Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Lock me away from technology
I often think their should be some type of hotel prison with lots of games and groups and sports but no outside communication. Sometimes I think in heartbreak people need a place like that. Lots of hookers, yes lots of hookers. Vegas retreats.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Hot girls
There is always a magic combination of words or actions to get the hot girl to notice you. I must pause because my demons.. Ahhhh I feel as if in this moments I am a man reaching, fighting forth from a sea of demons. Arms that pull and claw me back unable to let me dance free... I scream.
I must breath. I must let go.. Clench my teeth and bear the pain..
I cannot write about hot girls. I need to just breath. I need a drink.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
It is funny remembering who you were..
I feel the extra 20 pounds on me as I sit here in this little escape they have at the citadel, wondering if I am destined to a morning of toilets after a greesy breakfast which as soon as I saw them make I knew I should run. Maybe it was the vodka.. I don't know.. I remeber this bench, I remember kissing a girl softly on it..I often wish I could go back to that boy and tell him not to worry so much. Tell him to enjoy life, embrace it with a sheer joy.. But I know I can't, I know that words rarely change us, only living through the pain do we know. I still miss that boy. I try to find my way back to him. Maybe 10 pounds in 2 weeks.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Saturday, February 21, 2009
7...oops "caged with a vampire"
I was sad when the darkness started to clear and I could see through hazy eyes I was still a part of the living.. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. All I could see were these two red cat like eyes from across the cage. At least that is what it looked like. My heart started beating faster as I pushed myself as far away as possible from those eyes. There was a hiss, like a cat... this was not looking good I decided as I was trapped in a cage with a red eyed hisser... a cat with demonic eyes.
I nearly peed myself when the cat spoke... "You got us caught idiot"
I was in love... it was like time stopped in that moment as my eyes became accomstom to the darkness and before me stood the girl from jerod's story.. the girl who stood above me when I hung from the Vedetta wall, well without the red eyes.
"Nothing to say" she spoke again...
"I was trying to help you" I mumbled... thinking quickly... "but surely you have a husband or bf to come rescue you?"
"You are trapped in a cage in the middle of know where and you want to know if I am single, what are you trying to do, ask me out on a date?" she teased giving me a strange look.. My heart skipped another beat... I could barely breath, lost in her beauty.
Feeling very flushed and not being very good with girls.... "I am a care taker of the dead, what do you do?" not my best line but with this girl I had no best lines.
"Now that is small talk... hey I play with dead people, what do you do, You are really bad at this aren't you. " She laughed..
"I use to be good but ever since Asha... " I tried to speak before she started to laugh...
"Now you are bringing up your ex-girlfriend... nice.. you are a ladies man aren't you care taker? please stop you are simply too funny and as I mentioned you are trapped and I am deciding whether to eat you or save you...so maybe save the sweet talk for me letting you live... You don't want me...I am a fickle girl who grows bored to easily for any one men.. give me a dozen and maybe one will live a week. I eat men who bore me.. and I am feeling full of the dark ones which have the most yummy of blood so I am giving you a chance to tonight... any other night and you would be on my lips.."
"Thanks I guess... but where are we and can I see you again if we get out of here" I mumbled.
"I tell you that I will eat you alive if I see you again and you want to see me?" she looked at me with those odd eyes like I was an idiot...
"At least give your name so I might write to you... would you let me write to you?" I asked again.
"Do you even know how to write caretaker..?... you are persistant and in a way it is cute. You are facing death and all you can think about is keeping in touch with me." She said in a soft voice...
"It is gebadia and no I do not but my friend does and he can teach me.." I replied hopeful and nevous at the same time..
"And why might I ask do you want to write to me..?" playing along even though I could see she was already growing bored..
"I know I am nobody... I walk among the dead and likely smell like them too. When I die who will miss me, who will know I am gone?... It is strange with you but time seems to slow.. I don't know what that means except to say I know I need to know you. I don't know why except to say right now my heart feels as if it will leap from my body and into yours... does any of this make sense... Maybe you grow bored and eat me... but at least you might remember me and maybe that is why I am doing this..." I spoke surprising myself with my honesty...
With a chuckle she reachesd her hand out, I take it and even though it is cold I feel electicity surge from our touch.
"You may write, I may even write back I suppose, if I read what you write." My name is Elizabeth, but you can call me Liz, and it is princess.... Just follow the path of the moon to the west and you will be back in your tree house in 2 days. Your friend is quite worried...."
"How..." I was about to speak...
"Stop with the questions... I am bored..." she interuppted me as if she could hear the words before I even spoke them...
Then she was gone in a flash. I looked around and saw 3 of the dark ones dead with bites in there necks.. she ate people, what was she... I needed to learn to write....
I nearly peed myself when the cat spoke... "You got us caught idiot"
I was in love... it was like time stopped in that moment as my eyes became accomstom to the darkness and before me stood the girl from jerod's story.. the girl who stood above me when I hung from the Vedetta wall, well without the red eyes.
"Nothing to say" she spoke again...
"I was trying to help you" I mumbled... thinking quickly... "but surely you have a husband or bf to come rescue you?"
"You are trapped in a cage in the middle of know where and you want to know if I am single, what are you trying to do, ask me out on a date?" she teased giving me a strange look.. My heart skipped another beat... I could barely breath, lost in her beauty.
Feeling very flushed and not being very good with girls.... "I am a care taker of the dead, what do you do?" not my best line but with this girl I had no best lines.
"Now that is small talk... hey I play with dead people, what do you do, You are really bad at this aren't you. " She laughed..
"I use to be good but ever since Asha... " I tried to speak before she started to laugh...
"Now you are bringing up your ex-girlfriend... nice.. you are a ladies man aren't you care taker? please stop you are simply too funny and as I mentioned you are trapped and I am deciding whether to eat you or save you...so maybe save the sweet talk for me letting you live... You don't want me...I am a fickle girl who grows bored to easily for any one men.. give me a dozen and maybe one will live a week. I eat men who bore me.. and I am feeling full of the dark ones which have the most yummy of blood so I am giving you a chance to tonight... any other night and you would be on my lips.."
"Thanks I guess... but where are we and can I see you again if we get out of here" I mumbled.
"I tell you that I will eat you alive if I see you again and you want to see me?" she looked at me with those odd eyes like I was an idiot...
"At least give your name so I might write to you... would you let me write to you?" I asked again.
"Do you even know how to write caretaker..?... you are persistant and in a way it is cute. You are facing death and all you can think about is keeping in touch with me." She said in a soft voice...
"It is gebadia and no I do not but my friend does and he can teach me.." I replied hopeful and nevous at the same time..
"And why might I ask do you want to write to me..?" playing along even though I could see she was already growing bored..
"I know I am nobody... I walk among the dead and likely smell like them too. When I die who will miss me, who will know I am gone?... It is strange with you but time seems to slow.. I don't know what that means except to say I know I need to know you. I don't know why except to say right now my heart feels as if it will leap from my body and into yours... does any of this make sense... Maybe you grow bored and eat me... but at least you might remember me and maybe that is why I am doing this..." I spoke surprising myself with my honesty...
With a chuckle she reachesd her hand out, I take it and even though it is cold I feel electicity surge from our touch.
"You may write, I may even write back I suppose, if I read what you write." My name is Elizabeth, but you can call me Liz, and it is princess.... Just follow the path of the moon to the west and you will be back in your tree house in 2 days. Your friend is quite worried...."
"How..." I was about to speak...
"Stop with the questions... I am bored..." she interuppted me as if she could hear the words before I even spoke them...
Then she was gone in a flash. I looked around and saw 3 of the dark ones dead with bites in there necks.. she ate people, what was she... I needed to learn to write....
8. Lost in the madness of love...Jasmine and liz...
If I could describe the walk back to my castle I would be lying. I was only a little aware of my surroundings which maybe wasn't the wisest of things considering I was walking through the wild lands and any number of beasts could of seen me as a snack. I was lost in lala land...time stood still for this girl... or whatever she was. Sure she apparently would eat me.. who cares.. I thought to myself, if one were going to get eaten it would be better to be eaten by a hot girl than some animal I suppose..
I was dancing in the clouds imagining how I would woo her with roses... if I knew where I could afford to buy them or what a rose was. I had only heard of knights talk of them and apparently you give them to girls you like... I had a little saved. They had this stuff called chocolate in town. Maybe I could convince someone to go and buy me some. they wouldn't let a care taker into that part of town because of how we smelled bad..
I would have to learn to write. I wonder how hard that is and how does one write poetry. Jerod would know.. he always knew of such things. Would he teach me or would he be mad.. who cared... it was nice to dream again, to fill some asembalance to the living. I would not make the same mistakes again. I would not cheat on this girl. Not that she was mine... I would show her I cared for her and treat her like a princess. how does one treat a princess I wondered. Would you treat a princess like a princess I wonder if you wanted to impress her? What did the other guys do to win her heart...
I didn't have any food on me so I didn't get to eat anything along the way when I made fire the first night. Jerod had taught me how to make a fire using a rock, some sticks and a little friction. I was good with my hands and I suppose I could of found something to eat had I tried. Truth is I just wanted to lay my head upon the ground, star into the heavens and thing of her, this liz who was a princess. Were all princesses like her. With red eyes who drank peoples blood. Who could move super quick and have fengs and red eyes?
When I finally made it back, Jerod listened patiently without saying a word until my tale was finished. He dug around in his little cubby hole and pulled out fire water which was something we rarely drank because of how the mornings were. The nights became rowdy, the mornings became painful. He poured me an unusually big glass and said tonight I will tell you about a ducktaped heart.
"You see I have lived many lives, some good, some bad." he said in his raspy old voice that always sounded so wise... "In different worlds and in different times. The year was 2020 you see... it was a cold winter and she was the only bit of light in it. I met this girl on... lets just say we could talk through a magic mirrior and talk we did, well not really talk, lets say we could write on this magic mirrior and have the other person see it. Like you writing letters to this liz girl. What if you could write letters from here? Don't look confused.... not important I suppose how we met or how we talked. Time stood still for that girl.. at least it did for me. For her I was interesting for awhile like all boys in her life... something fun to have around but not someone she could love. I tried everything to win that girl, well anything he.. her boyfriend could not see but what I gave her, the passion, the fire upon her naked body..for moments it seemed to work.. problem was she never could love me.. I was too easy... too simple.. the poet never gets the maiden, the maiden always choses the illusive merchant who can provide a more stable safe life... the maiden always choses stability over the romantic whims of the wild bard who would sing her to sleep each night...
And so my maiden she chose another... she chose many others and never chose me... I tried to be her friend.. to make her smile in hopes one day she would see me, really see me. She would walk over, put her hands upon my face, look into my eyes which were full of love and pain for her, and pull me closure for a kiss... but alas.. life is not one for fairytales and each day she did not do that my heart borke a little more and more. Shoot it was broken already... stuck togheter with duck tape which is this super strong sticky stuff.
See Gebadia love is a wonderful thing... it is also the most dangerous thing you will ever face. I see it when I look at you, I see it in your eyes, your heart is full of cracks and let me tell you this liz girl will devastate you in a way you cannot hill.
If you win her heart your life will be one they sing of in the inns of old... if you do not you will never be whole again... shattered beyond repair. a king who became a care taker of the dead who drinks too much... Gebadia we are broken men you and I. We don't talk about it because it is in our eyes. girls like this liz do not chose men like us. They play with us, they tease us, they string us along for there amusment... they just don't love us because we can be had and how hearts make that obvioous. We cannot play the game of cat and mouse they deny they want us to play. Without a challenge the love is not earned on their part and thus means nothing...
I tell you now Liz will find you interesting for moments.. she will even let you fawn over her... she might even share a kiss or a night with you... but alas my dear boy she will leave you crushed beyound repair. Lost in the dark places of the mind you will become as black as the dark ones soul... darker than the googolians... no I am not scared to say there name because like you I long for their lips to take the life from me...
That is what she is your Liz... you see rumor or legend has it long ago the dark ones broke into the palace and turned one of the kings daughter. Turning does not make a person evil... we are born good or evil. The old king could not bare to kill his only daughter so he decreed she would be the princess of Vadetta for eternity.. a daughter born to all kings and so it has been since any of us who can remember....
but alas Gebadia don't listen to me.. to this old man who has been dancing through worlds and time searching for his liz... to find the girl who time stops for who will love him... All girls dance too and fro I suppose... I make love sound harsh when it is me who was never enough... it was me who would ask too much of these girls.... how can I deny your request to help you at least try... and my liz her name was jasmine and she had a boyfriend a knight who she loved... or so she said even when she shared her bed with me...."
Jerod looked old suddenly...and a tear tinkled down his eye... "I remember the last night we were together...she hugged me... I was distracted... lost in my madness... she was suppose to see me again.... she never showed... I suppose you could say I have been looking for her since that day 30 years ago... looking for my Jasmine. We use to pretend she was cleopatra... and I her slave boy. How I devoured her..." and then his voice faded as his eyes looked to the heavens...
I took another long drink and we were both lost, he with his Jasmine and me with my Liz...
I was dancing in the clouds imagining how I would woo her with roses... if I knew where I could afford to buy them or what a rose was. I had only heard of knights talk of them and apparently you give them to girls you like... I had a little saved. They had this stuff called chocolate in town. Maybe I could convince someone to go and buy me some. they wouldn't let a care taker into that part of town because of how we smelled bad..
I would have to learn to write. I wonder how hard that is and how does one write poetry. Jerod would know.. he always knew of such things. Would he teach me or would he be mad.. who cared... it was nice to dream again, to fill some asembalance to the living. I would not make the same mistakes again. I would not cheat on this girl. Not that she was mine... I would show her I cared for her and treat her like a princess. how does one treat a princess I wondered. Would you treat a princess like a princess I wonder if you wanted to impress her? What did the other guys do to win her heart...
I didn't have any food on me so I didn't get to eat anything along the way when I made fire the first night. Jerod had taught me how to make a fire using a rock, some sticks and a little friction. I was good with my hands and I suppose I could of found something to eat had I tried. Truth is I just wanted to lay my head upon the ground, star into the heavens and thing of her, this liz who was a princess. Were all princesses like her. With red eyes who drank peoples blood. Who could move super quick and have fengs and red eyes?
When I finally made it back, Jerod listened patiently without saying a word until my tale was finished. He dug around in his little cubby hole and pulled out fire water which was something we rarely drank because of how the mornings were. The nights became rowdy, the mornings became painful. He poured me an unusually big glass and said tonight I will tell you about a ducktaped heart.
"You see I have lived many lives, some good, some bad." he said in his raspy old voice that always sounded so wise... "In different worlds and in different times. The year was 2020 you see... it was a cold winter and she was the only bit of light in it. I met this girl on... lets just say we could talk through a magic mirrior and talk we did, well not really talk, lets say we could write on this magic mirrior and have the other person see it. Like you writing letters to this liz girl. What if you could write letters from here? Don't look confused.... not important I suppose how we met or how we talked. Time stood still for that girl.. at least it did for me. For her I was interesting for awhile like all boys in her life... something fun to have around but not someone she could love. I tried everything to win that girl, well anything he.. her boyfriend could not see but what I gave her, the passion, the fire upon her naked body..for moments it seemed to work.. problem was she never could love me.. I was too easy... too simple.. the poet never gets the maiden, the maiden always choses the illusive merchant who can provide a more stable safe life... the maiden always choses stability over the romantic whims of the wild bard who would sing her to sleep each night...
And so my maiden she chose another... she chose many others and never chose me... I tried to be her friend.. to make her smile in hopes one day she would see me, really see me. She would walk over, put her hands upon my face, look into my eyes which were full of love and pain for her, and pull me closure for a kiss... but alas.. life is not one for fairytales and each day she did not do that my heart borke a little more and more. Shoot it was broken already... stuck togheter with duck tape which is this super strong sticky stuff.
See Gebadia love is a wonderful thing... it is also the most dangerous thing you will ever face. I see it when I look at you, I see it in your eyes, your heart is full of cracks and let me tell you this liz girl will devastate you in a way you cannot hill.
If you win her heart your life will be one they sing of in the inns of old... if you do not you will never be whole again... shattered beyond repair. a king who became a care taker of the dead who drinks too much... Gebadia we are broken men you and I. We don't talk about it because it is in our eyes. girls like this liz do not chose men like us. They play with us, they tease us, they string us along for there amusment... they just don't love us because we can be had and how hearts make that obvioous. We cannot play the game of cat and mouse they deny they want us to play. Without a challenge the love is not earned on their part and thus means nothing...
I tell you now Liz will find you interesting for moments.. she will even let you fawn over her... she might even share a kiss or a night with you... but alas my dear boy she will leave you crushed beyound repair. Lost in the dark places of the mind you will become as black as the dark ones soul... darker than the googolians... no I am not scared to say there name because like you I long for their lips to take the life from me...
That is what she is your Liz... you see rumor or legend has it long ago the dark ones broke into the palace and turned one of the kings daughter. Turning does not make a person evil... we are born good or evil. The old king could not bare to kill his only daughter so he decreed she would be the princess of Vadetta for eternity.. a daughter born to all kings and so it has been since any of us who can remember....
but alas Gebadia don't listen to me.. to this old man who has been dancing through worlds and time searching for his liz... to find the girl who time stops for who will love him... All girls dance too and fro I suppose... I make love sound harsh when it is me who was never enough... it was me who would ask too much of these girls.... how can I deny your request to help you at least try... and my liz her name was jasmine and she had a boyfriend a knight who she loved... or so she said even when she shared her bed with me...."
Jerod looked old suddenly...and a tear tinkled down his eye... "I remember the last night we were together...she hugged me... I was distracted... lost in my madness... she was suppose to see me again.... she never showed... I suppose you could say I have been looking for her since that day 30 years ago... looking for my Jasmine. We use to pretend she was cleopatra... and I her slave boy. How I devoured her..." and then his voice faded as his eyes looked to the heavens...
I took another long drink and we were both lost, he with his Jasmine and me with my Liz...
I have lost her
She is to busy for me. I wait each day for the crystal email where she says gebadia your a great guy but... I always get the but amd never the love..
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
6. Home among the dead
The battle has ended. Another victory if you can call it that. The knights that return hold no smiles as there numbers were weakened. You can see the loss in there eyes as they look around expecting to see a comrade and find none... they await for me as it is my turn now. I am going to home or at least the one place I find comfort, among the dead...
One soilder stops and says to me "how can you walk among the dead like you do?" I try to smile... my lips do not know how to smile right now... I mumble.. I am dead inside so I am at home with them, we the care takers live between the living and the dead... we bring them to Palator.." He smiles at this thought...and keeps on walking...
It is night now, we work throught the night.. there is a lot of dead... I can still see their faces through the darkness... I wish it was me looking up at me... Jerod says it is time to go, to let the night shift work but I stay.. he understands this is the only place where it is peaceful for me... We don't finish till morning and I stay to watch the last of the bodies burn... I do not say a prayer for I know the clerics have blessed the men who have fallen... I instead stare into it wishing it was me who burned in the flames..
When the last embers burn I feel Jerod's arm on my shoulder and I know it is time to go... he hands me my pay and we make the long journey back. He looks at me long and hard and says no drink or leaf tonight... I am tired. I know better than to argue with him... I know I will not sleep tonight... my eyes do not close when given a choice...
I would rather be tired that see Asha's face as I break her with my betrayal.... or the faces of my past before her where I was broken... my innocence taken from me..
Jerod is distant so I sit alone tonight watching the sunset... I look down on the fields in kingdom... It is peaceful there... I wonder what it would be like to lay among those flowers... all I have smelled is death for the past 5 years... to smell life...
I look over at Jerod he is asleep... It wouldn't hurt to go look. The area is suppose to be protected right... maybe it will be like my fairytale where it will open for me. It is not a long walk I suppose. 4 hours maybe. If I run I can make it in 2 and be back in time for dawn when Jerod awakes.
I quietly drop myself down from the tree feeling the heat burn through my gloves as I slide down to fast. I like the pain so I do not mind. It feels nice to strech my muscles and run. I am like a deer in the open meadow bounding forward.... the air touches my lungs but I am not tired. the long days of training Jerod had me do were always greater than the effect of the magic leaves and the potatoe wine...
The moon is directly above me as I arrive at the walls Vedetta.... I look up and they are 20 feet high in the air. I am still amazed by the things magic can do... as the walls were grown from the ground up... I twirt the rope with the hook on it around and around and whirl it into the night sky... nearly killing myself as it lands at my feat. I take a few steps back deciding I need a little more room..
I am surprised as the hook clangs over the side. I almost expect it to simply bounce off the force field of magic which is said to rise up to the heavens from the wall. I yank it tight and begin to climb. my arms burn... I again enjoy the pain. It means I am alive...
At the top I reach over and crawl up on the 6 foot wide top part expecting to be sent flying back... it is then I notive something moving... 3 different things moving at once... there is a girl... her skin is white like the pale moon, her hair jet black with large brown eyes and crimson red lips... she is the girl jerod described... she is teasing the deer she chases... it is not a fair fight because... well this girl is faster than the deer which is not possible...
The 3 group is 3 of the dark ones... they are stalking her... I have never seen them so close... my heart begins to race. I wish I had a weapon... I must warn her.. I must do something.....
I quickly move to the edge of the wall...my foot gets caught on the rope.. oh shoot I am going to fall... this is how it will end I see the ground rushing towards me..I close my eyes...then something tightens around my leg...I open one eye to peak open and I am inches from the ground...I look up and am in an odd predicament.. what a sight I must make...
Then out of a dream or something... I here laughter... she is standing next to me looking down at me... "so your here to kill the princess Bella are you? She giggles in a accent I have never heard... I cannot speak my heart is in my stomach or my throat... in one smooth movement she cuts me down...I manage a thanks...then I see her eyes go into her head and she slumps...I feel a peck in my neck, I pull out a dart and all goes black...
I hear voices.. well shadows of voices.. I do not understand them...
One soilder stops and says to me "how can you walk among the dead like you do?" I try to smile... my lips do not know how to smile right now... I mumble.. I am dead inside so I am at home with them, we the care takers live between the living and the dead... we bring them to Palator.." He smiles at this thought...and keeps on walking...
It is night now, we work throught the night.. there is a lot of dead... I can still see their faces through the darkness... I wish it was me looking up at me... Jerod says it is time to go, to let the night shift work but I stay.. he understands this is the only place where it is peaceful for me... We don't finish till morning and I stay to watch the last of the bodies burn... I do not say a prayer for I know the clerics have blessed the men who have fallen... I instead stare into it wishing it was me who burned in the flames..
When the last embers burn I feel Jerod's arm on my shoulder and I know it is time to go... he hands me my pay and we make the long journey back. He looks at me long and hard and says no drink or leaf tonight... I am tired. I know better than to argue with him... I know I will not sleep tonight... my eyes do not close when given a choice...
I would rather be tired that see Asha's face as I break her with my betrayal.... or the faces of my past before her where I was broken... my innocence taken from me..
Jerod is distant so I sit alone tonight watching the sunset... I look down on the fields in kingdom... It is peaceful there... I wonder what it would be like to lay among those flowers... all I have smelled is death for the past 5 years... to smell life...
I look over at Jerod he is asleep... It wouldn't hurt to go look. The area is suppose to be protected right... maybe it will be like my fairytale where it will open for me. It is not a long walk I suppose. 4 hours maybe. If I run I can make it in 2 and be back in time for dawn when Jerod awakes.
I quietly drop myself down from the tree feeling the heat burn through my gloves as I slide down to fast. I like the pain so I do not mind. It feels nice to strech my muscles and run. I am like a deer in the open meadow bounding forward.... the air touches my lungs but I am not tired. the long days of training Jerod had me do were always greater than the effect of the magic leaves and the potatoe wine...
The moon is directly above me as I arrive at the walls Vedetta.... I look up and they are 20 feet high in the air. I am still amazed by the things magic can do... as the walls were grown from the ground up... I twirt the rope with the hook on it around and around and whirl it into the night sky... nearly killing myself as it lands at my feat. I take a few steps back deciding I need a little more room..
I am surprised as the hook clangs over the side. I almost expect it to simply bounce off the force field of magic which is said to rise up to the heavens from the wall. I yank it tight and begin to climb. my arms burn... I again enjoy the pain. It means I am alive...
At the top I reach over and crawl up on the 6 foot wide top part expecting to be sent flying back... it is then I notive something moving... 3 different things moving at once... there is a girl... her skin is white like the pale moon, her hair jet black with large brown eyes and crimson red lips... she is the girl jerod described... she is teasing the deer she chases... it is not a fair fight because... well this girl is faster than the deer which is not possible...
The 3 group is 3 of the dark ones... they are stalking her... I have never seen them so close... my heart begins to race. I wish I had a weapon... I must warn her.. I must do something.....
I quickly move to the edge of the wall...my foot gets caught on the rope.. oh shoot I am going to fall... this is how it will end I see the ground rushing towards me..I close my eyes...then something tightens around my leg...I open one eye to peak open and I am inches from the ground...I look up and am in an odd predicament.. what a sight I must make...
Then out of a dream or something... I here laughter... she is standing next to me looking down at me... "so your here to kill the princess Bella are you? She giggles in a accent I have never heard... I cannot speak my heart is in my stomach or my throat... in one smooth movement she cuts me down...I manage a thanks...then I see her eyes go into her head and she slumps...I feel a peck in my neck, I pull out a dart and all goes black...
I hear voices.. well shadows of voices.. I do not understand them...
5. I am not alive... I am not dead... I am something else...
The stories would change each night... not the girl. It was like he was living the same dream over and over again throughout time. Each a different girl with the same person inside. The mornings were always the worst for me. Jerod knew this without me saying anything because he could see the effect the dream had inside me. How it ripped me apart inside when mixed with the love I had once had with Asha. He never asked why my eyes were always heavy.. why I lingered in bed wanting to let the dark encompess me... keep me there. He was kind in his cruelness as he made me arise from our castle and tend to its needs.
I suppose I found joy in the manual labor, the cutting of wood, the practising of hand to hand combat, weapons training and tracking. For me it was a constant battle between the emotional uncertainty inside. I was trapped inside the madness that ripped at my mind.... each time my old friend would break through my sloppy defenses I would enjoy the pain of the stick across my skin. I suppose the pain helped distract me from the chasm inside. Each it is the same... For each step forward the cracks in my mind take me two steps back.
Jerod does not say anything... he only hands me a cloth and says soak in the stream which runs near our castle. The water is always cold but again it numbs my heart inside. It needs to be numb because I am trapped... locked away.. I cannot let my mind wander free.... I feel awash in the pain of memories...
Trying to find some semblence of a man inside this broken shell. My memories of asha haunt me... my desire to feel loved shakes me at my core.. a dream I am certain to never have and yet the pain at the realizations leaves me shreaded. I may have flesh, I may be able to walk and even do some work but I am most at home with the dead which is why I look forward to the red flag and the sounds of the horns indicating another attack. I just am too much a coward to lay down and take my place among the dead soldiers I know I will see as I put my clothes back on and join Jerod for the walk to the plains of blood.... We do not need to hurry, they will not let the care takers of the dead walk among the dead for a few days...
The dark ones make sure of this because they want the smell of the rotting flesh to carry across the city walls into the hearts of the innocent who sleep there. They want it to fill there dreams with nightmares...
Jerod takes me hand... seeing the cracks in me are larger today and he says... "do not look for death my friend, it will find you when your time is now... men like us don't live, we don't die, we survive... it is our blessing, it is our curse... just breath... and the madness will disappear in time..."
I try to smile back finding my cheek is burning as salty tears fill my eyes. I cannot handle his touch... I have not been held in 5 years... I have not felt the warmth of another human upon my skin in so long... He sees my pain and lets go... I look ahead and nothing more is said.
I survive.. but i am not alive... I am not dead.. I am something else...
I suppose I found joy in the manual labor, the cutting of wood, the practising of hand to hand combat, weapons training and tracking. For me it was a constant battle between the emotional uncertainty inside. I was trapped inside the madness that ripped at my mind.... each time my old friend would break through my sloppy defenses I would enjoy the pain of the stick across my skin. I suppose the pain helped distract me from the chasm inside. Each it is the same... For each step forward the cracks in my mind take me two steps back.
Jerod does not say anything... he only hands me a cloth and says soak in the stream which runs near our castle. The water is always cold but again it numbs my heart inside. It needs to be numb because I am trapped... locked away.. I cannot let my mind wander free.... I feel awash in the pain of memories...
Trying to find some semblence of a man inside this broken shell. My memories of asha haunt me... my desire to feel loved shakes me at my core.. a dream I am certain to never have and yet the pain at the realizations leaves me shreaded. I may have flesh, I may be able to walk and even do some work but I am most at home with the dead which is why I look forward to the red flag and the sounds of the horns indicating another attack. I just am too much a coward to lay down and take my place among the dead soldiers I know I will see as I put my clothes back on and join Jerod for the walk to the plains of blood.... We do not need to hurry, they will not let the care takers of the dead walk among the dead for a few days...
The dark ones make sure of this because they want the smell of the rotting flesh to carry across the city walls into the hearts of the innocent who sleep there. They want it to fill there dreams with nightmares...
Jerod takes me hand... seeing the cracks in me are larger today and he says... "do not look for death my friend, it will find you when your time is now... men like us don't live, we don't die, we survive... it is our blessing, it is our curse... just breath... and the madness will disappear in time..."
I try to smile back finding my cheek is burning as salty tears fill my eyes. I cannot handle his touch... I have not been held in 5 years... I have not felt the warmth of another human upon my skin in so long... He sees my pain and lets go... I look ahead and nothing more is said.
I survive.. but i am not alive... I am not dead.. I am something else...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
High in the clouds lost in the story of the knight....
I don't love, not the love in Jerod's story. The girl she had jet black hair that curled to her shoulders. Large brown eyes you could lose your self in, lips you want to scream to get lost in...a smile...the most beautiful smile you could even imagine seeing. A heart that would dance in the stars with you if you could get past her hard exterio of fear that what she would be getting would far exceed everything she would give up. A journey of growth and imagination.. that was his story. I can't only describe it as I lived it in the moment, because I live that dream everytime I close my eyes. It tears at my soul, the most wonderful and cruxifying mess of emotions...tangled together in ways that create an unpredictable man... A farm boy like me, who rose to become a king in a far off land before life asked him to flee...and now he is a coward.. the guilt of him deserting his people...haunts him... but then he finds something he never imagined.
He finds that girl... but she is a noble girl who is flighty, easily bored, troublesome and amazingly touching...She only sees this poet the boy becomes, a poet and a writer for her... something he has never been able to. In an instant he is transformed from that broken king into a love sick poet who must find a way to release the overwhelming passion the burns hotter than the fires of hell for her.... he loves her so completely with only seeing her from a far, sharing a smile... a few short conversations and nothing more that he would be her friend even if it killed him in a way.... but his dream the impossible happens....
See he saves her from herself in a way. He shows her that magic is possible. She doesn't show it.. she can't he is a farm boy... who seems troubled by demons, he is, I am overwhelming... my words dance from the page and into your heart... I give you moments of joy and frustration like no other... In someways you find me intoxicating because you know I would romance you, dance with you in every possible way and it would blow you away where you could be broken, in ways you cannot bear because they hurt you worse than most and even though you put up a touch girl front you are extremely gentle...
But he does not despear.... He just keeps on writing... keeps on selling another life... a dream.. a chance at brilliants... you see his flaws he sees yours and it is ok...
She loves him you see.. but she can't tell him because she knows she is not ready and knowing she loves him but can not give him what he wants would kill him inside... He knows it deep down Jerod makes it sound. It is why he left, how can a man rule with a broken heart the story goes...
I don't know if it sad or crazy that he kept on trying the way he did because he was always last in many ways... an afterthought of a busy day never a priority. but letters came even when he was not near. His gifts would arrive in the mail as the king who became a peasant sought to become a king again to win the girl.. By wanting to become worthy of her again, to become a real knight, to become a prince and then her king... the overwhelming desire in your heart that said do not let this girl go... keep blowing her away... he found his queen..
I always like that the best... I cry at that thought everytime. Jerod does not notice.. He cries too... but it is just a dream. Such things do not happen..
lol there is one dream he talks about having with her.. one she did grant him.. John donne would envy this king... He never says if it is one knight or many over a period of time but there is such fire there...
A poem for her...
If you only live once, live this
My darlying bella, my sweetness
My wild, maltese, tigress
who fire, will surge through us with just a kiss,
What reason can you give for not one small dance,
It is the lips that always tell you what you need to know,
It is in the lips the magic comes from that we call gods chance,
The dream, the fairytale between you and I grew.
Your heart would leave your body as you were lifted from this world into clouds of high,
We would dance you and I as between the rise and fall of your chest in exatasies sign
You are romantic like me, what choice do you really have my dear....
with me there is never a thing to evern.
Only lilly pads my friend we will forever walk together hand in hand
eternal, the type of love that is retold over and over again, living outside lifes strands..
It is just a silly sonet.. like shakespear who is her favorite poet... but still she does not see him. Lost in the dreams of something else when the dream of her life stands before her a peasant wanting to become a king and needing her to see him as one.
They both bry again....
then he talks of sunrises, however she is away from the watching eyes of nobles and they find they miss every sinrise and see every sunset... well she does because he awakes at 5 am to see it shine through the window she her in a shadowed lingery of the heavens... I don't know what that means... it sounds nice. They both have there own lives, she a young flighty student who has crushes on everyone... it seems...just not on the man she is simply too scared to love...
He saves her know... he does... he was watching the flowers shimmer in the fields of Veddata... they shouldn't of gotten through the magic around the kingdom of Veddata, nor should he...I... they were the dark ones and she was alone as she often was when hunting. It was her secret love to track and kill. She was good at it and they had found out. Information is only a nmber of gold coins away. She knew this and did not care. In a way it made hunting erotic to her. She found it was sexy in a way to bleed the life from them... she never ate humans unless they wanted to be eaten and some she even made pets for physical reasons. She was dead.. dead can be sexy and with her it was, she was forzen in time when she was at the peak of beauty. How many vampires still have dimples.. I play her to in th story I suppose...
I know it sounds twisted but a perfect fantasy and that is what I see when I hear is words lift me with the funny leafs and potatoe wine..I know it fruity, such it up I say...
They hunted her the dark ones the minions... cold creatures you were, your blue emarald skin with flow blue blood that glowed through woiuld the most dilicous of all snacks.. your blood glows in magic off old. Each of you I suck I grow power... I can read your mind, what you are thinking with my magic. I hear your thooughts when I am floating in the magic of the minions.... Not that I had to with Robert... he was such an idiot that night. I wanted them to hunt me, they had no chance, have you ever tryed to mess with a vampire who can read your thoughts... man it is like hunting rabits...
but he was so cute, here I am ready to eat this dark one and he come barling through the bushes screaming no I will save you princes... he is all knightly in a way no others are.. your heart is still broken, duck taped together..no idea what that means... And then he is like the borken poet a second later, your beautfy often brings him to tears... he tries not to show his disappointment because I am a vampire who does not really believe in those things... I find him entertaining to death... I would kill him and keep him for eternity... but it would kill what I love in him... the way he fawns over me... Even a vampire with no soul or heart likes to feel like a princess... it is like he breaths his story into me... I so dearly want to be near him, to have him over me.. I could destroy him in every way possible... shatter him into a trillion pieces.. again no idea with these numbers.. it sound a lot..
I will have once perhaps, perhaps more than ponce I think.. if he can keep it simple... I will have him on me, all over me, he can do whatever he wants to me, when I feel like it that is.. the rest of the time, he can be the knight and the poet who entertain the hell out of me and make me want to really eat the hell out of him... he is such a dumbass sometimes. Constantly got this clark kent superman type deal... Jerod never told me what that meant. Gebadia... I am him.. I even use my own name...
I seem to dance through personalities.
I suppose when we have a real fairytale it matches the imagined.. She was everything I imagined... I knew I couldn't let go of the dream forever and I would hurt for her for eternity. Again with these stupid references I do not understand, he would rather be in agony over her, like heathcilffe wioth Eliszabeth I think in withering hearts or did he say catherine.. I can never get that part straight..
We aways stop heart because I think Jerod is like the boy in the story... waiting and hoping for something like me... he sees her brokenness and her cracks.. he will wait for her to see and perciver if it takes an eternity because he would rather hurt over her than love another...
He never says anything after that... I suppose I like to believe they find a way.. you know.. he takes her borken heart into hers and breaths life into it, she does the same to him, giving him an emortal life so they could spend an eternity dancing from star to star...
that is what my dream is in a way... a fantasy, a fairytale, call it a myth because it would have to be, I stink... the dead stick to us.. not smell.. inside us... he does not know she is a vampire and could relate to the whole dead thing and kind of digged killing... it was sexy for her.. she very much likes to make love after a battle as does he... his is to forget the sourage of his life... he lost himself in her and with her... he was perfect.. without flaws, a knight in every word of the sense by day and the poet to devourer at night..
What more could a girl ask for than brilliance in so many ways... look I am her...I can not keep up the magic leaf is too much tonight I must dance another .. I am becoming lost in her right now and there are no words I know to describe what that is like when I close my eyes... and with her... with this girl from his dream...Elizabeth he calls me.. some silly refernce to a book and a girl that couldn't find love until they are both dead.. he knows and yet he doesn't...
she is magic....
He finds that girl... but she is a noble girl who is flighty, easily bored, troublesome and amazingly touching...She only sees this poet the boy becomes, a poet and a writer for her... something he has never been able to. In an instant he is transformed from that broken king into a love sick poet who must find a way to release the overwhelming passion the burns hotter than the fires of hell for her.... he loves her so completely with only seeing her from a far, sharing a smile... a few short conversations and nothing more that he would be her friend even if it killed him in a way.... but his dream the impossible happens....
See he saves her from herself in a way. He shows her that magic is possible. She doesn't show it.. she can't he is a farm boy... who seems troubled by demons, he is, I am overwhelming... my words dance from the page and into your heart... I give you moments of joy and frustration like no other... In someways you find me intoxicating because you know I would romance you, dance with you in every possible way and it would blow you away where you could be broken, in ways you cannot bear because they hurt you worse than most and even though you put up a touch girl front you are extremely gentle...
But he does not despear.... He just keeps on writing... keeps on selling another life... a dream.. a chance at brilliants... you see his flaws he sees yours and it is ok...
She loves him you see.. but she can't tell him because she knows she is not ready and knowing she loves him but can not give him what he wants would kill him inside... He knows it deep down Jerod makes it sound. It is why he left, how can a man rule with a broken heart the story goes...
I don't know if it sad or crazy that he kept on trying the way he did because he was always last in many ways... an afterthought of a busy day never a priority. but letters came even when he was not near. His gifts would arrive in the mail as the king who became a peasant sought to become a king again to win the girl.. By wanting to become worthy of her again, to become a real knight, to become a prince and then her king... the overwhelming desire in your heart that said do not let this girl go... keep blowing her away... he found his queen..
I always like that the best... I cry at that thought everytime. Jerod does not notice.. He cries too... but it is just a dream. Such things do not happen..
lol there is one dream he talks about having with her.. one she did grant him.. John donne would envy this king... He never says if it is one knight or many over a period of time but there is such fire there...
A poem for her...
If you only live once, live this
My darlying bella, my sweetness
My wild, maltese, tigress
who fire, will surge through us with just a kiss,
What reason can you give for not one small dance,
It is the lips that always tell you what you need to know,
It is in the lips the magic comes from that we call gods chance,
The dream, the fairytale between you and I grew.
Your heart would leave your body as you were lifted from this world into clouds of high,
We would dance you and I as between the rise and fall of your chest in exatasies sign
You are romantic like me, what choice do you really have my dear....
with me there is never a thing to evern.
Only lilly pads my friend we will forever walk together hand in hand
eternal, the type of love that is retold over and over again, living outside lifes strands..
It is just a silly sonet.. like shakespear who is her favorite poet... but still she does not see him. Lost in the dreams of something else when the dream of her life stands before her a peasant wanting to become a king and needing her to see him as one.
They both bry again....
then he talks of sunrises, however she is away from the watching eyes of nobles and they find they miss every sinrise and see every sunset... well she does because he awakes at 5 am to see it shine through the window she her in a shadowed lingery of the heavens... I don't know what that means... it sounds nice. They both have there own lives, she a young flighty student who has crushes on everyone... it seems...just not on the man she is simply too scared to love...
He saves her know... he does... he was watching the flowers shimmer in the fields of Veddata... they shouldn't of gotten through the magic around the kingdom of Veddata, nor should he...I... they were the dark ones and she was alone as she often was when hunting. It was her secret love to track and kill. She was good at it and they had found out. Information is only a nmber of gold coins away. She knew this and did not care. In a way it made hunting erotic to her. She found it was sexy in a way to bleed the life from them... she never ate humans unless they wanted to be eaten and some she even made pets for physical reasons. She was dead.. dead can be sexy and with her it was, she was forzen in time when she was at the peak of beauty. How many vampires still have dimples.. I play her to in th story I suppose...
I know it sounds twisted but a perfect fantasy and that is what I see when I hear is words lift me with the funny leafs and potatoe wine..I know it fruity, such it up I say...
They hunted her the dark ones the minions... cold creatures you were, your blue emarald skin with flow blue blood that glowed through woiuld the most dilicous of all snacks.. your blood glows in magic off old. Each of you I suck I grow power... I can read your mind, what you are thinking with my magic. I hear your thooughts when I am floating in the magic of the minions.... Not that I had to with Robert... he was such an idiot that night. I wanted them to hunt me, they had no chance, have you ever tryed to mess with a vampire who can read your thoughts... man it is like hunting rabits...
but he was so cute, here I am ready to eat this dark one and he come barling through the bushes screaming no I will save you princes... he is all knightly in a way no others are.. your heart is still broken, duck taped together..no idea what that means... And then he is like the borken poet a second later, your beautfy often brings him to tears... he tries not to show his disappointment because I am a vampire who does not really believe in those things... I find him entertaining to death... I would kill him and keep him for eternity... but it would kill what I love in him... the way he fawns over me... Even a vampire with no soul or heart likes to feel like a princess... it is like he breaths his story into me... I so dearly want to be near him, to have him over me.. I could destroy him in every way possible... shatter him into a trillion pieces.. again no idea with these numbers.. it sound a lot..
I will have once perhaps, perhaps more than ponce I think.. if he can keep it simple... I will have him on me, all over me, he can do whatever he wants to me, when I feel like it that is.. the rest of the time, he can be the knight and the poet who entertain the hell out of me and make me want to really eat the hell out of him... he is such a dumbass sometimes. Constantly got this clark kent superman type deal... Jerod never told me what that meant. Gebadia... I am him.. I even use my own name...
I seem to dance through personalities.
I suppose when we have a real fairytale it matches the imagined.. She was everything I imagined... I knew I couldn't let go of the dream forever and I would hurt for her for eternity. Again with these stupid references I do not understand, he would rather be in agony over her, like heathcilffe wioth Eliszabeth I think in withering hearts or did he say catherine.. I can never get that part straight..
We aways stop heart because I think Jerod is like the boy in the story... waiting and hoping for something like me... he sees her brokenness and her cracks.. he will wait for her to see and perciver if it takes an eternity because he would rather hurt over her than love another...
He never says anything after that... I suppose I like to believe they find a way.. you know.. he takes her borken heart into hers and breaths life into it, she does the same to him, giving him an emortal life so they could spend an eternity dancing from star to star...
that is what my dream is in a way... a fantasy, a fairytale, call it a myth because it would have to be, I stink... the dead stick to us.. not smell.. inside us... he does not know she is a vampire and could relate to the whole dead thing and kind of digged killing... it was sexy for her.. she very much likes to make love after a battle as does he... his is to forget the sourage of his life... he lost himself in her and with her... he was perfect.. without flaws, a knight in every word of the sense by day and the poet to devourer at night..
What more could a girl ask for than brilliance in so many ways... look I am her...I can not keep up the magic leaf is too much tonight I must dance another .. I am becoming lost in her right now and there are no words I know to describe what that is like when I close my eyes... and with her... with this girl from his dream...Elizabeth he calls me.. some silly refernce to a book and a girl that couldn't find love until they are both dead.. he knows and yet he doesn't...
she is magic....
I lived in a tree house with a king who was a peasant..
The flag of the yellow sun, the flag of victory is blowing above the city walls. This means the enemy has retreated for the time being although from what I can tell these battles are not so much for victory now as much as they are to wear down our spirts, to keep us on edge. A man cannot sleep peacefully when their thoughts live in fear. Fear that they will awake to the enemy upon them, or upon there loved ones. We are lucky in that the city is surrounded by plains where one can see the enemy coming from a mile away and on the otherside is the sea which is heavily fortified. It would be foolish to attack the naval might of Vultara. The kings of old were wise when they built this city. They knew it could not be taken easily. Not that they allow men who smell like me to venture in most areas. There are slums which we can go if we chose. Most of us though live outside the walls. Past the plains of blood, a dangerous existense some might say but the dark ones leave us well enough alone because they know how smell futhers there goal.
My friend Jerod and I, Robert they call me, live together farther than most. Past the plains, in the cursed forest where few dare go and fewer choose live. He and I are both curse so in a way we feel at home. We live in the trees, which are wider than both of us layed togehter and seem to reach to the clouds. We chose one on the bunches of trees at the outskirts which splits between the Valtara and the great royal walls of Vedetta where teh royal grounds are...It runs around the city of Vedetta, where the great king lives in his palace. King Detrick, they call him. I suppose we chose this spot because we can see the flags of Valtara which tell us when we must work. It is not vital we arrive right away because the care takers of death come after the battle has raged. When we see the red shining sun it takes us 2 days to arrive on foot. We cannot afford horses and even they do not like our smell.
We also chose this spot because the within the walls of Vedetta is a green lucious land of wild animals, forests where deer dance to and fro amoung the trees. In the spring when the flowers bloom in is like Palator has kissed the earth in all its colors... I suppose even hard men like Jerod and I enjoy sitting on our little castle in the trees, eating potato soup, sipping potato skin wine and chewing on the green leafs of the razeer plant. In our own way we feel like kings. I seem to have a magic touch with plants. I always have and in the dead earth of the cursed force not much will grow except a few spices and potatoes. Sometimes we find a rabit or two. It hurts me to kill such a creature but it is the way of the world. they exist for us...but still a respect must be given for what gives us life. Tonight is a good night. Neither of us spends much of our meager earnings. We buy some flour to make dry bread which we can dip in our stew. Jerod has a new batch of wine and tonight the sky is alight with the 3 moons. Some say one is for each god but neitehr Jerod or I know for sure for they look alight. The night flowers in the feilds of Vedetta, a gift from the white robes are in full blook and we are drunk. We are drunk most night when we are home. Drunk and something else. I am a magic with plants and in these dark woods there is something in the soil that gives birth to a leaf we dry and smoke. It takes us places...
Jerod is the story teller. he is old than me by 2 sets of fingers. I do not know how to count beyound my fingers and toes. I guess I could say he is fingers and toes. He is old to me and the father in many ways mine never was. He is telling me my favorite tale. Of the boy who met a girl who turned out to be a princess. I suppose it is a simple tale. One many a bard would sing of in the pubs, I suppose that is where he heard of it but to heaer him tell it is like living in it. He talks with such great detail and maybe it is the plants powers... I like to think it is real love for his words filled with a deepness, a romance which only when the plant is upon me do I dare dream of. In real life I remember Asha and cannot bear the thouoght of love... in the the strenght of the wine and in the pull of the magic leaves I am free of my pain and once again I can imagine I am that boy and the princess finds me amazing... as it does the boy in Jerods story. He never tells me how it ends... he always says that is for the gods to decide... there is sadness there for him in his voice so I do not ask. We don't talk fo pain because what can change the scars of the past. We are realistic men..the past is always with us... our pain is our own to carry... we both find peace in the quiet of the night when we are kinds in our castles.
Some might say it is a pathetic existence. To live of what little we can grow or kill in the forest. To drown the night in the magic leaves and the wine of the earth.. Maybe they are right but it is our life and it is not all we do. Like I said I often try to die...
My friend Jerod and I, Robert they call me, live together farther than most. Past the plains, in the cursed forest where few dare go and fewer choose live. He and I are both curse so in a way we feel at home. We live in the trees, which are wider than both of us layed togehter and seem to reach to the clouds. We chose one on the bunches of trees at the outskirts which splits between the Valtara and the great royal walls of Vedetta where teh royal grounds are...It runs around the city of Vedetta, where the great king lives in his palace. King Detrick, they call him. I suppose we chose this spot because we can see the flags of Valtara which tell us when we must work. It is not vital we arrive right away because the care takers of death come after the battle has raged. When we see the red shining sun it takes us 2 days to arrive on foot. We cannot afford horses and even they do not like our smell.
We also chose this spot because the within the walls of Vedetta is a green lucious land of wild animals, forests where deer dance to and fro amoung the trees. In the spring when the flowers bloom in is like Palator has kissed the earth in all its colors... I suppose even hard men like Jerod and I enjoy sitting on our little castle in the trees, eating potato soup, sipping potato skin wine and chewing on the green leafs of the razeer plant. In our own way we feel like kings. I seem to have a magic touch with plants. I always have and in the dead earth of the cursed force not much will grow except a few spices and potatoes. Sometimes we find a rabit or two. It hurts me to kill such a creature but it is the way of the world. they exist for us...but still a respect must be given for what gives us life. Tonight is a good night. Neither of us spends much of our meager earnings. We buy some flour to make dry bread which we can dip in our stew. Jerod has a new batch of wine and tonight the sky is alight with the 3 moons. Some say one is for each god but neitehr Jerod or I know for sure for they look alight. The night flowers in the feilds of Vedetta, a gift from the white robes are in full blook and we are drunk. We are drunk most night when we are home. Drunk and something else. I am a magic with plants and in these dark woods there is something in the soil that gives birth to a leaf we dry and smoke. It takes us places...
Jerod is the story teller. he is old than me by 2 sets of fingers. I do not know how to count beyound my fingers and toes. I guess I could say he is fingers and toes. He is old to me and the father in many ways mine never was. He is telling me my favorite tale. Of the boy who met a girl who turned out to be a princess. I suppose it is a simple tale. One many a bard would sing of in the pubs, I suppose that is where he heard of it but to heaer him tell it is like living in it. He talks with such great detail and maybe it is the plants powers... I like to think it is real love for his words filled with a deepness, a romance which only when the plant is upon me do I dare dream of. In real life I remember Asha and cannot bear the thouoght of love... in the the strenght of the wine and in the pull of the magic leaves I am free of my pain and once again I can imagine I am that boy and the princess finds me amazing... as it does the boy in Jerods story. He never tells me how it ends... he always says that is for the gods to decide... there is sadness there for him in his voice so I do not ask. We don't talk fo pain because what can change the scars of the past. We are realistic men..the past is always with us... our pain is our own to carry... we both find peace in the quiet of the night when we are kinds in our castles.
Some might say it is a pathetic existence. To live of what little we can grow or kill in the forest. To drown the night in the magic leaves and the wine of the earth.. Maybe they are right but it is our life and it is not all we do. Like I said I often try to die...
chapter 1: Care takers of the dead
They would not let me become a knight. It is the same story a 1000 others here have heard. We without noble blood find ourselvess with the cravens, the black birds of death sent from the dark gods to pluck the bodies of the dead and the spirits of the living as we drag our dead from the battlefield...It is written the dark gods, the first to walk the earth, that it is better to eat your dead while your enemy watches and turn there stomachs than to bury them...
It makes sense to me watching the faces of the soilders who are still alive protecting us. I can see there faces and I can smell the beginnings of desease form on the dead who are not burned and buried. We dare not touch there dead unless we have to. Another gift from the dark ones... death giveth death I suppose. We do as much as we can I suppose. It might seem so little and we might seem lucky because we come after the battlle has been fought... but my heart feels empty as I drag another body to the bonfires. Once upon a time the smell of burning flesh made me sick... now it is all I smell... it gets into the clothes, the skin they say which is why nobody talks to the care takers of the dead... that is what they call us.
Once upon a time I tried to become a knight... before I left the small village where my mother still lives I knew a girl... Asha I called her but I am broken, my touch harsh and I offended her... I chose to leave, to come here where ever hear is. I do not know names, cannot read. It is the plains of noble blood which border the great city of Vultara... a port city of great importance for the king. It allows him to trade with the far off land and thus is the place the dark ones want the most and attack the most often. I do not dare say the real name of the dark ones. Rumors have if you utter the real names in the night when your mind is free of this world it will become stolen in nightmares. None of us do except the very strong or the very foolish. I am niether. I am just a farm boy who sought to be something worthwhile after he hurt a girl..
Silly I know...
Almost as silly as this death on this plain where the grass grows red. That was our clerics.. a gift they say to remind us of the blood that is spilled so we might live in peace. to me it seems unnatural, wrong... because if we are to live free should we not live as the Palator the god of light intended us to? To speak it would be blasphomy... It seems to me a mere farm boy that it is a ploy to get the nobles to send there sons to fight these battles. Which also seems strange to me how only proper blood lines are given the honor of dying on the fields... when men like me... if you can call me a man must stand and watch, our blood not worthy of an enemies blade. Maybe it is just my curse because I do seek death I suppose, I seek it in every vice I have as the sins of Asha dance upon my heart... I feel like death is the only joy i am to know... but even that I seem to be too cowardly or not worthy to have... but I do try...yes i try...
It makes sense to me watching the faces of the soilders who are still alive protecting us. I can see there faces and I can smell the beginnings of desease form on the dead who are not burned and buried. We dare not touch there dead unless we have to. Another gift from the dark ones... death giveth death I suppose. We do as much as we can I suppose. It might seem so little and we might seem lucky because we come after the battlle has been fought... but my heart feels empty as I drag another body to the bonfires. Once upon a time the smell of burning flesh made me sick... now it is all I smell... it gets into the clothes, the skin they say which is why nobody talks to the care takers of the dead... that is what they call us.
Once upon a time I tried to become a knight... before I left the small village where my mother still lives I knew a girl... Asha I called her but I am broken, my touch harsh and I offended her... I chose to leave, to come here where ever hear is. I do not know names, cannot read. It is the plains of noble blood which border the great city of Vultara... a port city of great importance for the king. It allows him to trade with the far off land and thus is the place the dark ones want the most and attack the most often. I do not dare say the real name of the dark ones. Rumors have if you utter the real names in the night when your mind is free of this world it will become stolen in nightmares. None of us do except the very strong or the very foolish. I am niether. I am just a farm boy who sought to be something worthwhile after he hurt a girl..
Silly I know...
Almost as silly as this death on this plain where the grass grows red. That was our clerics.. a gift they say to remind us of the blood that is spilled so we might live in peace. to me it seems unnatural, wrong... because if we are to live free should we not live as the Palator the god of light intended us to? To speak it would be blasphomy... It seems to me a mere farm boy that it is a ploy to get the nobles to send there sons to fight these battles. Which also seems strange to me how only proper blood lines are given the honor of dying on the fields... when men like me... if you can call me a man must stand and watch, our blood not worthy of an enemies blade. Maybe it is just my curse because I do seek death I suppose, I seek it in every vice I have as the sins of Asha dance upon my heart... I feel like death is the only joy i am to know... but even that I seem to be too cowardly or not worthy to have... but I do try...yes i try...
Prologue: the girl who time stood still for...this tale is for you
In this lifetime, in this world, there is a girl for who time stood still, a smile that could bring tears to my eyes. Someone who I loved the moment my eyes fell to her. The girl of my facebook feed who lived on the other side of the world. Maybe I am just a romantic poet or story teller who cannot face the reality that it could just be a foolish heart broken by life that would feel so deep so soon.. perhaps... but I would like to think that in this life we make choices... moments where we must chose between what is easy and what is hard and for me, in this life because of my past sins I must pay the price so I might learn for the next. Wether it be fate, timing or simply something as silly as distance, it seems that this love, this girl I am never meant to know.
I can't deal with that reality. How does one deal with finding the girl he has dreamt of since a young boy and to find that life will not let you have her for a million reasons which he cannot control or understand? I can't, I don't and so I shut my eyes and I will imagine another world, another time where such a love would be possible. If I cannot have her in this world then I shall find heathcliffes moors in another place... and there I shall find the girl of my facebook feed. The girl who time stood still...
And maybe in this place the sins of my past, the pentinece I must pay will be clear... yes... there will be dragons and knights, magic and things of pure imagination. In this world I will be broken and then become whole as I search to find what is missing in me.. and then in the end... there is a girl... a butterfly, a princess dancing in the flowers who becomes a hero and she will rescue me... finding her prince in the warted toad or frog I too often see when I look in the mirror...
So today this is the first in the tale, the story, the dance through the mind of madness of one man who loved a girl enough to find her in another world, another life.....
I can't deal with that reality. How does one deal with finding the girl he has dreamt of since a young boy and to find that life will not let you have her for a million reasons which he cannot control or understand? I can't, I don't and so I shut my eyes and I will imagine another world, another time where such a love would be possible. If I cannot have her in this world then I shall find heathcliffes moors in another place... and there I shall find the girl of my facebook feed. The girl who time stood still...
And maybe in this place the sins of my past, the pentinece I must pay will be clear... yes... there will be dragons and knights, magic and things of pure imagination. In this world I will be broken and then become whole as I search to find what is missing in me.. and then in the end... there is a girl... a butterfly, a princess dancing in the flowers who becomes a hero and she will rescue me... finding her prince in the warted toad or frog I too often see when I look in the mirror...
So today this is the first in the tale, the story, the dance through the mind of madness of one man who loved a girl enough to find her in another world, another life.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I am still an after thought
Don't ever chose a life like mine. It is emprty and lonely. It is hard for mwe to admit the truth about bella because it makes me feel pathetic. She so easily forgets me. I am sure there are reasons but the reason I hear is your an after thought. I am sort of screwed in a way to love someone who will never love me. What do I do? What can I do? Well I am going to stop writing to her. Stop trying...lol yah right, I have nobody else to write to.
I am a sad man me thinks.
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Monday, February 16, 2009
I miss you jasmine
How easy it was for you to let me go. Sometimes I still love you. Sometimes I do not. Today I do. Today I love you. Bella... I don't know what I mean to her.. She will never love me. They never do.
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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Alone
There is noise alll arounds me,
Smiles, laughs, heated conversations
A million lives, a million worlds, a million realities,
I apart of none,
How it has always been, how it will always be it seems.
I am always alone,
Living outside the fray which I am never to be part of.
Often when I am not filled with drink or smoke I long for the dance of the fray,
To have a moment or two where I can share a laugh with another,
Eye that is a dream
Smiles, laughs, heated conversations
A million lives, a million worlds, a million realities,
I apart of none,
How it has always been, how it will always be it seems.
I am always alone,
Living outside the fray which I am never to be part of.
Often when I am not filled with drink or smoke I long for the dance of the fray,
To have a moment or two where I can share a laugh with another,
Eye that is a dream
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lonliness of a quiet inbox
I often sit on my blackberry praying someone will email me. I know it sounds sad but even an email from my boss will do. People take for granted what friendship means. To me it is magic sprinkled upon me. It is something I so little of. Something so few give me.
Today I am sad because not one person has said gebadia I care. the silence echoes through me.
I am alone. Always alone and the pain it kills me. It is why I drink and smoke my life away.
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Friday, February 13, 2009
In another life...
In another life this morning we awake.
A tangled mess of arms and legs entwine,
Morning kisses in there realness so divine.
In another life I feed you breakfast in bed.
Juices, fruits and of course chocolates and whip cream,
Everything your heart did ever dream.
In another life upon a beach in barefeet, hand to hand we walk.
Pausing in a secret place only the two of us knew,
Where the passion of our love first grew.
In another life on a roof top over looking vineyards drinking wine we linger.
Letting the fragrances of the soil dance upon our tongues,
Reading the poems love bards of old would of sung.
In another life sitting upon a hill in my arms you lay.
Watching the warm day become the mysterious night,
In reds and oranges upon the sky the fairies dance in loves delight.
In another life your lips would meet mine when our minds ceased to dream.
Our bodies merge to and fro in panting sighs,
As lovers kisses is found in passions fired cries.
In another life, unable to move upon my chest you lay.
I pull your lips to mine hoping to have you a little more near,
because you my love, are who I hold most dear.
In another life...
A tangled mess of arms and legs entwine,
Morning kisses in there realness so divine.
In another life I feed you breakfast in bed.
Juices, fruits and of course chocolates and whip cream,
Everything your heart did ever dream.
In another life upon a beach in barefeet, hand to hand we walk.
Pausing in a secret place only the two of us knew,
Where the passion of our love first grew.
In another life on a roof top over looking vineyards drinking wine we linger.
Letting the fragrances of the soil dance upon our tongues,
Reading the poems love bards of old would of sung.
In another life sitting upon a hill in my arms you lay.
Watching the warm day become the mysterious night,
In reds and oranges upon the sky the fairies dance in loves delight.
In another life your lips would meet mine when our minds ceased to dream.
Our bodies merge to and fro in panting sighs,
As lovers kisses is found in passions fired cries.
In another life, unable to move upon my chest you lay.
I pull your lips to mine hoping to have you a little more near,
because you my love, are who I hold most dear.
In another life...
Please stop wishing me a happy valentines day
I am alone in abu dhabi, eating breakfast alone, I will sit in a cafe all day alone on my computer. There is nothing happy about a day for couples when you are alone. I will have sent flowers to bella and she won't even find time to email me I am certain of it so today is just a sad depressing reminder of how I am an after thought to the girl I love. How I will always be an after though. My heart cracks a little bit more each time I hear those words. Please if you are even a little bit human you will stop wishing me a happy valentines day. I have knowone. I have not had anyone for 5 years.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Please stop wishing me a happy valentines day
I am alone in abu dhabi, eating breakfast alone, I will sit in a cafe all day alone on my computer. There is nothing happy about a day for couples when you are alone. I will have sent flowers to bella and she won't even find time to email me I am certain of it so today is just a sad depressing reminder of how I am an after thought to the girl I love. How I will always be an after though. My heart cracks a little bit more each time I hear those words. Please if you are even a little bit human you will stop wishing me a happy valentines day. I have knowone. I have not had anyone for 5 years.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
You just don't understand
I will sit alone on another valentines day and a part of me will wish to find someone to be with.. someone to hold me... I can't remember the last time I spent the night in someones arms. I can't remember what it means to have someone say I love you. People don't know the loneliness I feel each and every day. How it drives you to do things that most would not understand. How people like me who live in hotels can't have real relationships.. that good girls don't go to your room after meeting you for 2 hours... no girl goes to my room anyways. I am so tried of being alone but I will be alone until the day I die. I ... do not know what to say ... I give up... Hookers or nothing and it is nothing I choose... and so another night I will drink myself to sleep.... every night it is like that. I try to hold on.. try to keep it together but I cannot... I cannot with out something distracting me from this echo inside me... I smoke.. I drink... I wait for ... this trip to see Bella is just a distraction. I have lost faith in myself. when a person feels no love for so long that is what happens.
Judge me but you do not know me. You do not know the insanity in side me each day...
Judge me but you do not know me. You do not know the insanity in side me each day...
Drunk with a bunch of of brits
I am sitting in an english pub in abu dhabi..thinking I am not a good guy with the stories I have. I need to be a better man. I am done being with anyone I do not love. Which means....bella or nothing because she has my heart..and will always have it sadly...
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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Why is love complicated?
We grow up with this myth I think that loves is this simple magical thing that just happens. Yet as we get older in life love is something we call complicated. I often think about this and wonder why. See I don't think love in itself is complicated. All love is at its core is saying this person who your eyes fall for is the most fantastic, wonderful person you will ever meet or at least it seems that way. They are your best friend, your confidant, your joy...I suppose I could on in regards to what love is for many pages because the truth is love is a million wonderful things... but is why is it complicated..
Maybe love isn't, maybe we are complicated. See the hard part about loving someone is the pain. Is knowing that another person who is flawed like us has the power to crush us completely. It is a hard thing to trust someone with our hearts. We have all these fears from life, these insecurities which arise when we feel something deeply for someone else. This makes us put up walls which hinder love. Often we lose the ability to talk freely with the person we love because we do not want to hurt them. Thus we stop getting to know them because maybe it hurts to dig deeper, we are afraid they will see our cracks and run. They will see the mistakes we have made and reject us. So in a way we stop opening up. We stop trusting the love, trusting the other person, we stop trusting them to love us because of our flaws because it is our flaws, our pain that has made us who we are in many ways. We also stop trusting the other person to be able to hear things that are hard and want to stay and work through things.
So maybe love is not what is complicated but it is trust that is complicated. Life makes you pay for trusting people..
I also think this idea that we have to be perfect, that we cannot have flaws is to blame. This world has so much fun pointing out flaws in others. It is our joy in many ways. We do it from the moment we start in school. We become afraid to be human.
In many ways I think people are lazy when it comes to love in that they don't think they should have to help the other be confident and that is why love fails. I have never had any success with love or girls so I am no expert but when I am with a girl I want her to know what I see in her. I want to tell her all the time why I see magic in her. I want her to know that there is nothing more amazing that sitting with her in a quiet room and hearing her thoughts. That even a simple text message is magic for me because the words, the thoughts come from her. I want her to feel confident in the way I feel about her because she is trusting me with her heart. That way she can live her life free without fear or doubt which often is like an anchor for us. I want her to know it is ok to be broken with me, to be honest...even when it is hard. It is not always easy. I am a sensitive man who at times fails to react properly... but I try.
The thing I find is a lot of people don't think they have to try. they don't think they should take the time to simply give the person they love a hug. Too often we spend our time watching TV, or reading a book even though we have this amazing wonderful person right next to us. Even though there will always be more magic in a single kiss which we so often take for granted. Even watching the person we love fall asleep can make time stop still if we only take the time to look. To tickle her kneck.. to brave the morning breath for a deep kiss to show the person that even when they are not person we still desire them..
It is coming up on Valentines day. I will be in a hotel in Abu Dhabi alone.. yet so many others won't. They will get up and order flowers, they might even do dinner..or some other grand gesture. I cannot help but wonder if a simple letter, an email sent to her at her work telling her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, they each day you still awake amazed that she chose you. That knowing her made this life which for all of us holds pain worth it. that the reason you go to a job you hate, the reason you suffer hamlets slings and arrows is because a smile from her makes it worth it...
but what do I know... truth is I hate vday because since when do you need a reason to show someone you love them?
Maybe love isn't, maybe we are complicated. See the hard part about loving someone is the pain. Is knowing that another person who is flawed like us has the power to crush us completely. It is a hard thing to trust someone with our hearts. We have all these fears from life, these insecurities which arise when we feel something deeply for someone else. This makes us put up walls which hinder love. Often we lose the ability to talk freely with the person we love because we do not want to hurt them. Thus we stop getting to know them because maybe it hurts to dig deeper, we are afraid they will see our cracks and run. They will see the mistakes we have made and reject us. So in a way we stop opening up. We stop trusting the love, trusting the other person, we stop trusting them to love us because of our flaws because it is our flaws, our pain that has made us who we are in many ways. We also stop trusting the other person to be able to hear things that are hard and want to stay and work through things.
So maybe love is not what is complicated but it is trust that is complicated. Life makes you pay for trusting people..
I also think this idea that we have to be perfect, that we cannot have flaws is to blame. This world has so much fun pointing out flaws in others. It is our joy in many ways. We do it from the moment we start in school. We become afraid to be human.
In many ways I think people are lazy when it comes to love in that they don't think they should have to help the other be confident and that is why love fails. I have never had any success with love or girls so I am no expert but when I am with a girl I want her to know what I see in her. I want to tell her all the time why I see magic in her. I want her to know that there is nothing more amazing that sitting with her in a quiet room and hearing her thoughts. That even a simple text message is magic for me because the words, the thoughts come from her. I want her to feel confident in the way I feel about her because she is trusting me with her heart. That way she can live her life free without fear or doubt which often is like an anchor for us. I want her to know it is ok to be broken with me, to be honest...even when it is hard. It is not always easy. I am a sensitive man who at times fails to react properly... but I try.
The thing I find is a lot of people don't think they have to try. they don't think they should take the time to simply give the person they love a hug. Too often we spend our time watching TV, or reading a book even though we have this amazing wonderful person right next to us. Even though there will always be more magic in a single kiss which we so often take for granted. Even watching the person we love fall asleep can make time stop still if we only take the time to look. To tickle her kneck.. to brave the morning breath for a deep kiss to show the person that even when they are not person we still desire them..
It is coming up on Valentines day. I will be in a hotel in Abu Dhabi alone.. yet so many others won't. They will get up and order flowers, they might even do dinner..or some other grand gesture. I cannot help but wonder if a simple letter, an email sent to her at her work telling her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, they each day you still awake amazed that she chose you. That knowing her made this life which for all of us holds pain worth it. that the reason you go to a job you hate, the reason you suffer hamlets slings and arrows is because a smile from her makes it worth it...
but what do I know... truth is I hate vday because since when do you need a reason to show someone you love them?
Unconditional love
I have discovered what it means to love someone without reservation or expectation in return...that is how I love bella...I am never going to love anyone like her..where I can share my soul, my cracks, my real self with. She is magic for me in a way. A person who I will open my soul to completely and if she loves me.. I am the luckiest man in the world, if she never does then I am... always sad in a way because I will alone for eternity, I will know what it means to be heathcliffe. To never have the love I have for another returned.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I drink I smoke I read
I am in one of the most amazing cities in the world. I am always in some amazing place or another. People say why don't you see the sites. I say I have no time but in truth my heart cannot bear it. I am tired of seeing the world alone. Everything bella said to me was a dream. Reading together, group, travelling..but she took it all back. She always did that. For me..when I attach a face to some reality and that face is gone so is that reality. I am losing places to live. I am losing dreams. So I need to run to a huse on a beach I do not own yet. Sit on the beach. Drink and smoke to shorten life and write my tales. Maybe I will be able to sleep now. I doubt it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I will be the best friend she ever had
But I will never let myself love or care deeply for another.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Cannot sleep
The anger is gone. The head hurts. I lost count of how times my heart has been shattered but this time it will never be better. I have no more glue. I am going to disapear I think. Dance away upon the clouds. Nobody will miss me or notice me when I am gone. Bella won't. I have always been an after thought to her. Something cute. She will forget me. They always do. I am the friend u never call, u never email. A shadow. Yes I am stuck in self pity. But it serves its purpose. Jasmone used my dick and left. They all find me amusing for awhile. And so today I go quiey. Gebalove is now ggeba because the love is dead.
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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Drunk and shattered
I love bella. I do not blame her but I will. Never love again. I will be her friend, her knight. I am not the type to fish again. I am a child and I love as a child and this world is not kind to such a man. I will leave my heart in dubai...or the pieces of it.. The poet is dead. The knight is all that remains.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Teach how to never care
I want to know how to never care again. How to take this heart of mine and bury it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I smoke and I drink
I am laying in my bed with scotch in one hand and a cigarette in another. It is all I do. I drink until I feel sleepy, I smoke until all I taste is cigarettes. I do not know how else to live. I am retreating into myself again. When I return home I will return to the green and lose myself again. This time I will not ever let myself venture forth. I will write my book. Tell my story. Make my millions and disapear to die from liver and lung failure. Die young as us poets do. Life is to hard to live long.
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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I am angry
I hate u god. I might even hate bella today but I don't hate bella at the same time. I can't hate her because I love her buit I am angry. I cannot say why. I cannot even explain myself. I can ony have another drink. I know now I will never let myself love again. I will never let myself get close. I will never let my words fall for another. I will be cold. I will use girls for whatever I need in the moment and leave them in the next. I have no heart and even as I say the words I know I am full of shit. I am always the poet which means always the fool. I think I will just stick to other mens girls like jasmine. No commitment, no gettinng hurt..well I did get hurt. I always get hurt. I am cursed.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
My only friend
She is kind my bella. She let's me write to her. Sometimes I think it is because of pity. Truth is since jasmine left me I have nobody else to tell my stories..to tell anything to. It is a terible thing to have nobody.. To know that you could sit at home and the only people who would call you is telemarketers.
She is also the only person that ever emails me back. I love my bella. I love her enough to be her friend.
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Friday, February 6, 2009
She does not want love
It is almost poetic looking at my life that the girl who made time stop would not want me. She says it is because she wants nobody..but I hear she does not want me. Logically I understand. But deep down I am still just a little boy asking to be loved, begging to be loved and being pushed away. It is the story of my life which I am going to tell.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I will always walk alone
In the shadows of the life I will always live, never apart, never totally free. Trapped by this desire for love. Trapped by this fear....that I am only meant to know the pain of life. I cannot find the courage anymore. My fear always wins. And so I leave this place I call home.. Give up this dream I call bella because I am not man enough to handle loving her as I know I do.
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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I fall asleep in tears
I asked her if she was eeing anyone else and told her I did not want her to. She has not answered yet. I am crying now. Tears they are burning as they fall down my cheeks. I am certain she will say she is and I will not know what to say or do. I just want a moment of peace with this girl. I just one pure moment with this girls who makes me tremble inside and this fear is ripping me apart inside. God please take it away.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
All I do is fuck up
I don't know what I am doing. It use to be easy. I meat a girl, she likes me but that was a lifetime ago. Now it is always complicated. I will drive her away. My madness will drive her away. I give up god. I am done with even trying. I give my life to you.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Monday, February 2, 2009
I do not check my analytics anymore
I have decided to quit worrying about who sees my blog.... I am hurting today inside... it is always like this a little with Bella... I feel useful and needed when her eyes fall on me... but alas they only fall for a short time. It is getting easier the with drawl....and there is withdrawl with her because she is like the sun. We think of such terms which I do not know how to spell as being only related to drugs but drugs give us withdrawl because they create euphoria... well if you had ever experienced my Bellas words you would understand there is Euphoria in her.. but alas I am just a knight... my blood does not run with the royal color needed to win her heart and so I must simply stand and protect. I must always be her rock when she needs me.. and be a memory when she does not. I try to focus on the moments she does fall to me... but at times the emptiness of the lonely night is hard. I am not saying it is not worth it. I will always be her knight. There is no hell I would not suffer for her... no dragon I would not face.. It is my role in this life... to be her knight.. but it is ok because I hope she does find her prince and I hope he will make her always happy. My mind and soul does not posses the purity to do such a thing. There is too much darkness in me I fear. Too much in my past to ever properly love her....
My love will always be wild... a fire that is destined to hurt instead of lift up. I do not look for love, only peace inside.
Bella and I...the reason
They say in life there is a reason why two people are brought together. You see in my heart there is a girl and it is Bella, it has always been Bella in their and will always be Bella... Bella is a butterfly in a harsh world. She is not like other people but delights in the dance of others. Me...life has asked me to live outside the forway..the chaos and so the joy I get is by seeing her dance through the randomness of life... but this world is not always kind to the girl in my facebook feed... at times it is hard and she forgets the magic that is inside her. It is on these times when the fairy dust on her wings is the least and she cannot fly... and that is when she returns to me... It is my honor as her knight to open up my heart and let her see herself as I see her... I am to remind her of why she is special and give her the courage to fly again... I am to take her sadness and pain away and carry it in my own heart... because that is what a knight must do for his princess... so she might fly again... and dance from rose to rose... at times it is hard but in the end it is always worth it for me because I know she is happy... and she is smiling and it gives me joy to know that in a small way I have helped bring that smile to her lips, that I have done some good because she is the sun in this sometimes dark world... and this world needs her brilliance..
And so even when it is quiet...when she is not near all I have to do is look at the evening sky and see the shimmering sunsets careress upon the wold and I know she is dancing once again...never the same, always breathtaking,...that is my Bella and I... it is our dance together.......
And so even when it is quiet...when she is not near all I have to do is look at the evening sky and see the shimmering sunsets careress upon the wold and I know she is dancing once again...never the same, always breathtaking,...that is my Bella and I... it is our dance together.......
Sunday, February 1, 2009
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