just don't know how to stop my heart from holding me back...I don't know how to get rid of this emptiness inside...The problem is mine...and until I find a way I am going to hold back because my life would suck if I didn't know her..

Fuck off heart

It just fucken hurts...like there is this dull fn pain because it feels so uncertain...I just wanted to enjoy getting to know her but it got to big.  It become about love and relationship and ever after..I don't want any of those..  I just want to get to know this girl...this amazing girl....Why god...why...can't it just be easy...I hate  my heart..

Tremors of my heart

I am not a religious man....  Too much death, propaganda and indoctrination when it comes to religion.  That doesn't mean I don't believe in god...I am mostly just angry at him...  But today I wish I did believe because I could give this fear in my heart... I don't know what to do..  I don't know if what I am doing right.  Jasmine use to tell me I was being an idiot when I was being an idiot..  It was nice to have that type of bluntness from a friend.  I use to talk to Jasmine about Bella and she would help me get past my emotional rollarcoasterness... but Jasmine is gone..

Here is this girl who I would be happy with...super happy with.  I know this.  I like everything about her...but she might not like me.  And I got to prepare for friendship because I have said goodbye to so many girls who would of been amazing friends had I prepared for friendship.  I just don't want to be just friends...but I do not want to have that meeting when we are together when in tears she says she cannot do it. 

I should know better.  I shouldn't fall for anyone.  No..no..no..no..  breath....  This is my curse... I am cursed.  I don't want my heart.  I want to be able to not care.  I am not going to care.  How do people protect themselves?  How do you be safe? 

I got to lock away my heart cause I just don't want it to hurt her.  I want this to be fun for her.  Relaxing, not complicated, no drama..

I just want her to be happy and if that means I have to be her friend then I will do that.....Maybe that is what I have to do.  take some time...cry and then when I go to Malta I won't try to be more...

Insecure much: Just do the exact opposite..

Twice now Bella has sort of had panic attacks about me coming to see her.  She is worried she won't feel the same way in person which is also a fear, I feel.  She seems to want to tell me over and over again that she might not feel the magic or she does not want a relationship.  I find this very hard to handle to tell you the truth because I am usually the person panicking...  I don't really know what to tell her or say to her because of course I know that most relationships end and ours is more difficult than most. 

She isn't ready for a relationship...she isn't ready for love...all things I always ready know but this is not why I was going to Malta...it is because I just want to see if she is attracted to me.   I am not as good looking as I once was.  I am a few too many pounds on my stomach....

I want to look at Bella and say relax, you are making it impossible for me to relax and I so need to relax.  I know all the negatives..I know all the reasons this will not work.  I know you are fickle, I know you are aloof, I know you don't have time...I know...I know..

I just can't focus on them.  I need to focus on how it could work.  I need to think about ways I can make you smile Bella I want to say because if I focus on what could happen...how I could get my heart broken then the insecurity would take over...

Now I don't mind she brings it up because I do not want her to carry it but it is hard...I am afraid to write it in my blog because if she reads this she might think it is better not to tell him and that is worse....

It is just hard because I have to work real hard to keep things calm inside and not panic...I also hate how the little bit of time she gives me is spent talking about stuff we have no control over.  I want to know about her...which I never seem to get. 

So what I did...is I told her she was free...that the promise she gave me about not dating other people is off..  I will remain faithful to her but because she does not know...she has doubts...I do not want her to chose me because of some promise...I want her to chose me because she only wants me...I know this is nuts right..I panic just thinking about it...it is hard for me to believe she would chose me...but I don't think she is really attracted to me..I have been in relationships where the girl is attracted to my mind and not me physically...it hurts so bad...cause I see love as a very physical type thing...

I also told her that she did not have to text or email me because she felt obligated to..only when she wanted to...

And I told her I would not stay with her when I came to Malta but in a hotel to give her space because if I were to stay at her place she would feel the pressure to act like my gf which she is clearly not ready for.

I also told her I was coming to see her as a friend and if more happened great and that way she does not have to break my heart. 

She thinks she is scared..now I am terrified because for awhile there it was like..this was possible...she did something really sweet for me..took time to email me..but now she is back in school...focused on exams...and once again I have become an after thought.  I can't let her know it is hard because she would feel guilty and push me away...which I do not want.  I accept her as she is...I love who she is but it is still hard...you miss her...

I just feel so thirsty to know this girl...and yet I am unable to...I so hate romance...I want no part of it and yet I want it all...I ...

I have scared her away

Her words burned into my soul, piercing the hope...the dream that I had finally after searching all these years found the one...no she did not say those words..that it was not possible but the pull back..the high for her was gone and her heart being that of a butterfly..she...pulled away...only a little but enough that it is simply an indication of things to come.  She doesn't understand that for me such things always are an indication of the end.. so I did the last thing my heart wanted...I set her free...I removed all those promises we make to each other. I stood in a clearing, the grass was green, the air was sweet with the smells of summer.  The sounds of nature teasing the ears.  One last time I looked into those large brown eyes...the eyes I would love for eternity only if she could love me which at least at this time she cannot.  Too much of this world is unknown to her and so I face the curse of a butterfly. 

She changes back to her butterfly form and sits in my palm...her delicate legs touch my skin.  How easily I cold close my hand, put her in a jar and have her until she would escape.... that is what my insecurity tells me to do...to hold on, beg and plead for her love me...but I am older now...wiser or more foolish I do not know....

I lifted her in the air and watched her go, then I turned and walked the other way, keeping on a little of the hope that she might find her way back for me..only a little.  Where I stood if you look closely you would see the grass has been uprooted a little..a seem in the blanket of green.  If you dig deeper you would find in a small wooden box my heart...

It is time I move on past that dream, past that hope and focus on something more simple...romance...love...sex...are things I no longer want or desire...they are too much for me....It is not her fault or anything to do with her...

She was always too young, too free, to wild to ever have her eyes fall on me and stay there.  She was a pause...a moment when time stood still and I remembered...remembered a dream I once had.  She may be real..she may not be..it is not important anymore....

I do not want my heart, it has always been a curse to feel as deeply as I have...the fire burns so bright but my fire is always hotter..too hot..it overwhelms others and then I am left alone...I am tired of being alone with no friends..no one to simply talk to..

All I ever wanted from Jasmine was friendship and yet I ended up getting nothing because I dared to open my heart.  I could not bear the same thing to happen with Bella...my Elizabeth and so today as I create her bday present from objects from my life.....I know that my goal has changed...that I shall leave the dream of more buried with my heart and simply be her friends...Because I would not have my heart hurt her.

Falling in love drives me crazy... 08Jan09

would you kindly read this and the next link...

My Sweet princess...would you kindly read this and the next link...

I am  going to fall in love with this girl...even though we both already know her youth will cause her to break my heart...but I don't..because getting crushed by her into a million pieces...would still be better than being with anyone else...I would rather be sad over her than happy with another....but I get scared...Just for one moment I would like to be loved by her...just one true magical moment.  That would make life worth it I think.  That one piece of happiness with her would more powerful than a lifetime of pain..So I dance away the fear..

http:/www.youtube.com/nebogebo

so it doesn't make me insecure.  I want to be perfect for her...
her knight,
her poet,
her king,
her lover,
her ever after....

I want to travel the world and see it on her face...
she is magic...
the girl my heart has dreamed of for eternity. 

I feel as if she and I are a love story being told out again and again over time. 
We dance between the classics. 
Ron and Hermoine,
Psyche and Cupid,
Robert and Elizabeth,
Elizabeth and Heathcliffe,
Bella and Edward...
but it will end...
That is the price I pay..
what burns hottest burns quickest.     

But I still hope...
some nights I even believe..
that there could be that moment..
that moment in life when you just know...
cause sometimes I feel that with...
and it scares me...
I feel as if I am in some fairytale. 
I am her Shrek metaphorically speaking...
She is My princess...Fiona??
is that right... 
What would I give to be a real knight...
to have her my princes...
tears of joy even to know there is a small chance...
no I would not be a good knight...
I would make a better Wizard,
I would paint the stars her favorite colors so she might know
even when we are apart,
we share the same sky which means..
 we will alway be connected..
sometimes I can't...
 when I am not there to hold you in my arms as you sleep..
that it makes me sad...
like you find the possiblity...
what would you do if the girl of your dreams lived a million miles away...

Me...well I convinced my boss to garnish my wages, lend me $2000 to fly to malta to spend a week with her.  If things go well then I have two options.  Option A is the facebook application I am building is a success even though I have no help...expect my cute dogs and cats and my crazy mom takes off we don't go bankrupt... or I take the knowledge I have selling a little piece of software, add two more to the list, which....lol..I am a silly boy who once dreamed of taking on the oil compnies...but now I have found the real dream, the real desire of my heart...

She doesn't know it yet...she doesn't know how lucky she is.   I finally know how to love...  I understand what it means to love.  I am healing...getting closer to being that man..I feel like I am coming back to life and this time I know what I doing... she will live in the clouds because

http://www.gebalove.com/2009/01/i-am-gebadia-smith-and-this-will-be-my.html

And going to Malta is going to be the best moment of my life....I am so excited...if she is half he woman she seems....magic...she is magic

Insecure much: Always assuming the worst

The main causation of insecurity is trust or better said trust in one self.  When you trust you are worth it, trust you are deserving then it is easy to be with someone and not have that relationship affect your whole life.  When you don't it is hell because you assume that person you care about would naturally find anyone else besides you more interesting, better looking, funner, sexier without understanding they have already chosen you. 

 

I have been an insecure man...I am an insecure man but am getting better at dealing with those issues, finding releases and not letting my fears wreck the good things I have. That is not to say I don't have the fear. 

 

I think there will always be a part of me which will first assume the worst senario.  It is what an insecure person usually thinks.  IF they are late, they are fucking someone.  If they do not call it is because they are fucking someone.  If they do not call and let us know it is because they don't care about us.  There are million of these illogical type of thoughts that go through an insecure persons mind even though there are likely a million  perfectly plausible senarios which are totally innocent.  Yet for some reason we don't think of those reasons.  Nope...not the insecure person because if anything is off it must mean something horrible.  It is why as insecure men we try to control woman through guilt, through manipulation.  We justify it as us caring about their safetly or if they cared about us and it is just us trying to control someone because we are afraid...

 

It is a scary thing to give someone  the power to hurt you which is what love does.  We cling to this notion that there is one person for us and that if we can't have them...then our life is over...Take it from me there is always someone else...there is always a tomorrow..you can always survive...

 

I just work through it..say to myself it could be this or that...breath and give things time to present itself and 99/100 it is the innocent type thing, not the bad one.  Then if you do this enough you start to trust life, trust the other person...

 

When you get insecure...say for example they do not call when they say they will write down all the possible reasons.  Then look at which of those would be innocent type things and which of those would be them fucking someone else.  Then ask yourself if you have ever had those innocent type reasons happen.

 

Then make yourself assume an innocent reason.  Then see if that is what happened..

 

Random thoughts of Bella 08Jan09

As I go through a day I often have random thoughts about her...about life..and so I will create a post of those thoughts each day.

 

- She texted me a message thanking me for the teddybear, flowers and chocolates I sent her...I responded back, she responded to me and I responded back.  I always hate how I have to have the last word. 

 

-  I hate being tired like this...I can't sleep.  I can't relax right now..I feel so uneven inside.  I need to work past this uncertainty inside my heart.  I need to simply not care so much...I need to learn to let go of the fear, the doubt...this is why I hate dating because I never seem to enjoy it... 

 

- I emailed her telling her she ain't seen nothing yet..am getting to the point in a relationship where my insecurity kicks in..feeling like there is this massive hole in me... haave to fight it with all my being this time...not give in..

 

But that is what relationships are like...there are moments of panic..this one is far more difficult than most.    You have to force yourself to relax and not focus on the negative..

 

Not easy...I feel like a small fishing boat in a stormy night right now..still...I have to pretend I am ok...when in a way I am not. 

 

- I am feeling a little better I suppose...really tired. jealous of a teddy bear...it is wierd but I get more physical joy out of the thought of making love to her than 90% of the sex I have had...never made love to a girl..suppose I don't believe it will happen. 

I am Gebadia Smith and this will be my story...

I thought about things last night and I thought about how difficult this is going to be.  If you, Bella and I Gebadia manage to figure this out..to find a way to be together and it lasts, it will be one of the greatest love stories ever written.

You are incredibly busy.  You are trying to be a lawyer and than means working 18 hours a day..going hard and never having a enough time.  You can't really talk so much because of exams and loving you enough means giving you enough space and not making you feel guilty for that.

That is not easy my darling because the desire to have more burns hotter that the fires of hell.  I won't be able to wish you a happy b-day and that sucks.  In February I will be in the middle east and again Valentines day will come and I won't be able to be there for you, take you for a walk and watch the sunset with you, won't be able to look you in the eyes and tell you I am falling in love with you and that sucks...First week of March you are off on some retreat to try to build a relationship with your maker, the second week of March you are at some family retreat. 

For a moment in the 3rd week I get to fly to be with you which will be...  After that I am off to Florida. 

Not to mention during the same time frame I need to launch my Facebook application with no help, market it and turn a profit so I can pay back my ganny, move to Malta, to just and I mean just date you because I am not going to rush a moment with you.

Not to mention I have to keep this self proclaimed fickle girl walking on clouds....so you might say you don't need to Gebadia...you don't need to send me flowers.  Bella you know how I feel about you...and I don't have normal ways to make your heart sing...I don't have normal ways to make it seem like you are on a magic carpet ride.  Getting your attention and keeping it is so difficult... I need to be perfect..I need to be brilliant...I need to be so spectacular that you cannot help but fall head over hills for...I have never been one to be small Bella...I have always loved a challenge...you are my Everest and I know your going to panic when you read this....

Here is what you don't know...Not only do I have to win your heart from afar while missing moments no man should ever have to miss and no girl should ever have her man miss.  Not only do I have to be your wings when I cannot hold you. Not only do I have to face every single demon I have ever had.  A past when at 13teen my bestfriend stole my innocence.  A church that would guilt a child into believing he would go to hell.. Not only do I have to defeat this depression which has claimed my soul 3 times leaving me sitting with blood dripping down my chest...this dance I have with the sadness of the world because I feel it all.  Not only do I have to defeat this loneliness which will foever plague my soul...

I have to do it all alone because the only person who might understand my pain, who might care about it, I can never let see it because it would pull at her heart, it would pull at my Bella's heart..and i will not have her feel a moment of pain because of me...

I must do this all knowing the chances are 99999999/100000000 that you if you find another, that you will grow bored...that I will have to look into your eyes, throw away my heart and settle at being your friend...

And Bella I have to do this and say DON"t EVER try to love me...hold back..avoid it until it explodes from your chest...I have to say avoid loving me with everything you have because I do not want you out of obligation at the inferno I walk through to love you...I do not want you because you feel you must because I have slayed a 1000 dragons and carried all your pain...I do not want you because those around you stare at awe this man who would walk through hell for your love...

The only way I would have you is if you would do the same for me...if the love would burst forth from your chest and give you wings to fly in the heavens with me..

Until then enjoy my brilliant my princess because I intend to make every man pale in comparison to me...I intend to show the world the brilliance of love...I intent to be your Lancelot..your Ron, your Robert, your "as you wish", your poet, your fairytale but most of all I intend to be your Gebadia Smith...

I don't give a fuck if I get hurt...I am done letting the fear of pain dictate my life...I am going to live...and if you are smart you will bask in this...you will enjoy every second because I am never boring...and you will never find another man like me and this type of love occurs only once in a lifetime...once in a 1000 lifetimes...

I am a maniac baby 6jan08

Anguish in my soul

Today it is hard...harder than most because my mind is tired.  The mental walls I put around my heart have fallen and I feel raw.  This is the part of finding love I do not like...the strengh of my heart, the depth of how I feel becomes at times so physical I have to force myself to not to let it overcome me.  To let it hold me down.  Each girl I date, each girl I am with, each girl my heart desires seems to teach me some lesson I need to learn to find the one...if such a thing exists..because each lesson I learn is another moment of sadnes...another tear falling down my face... I am tired of lessons, I am tired of learning and just want the one...I just want someone to kiss at night, someone to talk to as friends, to share long walks with, a friend...one...I am sorry but there are no more words in me right now...

 

I must sleep and put the walls around my heart, hide it away because this is the least favorite part of me...

Waking up and finding the sun has gone out..

I can't sleep anymore.  Everyday is like Christmas for me.  I am that boy who cannot sleep and wakes up every hour to see if it is time yet.  Truth is I am so excited to get an email from my darling Bella I find myself waking up hoping it is early enough in the morning where she will have written me.  It is hard with my darling Bella for me...because she is so busy I have to be content with moments when I wouldn't be satisfied with eternity.  I suppose that is the curse of feeling deeply..no matter how much you have you will always want more.  But I like that she has this whole other life.  Why should such a wonderful smile be mine and mine alone?  She has friends and family who love her... They are more important than me..they are her rock..her support...I would never ask her to give that up for me...I am the candy :)

 

I want to find that trust where I can live my own life and she can live hers without worrying.  To do that I must find faith in me, I must believe in myself.  It really has little to do with her and everything to do with me. 

 

I sent her a small gift again..because she is so far away and yesterday was hard on me.  She is 20 and so as is the case with those so young you have to deal with the fickle nature of a young soul.  As a guy you have to stand strong and be the calming force.  She was afraid she would hurt me because she could not give me an ever after promise.  She was afraid she would break my heart or not be able to love me back like there can ever be such a promise of that.  50% of all marriage fails...most love fails because it is hard, because we change as we live and life can bring us apart.  Ours is harder because of this distance...

 

We worked things through by I still feel the effects of her moment of panic deep inside.  It is hard for me to trust, harder for me to trust life.  I feel like the uneasy waves after a storm..I am looking around trying to put things back in place...but that is the curse of romance I suppose...it is always a house built upon a frozen lake that could crack at any moment.

 

Yesterday there was a crack, I sprayed water on it but it will take time to freeze.  Plus she is so busy...but it is ok...it is still worth the risk..it would always be worth the risk...life is never easy and I would weather any storm so she might feel calm inside her heart...I can handle this...I am stronger now than before... I will carry all her worry, her pain, her doubt, her insecurity in my heart so she does not have to feel that. 

 

I have just as many doubts as she does.  My fears are just as strong..I know this is impossible that a million little things have to happen for this to even be possible.  Not that I care because I like the long shot..I have always been a longshot.

 

Even if we are to meet, to kiss, to find magic I have to find a way to be near her for that to grow into something real.  I cannot bear the thought of her being unhappy or sad for a moment.  I would rather have a broken heart, that see her unhappy.  Never felt that way about a girl before...

Never felt a lot of things I felt before....I wonder what the future holds for us...not that I would know because even if nothing more were to happen I would treasure every second with this girl...

 

 

How to act in a Facebook feed...

Today I had an interesting situation.  My friend or ex-friend kitty..made a comment in public about me posting too much on her facebook feed.  She has been away on xmas holidays..I work with her, we have hung before as friends.  There is no attraction there.  None which is odd because some guys find her very attractive.  I like more the hot super smart nerdy girls.  The posts I made were short little jokes, nothing serious, just the normal stuff friends leave on her profile.  I just observed what some other people do on friends profile and assumed that was normal. 

She knows I am not interested in her..I know she is not interested, we have well defined boundaries.   See the problem is I am different.  I am not normal and for kitty that is a problem.  She needs people to fit into her narrow view of things and if they don't eww...It is sad..to me..very shallow..but she was a friend, I accept her ass she was,,warts and all... 

I just was so happy this holidays because Bella and I found eachother.  I have never been this happy before.  Katie knows the story of Bella..the real one and Jasmine so I thought she would be happy to talk to me...I assumed because we were friends she would be happy to talk to me..I was wrong..So I sent Kitty an email.  I said I can't know you anymore.  Your words hurt me...

She should of emailed me privately but Kitty doesn't really understand how the things she says can really hurt a persons feelings. 

I made the mistake of assuming a work friendship could become a real one...

A little yoga dancing... 04jan09

insecure much: text message role play

The thing about Bella and I being so far away is we have to find unique ways to share how we feel...We often relate eachother to historical couples in love...Lancelot and Gwenevere...bella and Edward...hermoine and ron...heathcliff and elizabeth...today Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Barrett (not a typo..it is Barrett Barrett)

The thing is I didn't know about the last one or maybe I did but my insecurity won over and it makes me mad...

See every night I send her a text message saying something sweet so Bella knows she is in my thoughts... I think it is important to find small ways to show people you care...we live in this huge world where often we find love in all corners and we don't always have time to spend on the phone or online talking...

So anyways to make short story longer...I texted her.  She texted me back saying "goodnight robert."   To be blunt everytime she uses another name it takes me awhile to clue in.  when she called me ron..my first reaction was "who the heck is ron"  It was the same thing this time...I was like who is robert...does she know this is Gebadia...after about 30 seconds I decided she knew it was me and so I responded "goodnight Elizabeth."   Then my insecurity kicked in and I listened...I sent her a message saying do you know it is Graham...which of course she did...and she told me such...

Now I am mad at myself...not a big mad but I really hate being insecure or having doubts...it simply will not do...

the funny thing about being insecure is you chose the worst possible senario...and by doing that you are not trusting the person you are with...so today I am dispointed in myself...

The fear or fatal flaw of falling in love with a girl you met online..

Over the past 3 months or 2 months or month..I can't keep track I have been engaged in what I call a Facebook romance...  There was this girl..is this girl who I call Bella who I met in a group a long time ago and never thought much of it.  A FBfriend which we all have...we add them and never think twice about it...mostly just one more person to add to our feed...to keep us entertained at work..

Bella was like that occasionally posting pictures and stories about her life..most I skipped past never paying much attention to anything...but then one day she posted a picture that gave me pause...I emailed her and in many ways have found the girl of my dreams in my facebook feed.

Now you might be thinking where is the flaw in that...well for the uneducated, the skeptical or the down right stupid you might jump to the conclusions that she or I could be an axe murderer...because we met online...and you would be media indoctrinated drones..  A lot of us love to simply believe what we see in the media without have enough brain cells left in our brain to realize the media reports on stories out of the norm...if it was normal that everyone you meet online was an axe muderer it wouldn't be news would it?  

I suspect there are just as many murders, rapes, abductions from people who meet in normal circumstances than those who meet online. 

Not to mention that if you build structures like Facebook which are built around interaction then why is it so hard for people to believe real emotions could be forged from those interactions...Why is it so far fetched to believe that in many ways you get a better understanding of a person from a Facebook profile than you would from a person in real life...Often you can tell a great deal about a person from what their friends say....It is easy to lie and put on masks yourself but the way friends respond to you...the things they say can be very indicative of the person...

So no that is not the flaw..not Facebook...not even this distance. 

The flaw my friends is expectations...see the problem with meeting online...only talking on the phone is that we build up an image of a person...make them seem perfect because we never see there flaws...and then when we meet..they cannot live up to such expectations and we are dispointed to find out they are human...

I am sorry...I feel like I have lost the inspiration..I am a moment of insecurity with my darling Bella...and I must never have a moment of insecurity again...I will not let you rule me you broken heart of mine...

That is right Gebadia...kick its ass..we will not fuck this up for foolish reasons...arggg..it burns...baby..

When the madness takes over... 03jan09

I am Knight without a foe

Bella...I so hate to call her that now because her true name...the one I shall not share dances in my heart and is more spectacular than any made up one or borrowed one from some fairytale.  I am tired of love in movies, in books..in dreams.  Before I met her it was enough I suppose to close my eyes and dream of some pretend romance won by some heroic deed..not now...such things pale before this girl..this woman whose heart I seek to hold within my own and have mine in hers...it too feels like a dream...but it feels like it could be real..in two months she will see me and I will see her..

I am frightened because so much is uncertain.. I will have had to guess right when it comes to this Facebook app I am building which I have grown to hate...not the app itself because it does have some uses but the fact I feel stuck to this internet..this life which eased my lonliness once..I wish I had taken pause before I started to think things through...ahh..and the choice would of been the same..I hate my job.. I have a natural apptitude towards sales, towards communication even though I fear people..still I am able to carry a conversation quite easy...I just wish I worked for someone who could guide me and teach me..a leader, not a tirant..

Truth is I have always felt like a misplaced soul in this world...or at least here in Edmonton, AB which I would liken to hell on earth..

I have always been a physical man...I use to be muscular...use to be but cannot seem to find the fire in me to lose this fat I have on me..When sports ceased to be a reality for me some part of me rebeled.  A joy was lost, a man on man competition where it was about the will, the fire inside you to see who could endure more pain.. I liken pain to winning in sports.  The teams that are willing to hurt more often win over those who are not..it is why the most talented team does not always win..When that trill, that desire was taken from me..Gebo left me..Gebo is the part of me which is the fire.This world holds little for him...

I miss being a part of a team...working together...focused on one goal...and so alone I sit in this house a prison..

I fear bella will see this unhappiness in me and want no part of it.  It is why I can never ask her to come here to be here to see me here....I hate myself here..I hate everything that is here as I sit in my room covered in tin because it is so cold that the heat does not penitrated my dungeon.

I don't want Bella to know that in many ways she one of the few moments of happiness I have in my life, that the reason I do not want to talk about me is because I want to be better, I want to feel more joy..I do not want her to care for me, see my unhappiness and have it effect her....Not her...she is not allowed to see this pain or have it affect or effect her...knowing she is off smiling, living life, dancing with friends..it makes me happy to think of her like that...I can carry this pain..this sadness a little longer until I can find a way to escape..she helps me by simply reminding me there is a better life..another option and that hope it heals me.

Tonight I flushed away the green...I did not drink because I want to be whole..I don't want the clouds upon my brain so when me might talk I am all there so I might absorbe each of her words with full wit and wonder.  she is not like other girls in that she is easily as smart as me and my token knowledge will not be enough..she would see through it.  She is easily my equal..and when you meet the girl of your dreams...you want to be the man of her dreams right back..

I am scared though..what if it is not possible..what if it is too much distance..ahhh I will not allow myself to think that...love with find a way...it must because her I will love in a way they will write about to years to come....yes..it will be a love story for the ages...

The girl of my dreams said yes

I plan on being too sexy in the new year 02jan08

What would you do if the girl of your dreams was 2000 miles away?

I live in Edmonton, AB Canada...After working hard for 2 months I finally convinced the girl of my dreams...the girl who I have been waiting for my whole life to umm..something with me...she basically agreed to give me a chance...and not to give any other guy a chance...

It is like this big breath of fresh air...and the cool thing is when she writes to me now I feel as if my heart is going to explode..I feel myself wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her...falling completely and totally with her...I want to say the most illogical things to this girl I have never met.  I want to tell her than I am going to marry her..I don't...maybe I should I don't know...I just don't trust my heart anymore...I don't want to scare her and I don't want to say anything like that until I get to look into her eyes, until her lips are on mine...I want her to never doubt the raging fire in my heart for her...I want her to see it, feel it and hear it when I say Jataime monomy...lol poorly spelled french but I think it means Je t'aime mon chéri...I actually now have the desire to learn multiple languages just so I can tell her I love her in every language...but I am not certain yet..well yah I am but love and inlove are different things and when a guy says to a girl he loves her it means I am inlove with you and that is a gift from god which can`t be created online..

The problem for me is trying to find the time to see her and do so in a way where I don`t go broke...now only one person has donated anything in the chipin so that is not working so here goes...

If you are in Europe and you need a sales person...an internet marketer...someone who has wild outside the box ideas...someone who has traveled the word selling computer software to multiple industries please email me... I don`t care where in Europe, as long as it is in Europe...I need to find a way to be close to this girl...I will not let this distance stop me from being with the girl of my dreams...

Please...I would give anyone who could give me a fulltime job in Malta...who could pay me $80 000 US a year to do that job 10% ownership in the app I am building.  IF they would take over the development aspects of my app I would only need $50 000 a year and would give them 20% of my app...lol dreams..maybe I am asking for too much...maybe I should say please $2 in chip through paypal...if 1000 people gave $2 then I might be able to go see her for her bday...I missed my New Years kiss with her...

Yes I am begging...you would beg to if you ever laid eyes upon this girl...she is what heaven would be like...I love her I think...I am falling inlove with her or will fall instantly the moment I look into her beautiful eyes....

Been awhile since I wrote

So it is new years and I everyone has these resolutions.  Mine is to stop the green,stop drinking, face my demons...oh yah...dance like an idiot on youtube..  This year started good and bad.  Bad in a way because Jasmine sends me a dear john letter saying she is going to try to make her arranged marriage work..blah...blah..blah..and can't be friends....I was sad for a bit, actually shed a tear...thought about telling her future husband everything and 5 years ago when I was an insecure little man I would of, I would of at least texted her or called her...or posted some sort of message on her FB...it is what insecure men do when rejected.  We hang on tighter...we justify it as fighting for someone and end up pushing them away...

I am so glad things are different.  This time when staring down at the cliffs of insanity...I remembered I don't have to be an insane idiot.  It is right for her to try to make it work with him because she cannot make things work with me anymore.  There was a time when I would of married her, loved her even with her flaws for eternity...but that time is past...and now my heart wants Bella...even though Bella scares me.

See when it comes to Bella you never are sure what she is thinking or feeling.  There are moments where you are certain she loves you and others when it appears as if she does not know you exist.  I don't pretend to even have a clue what this thing I have with her is... 

I have come to the conclusion with her I am not even going to try to worry or think anymore.. Either she will love me or she will not...

how not to cure a hangover happy new years 01jan09