Buying love

I am not ashamed to say after Asha I tried to buy affection in a way. I suppose that has always felt apart of me. My fight with TJ brought that up today. I tried that will Polly too and it nearly cost me a chance with her. She was the first girl to tell me I don't need to do things like that.

I got really angry at TJ. I always hated the way she said the rest of the world is jealous of America. I told her today that aint true anymore. I regret saying that because most americans I know are salt of the earth good people. Even TJ but her whole knowledge of the world is found in books. She has no idea of the world in person.

Ahhh I hate feeling this way. I am scared. I sent one text after she told me not to contact her. 2 actually and I regret that. It is nothing. Still fucks me up. She is nobody. Why do I care?
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I am angry

As you know I dated this girl in the US. I call her TJ and today she texted me. Usually I am a subserviat bitch to her but not today. Today we get into a text fight because she says I can only get hookers. I said hookers and gold diggers like yourself. She was a gold digger. With her you had to pay for everything. She is one of thos people who can give it but can't take it. So she says don't contact me. I say good luck with your engagement. She calls me an idiot, I say fuckoff.

I am feeling angry right now that I let that selfish ass bitch get to me.
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What is romance?

Most people when they think of romance they think of dinner, wine, candlelights and flowers. The superficial type scenes we have been indocrinated by hollywood to think is romantic. For most of my life I thought this was romance. It was about the enviroment. You do these things and romance just happens. I was wrong.



Romance is a feeling that has nothing to do with your surroundings but an electric connection found between two people where the world fades leaving only you and the person next to you. It is when you find yourself next to some and find their presence erotic. It is finding the courage to dance in a public restaurant even though nobody else is. It is dancing on a beach or rocks under a rainbow, while she sings in your ear.



Romance is wanting to take things slow, not rushing to some conclusion, instead taking your time and enjoying each moment. Like a slow dancing even when you are just doing dishes or watching tv inside your heart.



I never kissed the girl I will call Melo from now on in Malta but just being in her presence was more romantic than any moment with any other girl. And romance is something the young will rarely know. For me the most erotic moment of my life was when she burpedz. Fuckin wierd I know.

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Men and romance

I think I want this blog to change from love and me to really explore men and romance because I believe it is a lost art and in many ways the male romantic is being lost.  It is about sex, sex, sex and there are a great deal of men who like the slowness of romance... nobody write poetry...so few understand romance.. how to savior the process of making love... it is all about doggy style or fucking... or 3somes.. we have made making love just sex...and so this blog now will focus on exploring the male romantic...

A new angle on gebalove...

I have decided to take a new approach to gebalove.  Sure it will still feature posts about the crazy feelings love causes in my life but most of those feelings are gone as I have simply accepted the reality I will love one girl and one girl for the rest of my life and no other... so instead I want to talk about the great love stories of our world, of imagined worlds, share poetry and also look at different ways we can show people we love them...

Long days

What can any man say when the woman of their dreams is so far away. All I want from this app, this life, it find a way to you my love, my everafter, my dream. For eternity we shall dance beneath the stars in the night sky. I do not even desire other woman because the best version of me is you my princess.
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To a friend

I met a girl on facebook, I flew to Malta to see her... we never kissed, we never made love... I sat in church while she prayed trying not to feel anything...we danced on the rocks of malta beneath a rainbow as she sang words to god...

She knows all my flaws, all my cracks and broken parts and still wants to know me and might even someday love me...  and she prays for me.. she wants me to find god.. to love god like she does...  I tremble because such a thing I must do for myself.. pascels wager is a false one because god is not something you find in a bet... it is not something that is easy.. finding god is a struggle each and every day.. it changes who you are..

but I would love this girl even if she were a none.. even if I would never get to kiss her or taste her or be with her... we danced in a restarant, we danced upon the rocks, we will dance in paris.. we will dance across the world...

I love her family, her father, her sister, her mother...  I don't know what I am writing.. I am lost in this moment in some reality I never imagined... perhaps that is what love really is... where it extends past some physical sensation.. where all you want is the other person to be happy, to smile.. where such joy is found in seeing their dreams come true...

She is my princess and I her knight... such silly words I suppose but you woudl understand..

What is love...

My whole life I have struggled with what love is...  my father was a complete and utter idiot who ran from girl to girl after my mother left him looking for someone to make him whole...even leaving his kids at home feeling very unloved...never caring to make their dreams come true... let me tell you now.. if you are a single parent your kids come before your happiness and if they don't you are a bad parent, the worst parent.  When you have kids their happiness becomes before you own.  Where was I ahh love... my father was off being an idiot while my mother struggled to raise her children with no help from this man who went to courst to reduce his child support from $50 a month to $25 a month... my sisters forgave him I did not and never will and he will always be dead to me.. my father was my old basketball coach and those who live in this ideal world where you have to make peace with people to be happy, I made peace a long time ago that I am worth more than $50 a month and the hurt and stress my father caused my mother.. the days I went without food... can and will not be forgotten or ever forgiven.  When he gets down on his knees and begs my mother and gives her $10 000 then he can have me back in his life.  You don't fuck with my mother and get away with it...

 

Funny how I am trying to talk about love and end up sharing the pain of my life because love is about being able to share the pain of your life with someone.....  but today I want to share the best moment of my life... it was sitting in the back of a bus and looking at someone and knowing I loved the girl completely with all my heart and I would for eternity and it never need to be more than it was in that moment.. it never needed to be actualized... I just loved who she was... who she is.. who she will be..  maybe I think that is what love is when it isn't about sex... it isn't about recieving or giving it is this peaceful wash of emotion that comes over you... where it does not need... anything.. it just is... the world falls away... because with this girl.. it never matters to me if it ever becomes more than friendship... it humbles me in a way that words fail to describe... because I know I was so wrong about love up to this moment.. I know I had no idea about what it meant..

 

True love is when you free yourself from want and need and it is replaced by peace.. this inner desire where all that matters to you is that person is happy... even if they are never happy with you but with someone else your heart dances because they are happy... I don't know if I am making any sense because maybe their is no sense to be had.. the light doth dance from her skin..

 

People say Facebook makes things unpersonal but I will always love facebook in a way... because of the gift it gave me... a deep wonderful friend who I will cherish for my life... 

 

 

Malta girl

The first night in Malta was not good...my expectations got in the way.. I got angry at her because she did not come see me that night...  then she told me her friend got in a car accident.. and that I needed to focus on friendship.. it was not looking good..

then day 2 came and we met up in Vedatta or however it is spelled and this is like this little castle they call call a city... malta is like that as each building seems to have a story to tell, you can almost hear the whispers of the past as you walk through it.  My mother would love this place... after walking for awhile and I hate walking we sat and talked.. she let me hold her hand and it was the most magical feeling I ever felt.  All we did was hold hands.. It is funny but holding her hand was better than any kiss I have ever had. 

Day 3...  have you ever had a perfect day? She wearing this long black coat...I have never found anyone more attractive in all my life... we walked and we walked along the ocean or sea or whatever it is called, they have these rock beaches and I tell her everything.  We end up getting sushi and she burps... lol.. I tell you girl...it was the sexiest burp I ever heard.. I remember you my friend talking about embarrassing moments and the thing is when you love someone..they are magical because they are them...  does that make sense... she lets me hold her in my arms and we just talk, laugh.. and then we walked and she bought me a necklace...one of those manly guy ones and we go to some type fo pub... where we order a milkshake from one straw and then we dance a slow song together and I stare into her emerald eyes and tell her I love her..

I don't care what happens with the rest of my life because I have had a perfect moment... nothing that happens to me now can take that moment away from me..nothing...

Distant

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. My madness has been hard on me. I fell again. At times I guess I feel very insane, others I feel normal. Low to high to normal. My mind is fractured.
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Lost my passport receipt

Will they give me my passport? I have a drivers licesne, birth certificate. That should work.
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