So you tried to steal my dogs

Some mother fucker in a Brown truck with the with the lisence plate TTX 051 in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, went to the gate in my back yard and tried to open it after trying to feed my dogs Shadow and Java...  if you are the man who got out and tried to take my dogs and if you are the lady who sat in the truck while your idiot man tried to feed your dogs... now you online... you are publisized.. you are Gebasized and you should be glad I wasn't there cause I would take a fucken baseball bat to your head.. fuck with me but do not fuck with my animals... they are my dogs... You really don't understand what people will do for there animals.. we fucken local.. you do not touch our dogs.. you do not feed my dogs... if I have to put an electric fence up and wait for you I will... and if I catch you believe me I will make you a chew toy for my dogs...  if you know who has this license plate.. this man and woman like to lurk in dark alleys.. check fences and offer dogs food...

See I don't take people messing with animals.. all animals ever do is love people.. they give love unconditional.. my dogs make me smile... and believe me I would rip your fucken head off if I ever catch you motherfuckers near my dogs again..

Now I feel guilty

I feel guilty because I hate saying such words... because I do still love her... love you gyspy girl but you were not kind with my heart... you did not treat my heart right... you didn't...

I want to scream at her

I want to scream at her... I want to say how could you say such things and not mean any of them.. how could you promise a man so much and then take it away.. and then claim to care about me.... I would of be fine if you had just stuck to friendship but no you had to try me out... you said you were going to have faith, going to believe.. yet how fickle your faith was... instead of talking to me about things, you simply do what you do which was rip my heart from my chest...

And the thing is even the remains... the tendons of where my heart was still just love you...  why can't I hate you.. I want to hate you... yet I still just love you... I still want to be your friend... how pathetic am I ... the sadest, most pathetic man to ever live...

End of a poet

As I sit here going through the multitude of poems I wrote for her I now realize at 32 my heartr is officially dead.  I will never love another woman again...  I will walk this world alone...  I tried... I gave everything I had... and she gave me words back that held no true meaning... just someone who got caught up in the high of the moment and when the smoke settled there was nothing there for me... 

I do believe in god but I think god hates me because my life has been nothing but sadness... the only time I ever was happy was when she was in my arms... now that I am just a friend to her...  To give you an idea how much she means to me I am moving to Malta to be her friend...  but my heart... well that is another matter.. I am the only walking talking human being with no heart...

I am a priest now... I will never touch or hold another person in my life....  I will be alone for ever...

Why is being gay better?

Being a lover of woman... I got to tell you sometimes I wish I was gay... math is easier than the female mind.  They always expect you to know what the heck they are thinking without ever telling us... are you kidding me.. how the hell do we know what is wrong if you don't just tell us...  a least a gay guy would cry and tell us... not this girl.. not gyspygirl... she gets cause up in the moment... loses herself and then goes oh shit after seeing me all lovy dovy... I have to ignore everything she says and pretend it is nothing if I want to be with her.  she can't think she is in a relationship.  It is crazy being with but if she feels like she is commited it is like betraying god.. if god made a girl that beautiful he did not mean for her..aw shucks how I love her... I got to be her friend.. always be her friend.. when god do I get her to say be my husband.. I want to marry her with all my heart... I believe once you get past all the brokeness we are star crossed lovers.....we will get ther.. she will se as she gets to know me beneath.. if I ever had somebody believe in me enough to marry me... if I had her I would be the most confident man alive... there would be nothing I could not accomplish...

I will tell you why being gay would be better.. basically it is about how men have joysticks..

Did I ever tell you that I kind of have a history of biting people.. u like stories this is a fun one

I remember vaguely going to my friends party in his basement.  I have a two liter pepsi with a micky of whisky.. or maybe a 26..  I decided I was going to get drunk.. I did and a girl wandered near and I bit her...  I found this out actually a few years later because I had no clue.. she showed me the scare on her leg...I bit her enough to scar...

That was the first time... the second time was during a basketball game...  the last basketball game I ever played..  girl I was a brute during basketball... In high school I told someone I would murder him if he touched my players again...  at kings college and Christian school I told this guy at some baptist collge I was the fucken antichrist at the free throwline... my own teamate told on me..

 Teams and players were usually scared of me cause I was goon girl...  I always hated guards because they got to dribble the ball and I wanted the ball... so when they came in to rebound... I would crush them... they would go flying and I would smile...  Nobody outworked me.. not even once... coach didn't believe in me which was the hardest part... he was in love with potential and athletism over fundemental basketball... when you play basketball it is mostly what you do when you are on the floor that matters... my coach never understood that... he still doesn't grasp the subtle aspects of the game...

so we were in our last game  I dove for a ball in a scrum...two guys wrestling over a ball... I was like we are losing.. the ref can't see so I am going to bite his arm..

He started screaming I bit him.. I was like who me..  Later he appoligised... I said why I bit you...

I need to move to Malta..

She is a funny girl... the most difficult and frustrating girl alive... she has broken my heart 3 or 4 times already...she promises to blog for me without realizing she had no time, a heart that wants to try so much... then in a moment of insecurity on her part she is interested in me.. sends me a video of her without makeup... can you believe that... a video without makeup.. I feel in love with her when she sent that video.. time slowed for me...  I knew I would love her for the rest of my life... I am screwed though cause I am having an affair with a girl in Toronto... a girl with a husband to see...  I got to see this girl one more time and tell Malta girl cause I am torn up about it...  I am a all or none person and Jasmine TO girl is expecting to get devoured, taken advatange off and make a very very bad girl... a total minx in the sack.. I am not into it... I get soft during.. and then needing pron to finish... she didn't come the next night... and Gypsy girl ... she  tells me she can't be with me because she is crying over some guy...  I fell apart a little but manage to send her a very sweet gift for Christmas.. and then she is all in... for a couple of weeks till she is not all in because I am too much...

 

It breaks my heart for the second time... I fall apart and email her way too much.. way too much lost in the depression which always touches my soul... for some reason I cannot fathom she still agreed to see me... She makes it clear only friendship and we fight about it the first night as she goes to hang with friends and sending me to the hotel with her dad... she has more important things to do...  After that it was magic, dances in the restarants, under a rainbow... we were always touching... having perfect moments where magic was happening... her head shook...  she was all in again as she cried in my arms as I left...  She healed my heart and we never kissed...

 

She asked me to come back soon... and this time at the airport we kissed...  she said she would marry me.. I was scared... because I didn't know how to act... it was too fast.. but she told me to just buy her a cheap ring and ask again...  I got lost in my fear and started making it about physical intamcy...  she tried to tell me as much... and then just before we are to meet her firends she says I want only to be friends this got wierd... I couldn't speak...  but god gave us time to work through it and cry... and we were ok... my heart broke a 3rd time...  then the next night she does the same thing after church.. we cry and have this beautiful night...she says she could never imagine any night be any good as that..

We have two amazing nights and she cries in my arms... as we dance to some sappy coutry song about I do...  we agree to let life just happen.. we will believe in ourselves...  I am tired.... she sends me an email with the title... I am breaking up with you email which I think was a joke...  I just was too tired, too insecure to get it....  It was what I was most afraid of.. Dominos as I fell apart.. good job Gebadia...  my heart breaks as my fear and insecurities are alive in my soul...  she fights for me when she should tell me to fuck off.. she fights for my soul.. she is my garding angel..  I am in love with her...

I told her I would never sleep, kiss, touch or be with another person as long as I live but her.. even if she does not choose me..  we talk silly like that...

We screwed things up because I forgot to make her more important than her body...  she felt she had to fall in love with me in a week...

Now she is going to let me move to Malta but as friends...  I don't how I will afford to do it but I am going to in 4 months.. She is my only friend.. only one that has ever fought for me...

I ain't going to lie I will always want her heart... I will always just be me.. the guy who is head over hills over a girl.. I would love her forever even if she were to become a none which apparently is an option...

I have to move for me... Edmonton is killing me... My sadness lives in Edmonton.. the most depressing city in the world for me....  If it is to work with Gypsygirl... it has to happen naturally...  we have to be friends.. back to friends.. maybe we will finally get it right if I can just get to Malta...

What would do to be near the girl you love.. even if she does not love you:) not yet but she will.. how could they not love the gebadia...

I have been a screw up my whole life... I need god to help me not screw this up because she is the love of my life.. and I need to be brilliant all the time... I have to be spetacular.. I have to quit pot...  get in shape, be successful.. get enough people to add my facebook app so I can get funding and get my dream of being an internet wizkid...so I can move to Malta for a friendship... with her gypsy princesss...

Men need their porn...

Do not ever let yourself love another

If I had any advice to give it would be to never let love enter your heart. Life is easier without love. If I look at the moments when I am most unhappy it is when I dared to let myself love someone. I will never make that mistake again. This last time is the last time I will ever kiss, touch or hold a woman. I am by all rights a priest.
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God is dead in me

I have lost my faith and will forever walk alone in the valley of death.  God will never walk in this heart as I have given my heart to another and had it rejected...I have given everything I am to someone and been told I feel nothing. 

God is dead in me

I have lost my faith and will forever walk alone in the valley of death.  God will never walk in this heart as I have given my heart to another and had it rejected...I have given everything I am to someone and been told I feel nothing. 

God is dead in me

I have lost my faith and will forever walk alone in the valley of death.  God will never walk in this heart as I have given my heart to another and had it rejected...I have given everything I am to someone and been told I feel nothing. 

These poems rock

> > WOMAN'S POEM
> >
> > Before I lay me down to sleep,
> > I pray for a man, who's 
> > not a creep,
> > One who's handsome, smart 
> > and strong.
> > One who loves to 
> > listen long,
> > One who thinks before 
> > he speaks ,
> > One who'll call, not wait 
> > for weeks.
> >
> > I pray he's gainfully 
> > employed,
> > When I spend his cash, 
> > won't be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and 
> > opens my door,
> > Massages my back and begs 
> > to do more.
> > Oh! Send me a man who'll make 
> > love to my mind,
> > Knows what to answer to 'how 
> > big is my behind?'
> > I pray that this man will 
> > love me to no end,
> > And always be my very 
> > best friend.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > MAN'S POEM
> >
> > I pray for a deaf-mute 
> > nymphomaniac with huge boobs
> > who owns a liquor store and a 
> > golf course. This
> > doesn't rhyme and I don't 
> > give a shit. Yeah.

Ignorant people are why those who suffer don't get help...

That reaction I got from that girl in the office is why I never got help.  Why I spent so much time alone trying to kill myself without killing myself.  Because too often people don't take you seriously.  They don't take the time to care.  They simply assume because they are strong enough you should be to, which is so stupid.  I use to be able to dunk a basketball, so therefore by that logic why can't you?  It amazes me that we still don't get that our feelings are controled by chemicals in the brain.  We know where emotion comes from, we know the chemicals that cause it yet since we cannot see the manifestation of it with our own eyes then it must not be real. 

 

People like the girl in my office are why those who do suffer commit suicide, turn to drugs or other activities.. because getting help, asking for it is asking to be treated either like a leopard.. or being minimalized... 

 

Perhaps tonight I will shave my chest, I will take pictures of the scars upon my body and you can see how it was very real for me... and then can you imagine the scars I have inside.. because growing up I never understood why I felt such lows and such highs.  Nobody cared to tell me or talk to me about it.. nobody gave me the tools to deal... my tools were pills, drugs, random sex and a razor blade... 

 

Thanks....

Depression and Seasonal affective disorder are real you fucken idiots

Have you ever sat in a closet running a running a razor blade over your skin, watching the blood drip from your arm because life hurt so much you just needed to numb the pain inside by making it hurt on the outside.  Have you ever developed arthritus in your hips because you spent so much time laying on your side from watching movie after movie afraid to live in the real world.  Have you ever stopped listening to music because of how feeling anything could make your life spin out of control?  Have you ever dreams of dying.. 

 

I hate how logical people like this new girl in my office deminimalize all forms of mental illness... all people suffer from SAD..seasonal affective disorder.  Take some vitamin D she says and I say go fuck yourself you ignoramic fool...  All people don't have the fear manifest itself so strongly that leaving the house, getting out of bed is the scariest thing in the world.  Go fuck yourself for taking what has been hell for me and making it seem small.  You don't have a fucken clue.  Go stick your head in a fucken blender because you have just insulted numerous people who suffer from real pain.. pain that is not fixed by saying it does not exist.  3-5 times.. I do not remember I have fallen so hard that I lost everything.. my friends, my family still does not talk to me except my mother, my job, school... life for me completely fell apart.. I laid in my basement, sad, alone, pathetic watching movie after movie... not living not dying.. I would take 10 gravol each night and even when I awoke... I would cut my arms... burn hot metal into them...

 

Don't ever tell me it is nothing...

 

I am terrified I won't make it...

I feel as if I am trapped in a life I do not want.  There is a girl on the other side of the world who has told me to get a cheap ring and ask her to marry me but I cannot even though I want nothing more than to spend an eternity with her.  the problem being I am 32 living at home in my mothers basement suite.  This app I am building started off as a way for me to move some wheres with more sun because I suffer from sever seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and each winter here in Edmonton it is like all my happiness is taken from me.  Now it has become a way to move to Malta to be with her.  Problem is my engineer in India...I am using India because the local company here failed to deliver on its promise and I ended with a disk of half finished code and 10g's in the hole. 

where was I oh yah India.. she doesn't know anything about hosting and it is fucking things up.  I feel overwhelmed...like I will never get a chance to be with my true love..I used the last little bit of cash I have to fly to Malta one more time because it might be the last time I can afford to meet the girl of my dreams...  Maybe this last week with her on borrowed money will be enough to sustain me through the rest of my life because I just don't have enough money, even if I had stayed in Edmonton and focused on the app to succeed.  It is not the money..I need help..I need someone to believe in me enough to help me. 

I have good ideas... I have almost finished one of them and I just need some help getting to the finish line so I might be able to spend my life with the girl of my dreams...

I called her fat...

Gebalove...my battle with love

I am not a freak if I met a girl online

Going to malta again.

I am always silly when it comes to love, pushing myself to finacial ruin just to see a girl. I am spending 3000 to see malta girl again. I was happy with her. I havet been happy in so long. I doubt it will be as good the second time. But maybe it will be better. I don't know. 15 hours on a plane is a lot for any trip. Most days I was half dead when we met.
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What is a sonnent? What are they useful for?

One of the big problems with poetry is people really have no understanding what poems are good for or at least not in a romantic type senario and it is my opinion that most of you do not understand a sonnet is just flirtation. It is a poets way with eligance to say I like you, you are beautiful. The reasons I say most of you don't get this is because most girls nowadays if you gave them a poem would look at you like you were an idiot. You would scare them away.

This is why most girls bore me.
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