Dating Chronicles: How shemales helped me pick up a girl in New Orleans?

Dating Chronicles: When shemales helped me pick up a girl..

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I was a mess... on my first trip for my new job to New Orleans. First time I have really been out of Canada and am scared shitless. I am with this guy I will call bob because I don't use real people's names..

Now I know you will say African American but she said she wasn't African which isn't technically true if you ask 50% of us. Those who believe in evolution and know that we all kind of came from Africa and the evolution of what we would term race is just those traits that gave us an advantage in those different climates. Genetically speaking we are all generally the same,

She was an amazing woman.. hard though.. and I was not enough man for her...

Bob and I went out to watch the Suns - Mavs game in the playoffs. On Burbon Street which is rather dirty there are two sections, the gay and straight. We picked the place in the middle. Bob is this well dressed good looking Asian fellow. If you were gay you would love him, if he was gay that is... I am this slightly overweight 6'4 230 with short hair. I got these long blue basketball shorts, this bright  yellow brazil football jersey. I look like your basic loser.

Now they don't show the shemale bars in the commercials but there are real live shims, chicks with dicks.. more about that later..

So Bob being the friendliest mofo I ever met, a regular Mr. Fuckin Rogers befriends a 4 some of 1 guy who speaks a strange dialect of English.. some southern drawl that sounds worse than newfanese.. I have no idea what he is saying...and 3 girls..

There was this very odd white girl.. she just sort blurted out things.. terrets.. out of the blue the oddest craziest shit... sorry for the white black classification.. but that is the first thing we see when we see people isn't it.. the color of the skin.. it is hard not to.. they were all American, 3 were black and one was white, and then we see them as people.. then we get to know them.. because of how we are trained to think.. in our movies, our books, we create genres about people... you are black before you are a woman, you are chinese before you are a man. Before we define a person, we define their race, make assumptions.. media driven stereotypes creep in.. and maybe that is why we can never get past it...

I remember being on a plan and this really nice muslim doctor was sitting next to me. She was on her way home from Chicago flying through vegas. I took a gravol and passout on the window.. when I woke up she is doing that muslim prayer they do.. you will when you go to Dubai and the Taxi says hold on I got to go pray... And so I am groggy, not really awake and I look over.. first thought that goes through my mind was..

Oh fuck I am going to die!!!

It surprised me...but it understandable... TV, movies, news makes it hard to trust Arab people... we pretend it doesn't but it does.. nobody wants to say it.. it is not racist, it is programming.. just like Arab people don't hate Americans naturally, their propaganda has brainwashed them too.. ours is just more subtle... done through movies, TV, fear, religion.. We learned from Hitler than given the right information, the right inputs, you could get a nation of people to commit horrid acts... we are brainwashed and controlled and your idiot if you don't see that... it is why facebook is so important.. we must seek to dispell these myths through just getting to know people..

Where was I...

TJ was this tall, beautiful black woman, she has this huge hair in those little braids, glasses and this sexy ass body.. and she was smart, a teacher... she knew shit and she knew it faster than me.. truth was she was way out of my league but she liked fuddly guys...

Now Bob is paying for things on the company credit card, I am ordering rounds of drinks... hot girl is into me... I am into her.. You know how most guys would order something safe if they were going to offer a girl a drink.. I am the type whose idea of a pick up is getting two tequilas and saying lets do shots. I want a girl who will spice it up.. The girls I meet in Edmonton are boring.. sorry ladies.. but it is so nice when a girl isn't afraid to be bossy. A girl who will tell you exactly how to treat them. What.. you expect us to know, we can barely figure us out... let alone you...sorry.. cause girls confuse me...

Where was I? So I am the type of guy to take things to a whole new level.. a place where nature and nuture get muddy..the whole trannie, shemale, shim, chiks with dicks thing.. it is quite disconcerting to us men the whole tranny thing.. A tranny features the 3 things we value most in this world. Tits, ass, and penis. Call me what you want and if facebook censors this go to Gebalove.com for my more controversial posts...but if we hat tits and a hotass what the hell would you need a girl for.. you could just jerk off to yourself... What.. like you need us anymore... since you discovered the butterfly you don't really need us anymore... if you don't know what that means.. ask your mom..lol

They say you have to push the limits.. watch facebook ban me.. it will be on gebalove.com....

So we go to this tranny bar which is a whole in the ground... I pull out my creditcard and order Tequila for everyone.. she brings the tequila and my card bounces in front of this girl.. I like grab my buddy and say pay for this... then we get kicked out because we weren't tipping the dancers..

After a few more stops we end up back at there place. Bob leaves and me and TJ are on the couch. I try to kiss her but she is giving me the cheek.. then she falls asleep on me and man I have the worst headache.. but there is a hot girl asleep on me, you never move a hot girl sleeping on you.. you are too amazed.. there is a hot girl on you.. that is not right..

Honestly you don't even pinch yourself because a hot girl sleeping on you is still a good dream..
so I sat there and tickled her face for 2 hours as she slept.. then her other friend came home and I carried TJ to bed... and as I pulled away she kissed me, this warm deep, wonderful kiss.. one of those moments.. you remember for life as perfect...

In this one little spot, in this one little world I got to walk home, through the streets of burbon holding that kiss on my lips and in my heart....

Did you puke leanne?

Posted via email from Gebalove

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What words can heal a broken heart?

To live with a broken heart is to live with no happiness because the sadness is all you have left... a memory of the love...that still burns inside almost turning in on itself, tearing you apart from the inside out.  They have drugs for all sorts of things but when love is lost not even time can heal all the wounds.. instead you simply hope it numbs it enough so you can survive but the problem is so much around us reminds us of the one we love.. and what if the very sun itself were to remind us... what would that mean.. should I lock myself away... what if you knew you would never meet another girl like the one you just had.. we love to say we will because that gives us comfort.. but it is just as logical to assume we shant... I shall never settle you see and so from this day on I shall be a priest walking the world alone.. never to be held or touched again by a woman for her lips are the last lips I wish to ever touch these lips.. her fingers will be the last to touch this face of mine.. she will be the only girl I will ever dance with...  I shall walk this world never to feel the touch of love again.... it is the price I pay for my sins.. for being weak as a child... it is my burden to bear... I shall never know the one joy I have always dreams of since I was a little boy.. that of holding the one I love while she cradles our child in her arms... 

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I just can't get out of bed today

For most people the act of getting up and going to work or school or out must seem bearable.. today for me it is not... I have failed you see... I am back on antidepressants..  the problem is I still do not have anything to look forward to in my life...  I still am just a lonely man sitting by his computer hoping a friend will come to chat, send him a kind word.  Unfortunately for me that rarely happens... I have built this application http://cybersweetness.com and it is nearly done but I built it in hopes of finding someone to share this journey with... now that it is nearly done there is no joy for me... none.. because I am still alone, not finding one kindred spirit, not one person to stay up late with and work through marketing plans, business plans, future development plans.. to play my games online which would promote my application as I zing through the web as Gebadia Smith...

There is so much more I could do with it to if I just had.. someone to share it with... see if you want some advice from me... friendship is the most important thing in life.. it is all that matters.. love comes and goes but friendship is eternal... 

For me I have no friends here in Edmonton... and even if I could I don't know if I would be able to hang with them because they knew me a long time ago.. when I was a diffrent man, not this broken man before them....

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I am not well

Maybe it is the dark energy that causes these boughts of sadness.. Maybe it is the fact it is simply too hard to be happy. People all think I am silly for giving up on love..see she doesn't really understand.. I can't tell her the truth.. How do you show someone how completely shattered u are as a human being inside? How do I tell her that I simply cannot let myself be happy because everytime in my life I have let myself feel happiness..something always takes away that happiness.. I can't tell her that watching, feeling the happiness being taken this time.. Having the girl of your dreams say.. She will introduce you to her friends as the man you will marry to just a friend a week later... To just a common friend.. It broke me.. After that I will never be able to let any woman, ever her love me... If you read deep into my blog.. You can see how fucked up I am..

I can have faith in god.. I can be the best friend she ever had.. I can even say she was right to do what she did but my heart was too cracked already... I have given happiness the boot and embraced the sadness.. My body is falling apart.. I drink every night.. I take pills to sleep.. I have embraced the madness of the dark energy...

Don't feel sorry for me.. It is just the only way I can survive.. Happiness for me is simply too dangerous.. The highs r wonderful but my mind can't handle the the crash down.. I am just going to stay where I know I am safe and avoid the happiness..

I am going to give up on love.. I told her when she broke my heart I would never kiss another, hold another, be with another and I shant.  I have always been a slut after heartbrake..

Its still hard.. She made me want kids..  Only one other girl ever made me feel like that asha.. When I am done finding the 5 daughters of Chaos.. I shall leave this place.. Shall be free.

check out my app the cats made me build http://cybersweetness.com

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Every man should see this

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/slaves/

In my life... the man behind the story of GEbadia I have been to two prostitutes... a BJ as part of doing business in China and a BJ on vacation in the DR.  OFten when you do business in Asia sex is still part of the equation and in the DR they say 85% of the woman are prostitutes because of the bad economy.  I never really saw or understood the effect this stuff has on the woman.  You justify it as helping them feed their families.. and maybe one could argue that without the selling of sex...they wouldn't eat which is a sad commentary on our world but realistically most of these girls never get any of the money... it goes to some pimp...

I watched this show and am embarrassed to have ever fallen so far from god to...  I joke about girls and sex and relationships but woman are not objects.. they are people wiht feelings, emotions, thoughts.. people.. people.. and that is something it took me a long time to learn...

This show helped...
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The things we do not want to remember....

When I was around 6 or 7 my parents separated.  Being so young I didn't really know what that meant.  My dad was an idiot but I still cannot imagine the pain it would cause me to lose the woman if I had children with her.  I guess a lot of people do.. My dad took me and my older sister to live on an Island called Hunter Island just off the coast of BC.  He was going to become a trapper.  That was my dad and maybe I am like him trying to find a place we fit in this world.  Maybe that is the curse I am left with.  To walk the world alone trying to find a place to fit.  The difference between my dad and I is that I cannot settle as he has with his current wife. 

There were two families and a chicken coup when we arrived on the island.  To get there we would ride on this large flat power boat.  The family which we were situated next to was this strange wife and husband couple with a son about my age which was about 7 or 8 at the time.  The guy who I will call Rudy wore army combats all the time, apparently during some war a tank drive over him.  He didn't talk much and spent most times alone.  I remember clams. I hate clams because they left this rubbery arm in them and my dad made me eat them.  As children we all have those moments where we have to swallow something that makes us want to puke.

I should correct myself because we didn't live with this family, we lived in the old Chicken coup which had a two floors.  It was me, my older sister and my father.  We didn't have much and what we did the mouse took.  See we would have a chocolate bar and each day we would get a square of chocolate.  Then that dam mouse took our chocolate bar.  I was deprived as a child :)  My dad would cook these soggy crackers between smoking pot and singing songs on his guitar.  He was sad I think. 

Me being a kid in a whole island, well it was a little bit of heaven.  A world full of adventure but leave it to me to want to impress the other boy whose name was Tom.  I remember him making it a game who could kiss my older sister.  I remember kissing her on the cheek and then my dad taking me aside and explaining you don't kiss your older sister. 

How fucked up a child must of I been to not know that?  As I look back now I am still disgusted with myself.  All I wanted was someone to like me.  Someone to want to be my friend.  To fit in... I don't know if this was the reason my sister and I do not talk to eachother.  Why in the 30 years I have known her she has never taken me out for coffee and never once said anything nice about me.  Of all the people in my life she hurts me the most because I always feel as if she wishes I never existed... that she wonders the same thing I wonder and why did god make me... I mean all I do is drink, smoke and wait to die.  Like I am running to cancer.
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She breaks me

I don't know what I did to deserve this lord. To give my words in hopes you might care gypsy princess.. To only ever hear silence. How many words shall I write until you see this prince standing before you? Why did you say the things you did if you intended to break my heart? To rip it from my chest and stamp down on it. Why do I still try, why do I stay when you I am an after thought to you? I am the most pathetic man in the world. Waiting and hoping for the girl who once again doesn't even care enough to text me. I am a fool.
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My life will never be the same

It is 11:45PM at night and I am sad... nothing new I am always sad because fora moment in my life I was truly happy when she said  "I will introduce you to my friends as the man I will marry":  and then 4 days later I was just her friend.  Since then I have fought through the sadness which took over my soul and left me alone on my bed crying hoping life would take me...  I have struggled to the point where I can be her friend but I have not smiled since then and I will never truly be happy again.  I am 32 years old, a man who wonders why god made him, why he was put on this earth.  Each day I take something to help me sleep, when I am able to force myself out of bed I go to work.  I struggle through the day, then I go home and with either booze or green smoke I try to make it through the night..  in the meantime I work on my facebook app, trying to convince people to use it when I do not use it myself because of what it has cost me.. how I am so much in debt where I can't live the life I want.. trapped by the finacial wieght of a FAcebook app which cost too much to create...  I know I can do funny videos, I can succeed by I feel as if my heart is drowning me...  I go to sleep hoping she will email me.. and then that day is good because when she notices me night becomes day and when she does not day becomes night.. I live only because I am too much of a coward to die...

Not that she cares.. or maybe she does.. I guess her staying through my sadness is her showing she cares but to know a text message would mean so much to me and not send it, to never wish me goodnight or good morning... I am cursed you see because the moments with her were the best of my life.. moments that forever curse me to be alone because anything else would be settling and I will never let myself get hurt again.. never in a million years... all I want is to not feel another thing for the rest of my life so I might live, I might survive...


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Getting humped from behind.

I must of been 5 years old. It still doesn't cause me any pain to think of it. When you are that young and it is your first experience it doesn't seem wrong.. at least it didn't then. It just seemed normal to me at the time when a son of a family friend who was 2 years older took me to an outhouse. How shall I describe this? There was this large piece of land in Bella Coola a logging town. In the Inedible Hulk, the one with the Norton fellow at the end he is living in Bella Coola. It is where I grew up from 5-10. There was this single two lane road which logging trucks would go back and forth on. As children we would always pump our arms so the trucks would honk for us. On the side of this road was this piece of land with a dirt road. A 100 yard in was this house was being built which the friends of the family, the Dublins lived.. I remember shingles. In the middle of this road to the right was where my family lived. We lived in a tent. It was like having a house without the house. There was an old fashioned wash machine in our lawn. To bath we would heat water on a wood powered stove in this big metal bucket. It was a meager existance but for children it was perfect. There were four kids in my family, plus the 3 kids in the Dublin house. One of them was a boy who was probably 7. I was 5 or 6. I do not remember exactly.

One day the boy I will call John took me into the out house. Told me to take down my pants and humped me from behind. There was no penitration. He just rubbed his penis against my naked ass. It seemed normal at the time but even thne I just wanted him to like me. Looking back I don't feel distress at this because it seemed normal then... but looking back it seems like the type of thing that shouldn't happen. I am glad at that point I didn't know any better, that I was not aware of what it meant.

Just as if at the same time in my life, when either the same friend or a different friend asked me to sit in the cab of an old semi that was in his hard and asked me to lick his ass. I can't remember if I did it then, I just remember being asked to do it. Is such a thing normal I wonder? Do all children have this type of thing happen to them I wonder? Is it just the normal part of growing up. Children not understanding their body, not being able to handle the emotional aspect of puberty.

Looking back now I wonder what effect this had on my life. I was a very emotional child, full of life, happy, but also full of fear at a young age. Was it my name which children made fun of. I was like forest gump getting on the bus each morning with my messy hair, hand me down clothes just desperate for someone to like me. Desperate for a seat to sit on, desperate to not other kids make me cry. The Dublin kids tended to like my older sister but put up with me... I guess that is where I firte felt second rate.. like I wasn't equal... and maybe that is where I first felt that desire to fit in, fit in anywhere's, which I was why.. I don't know.. All I know is at 5 my life was run by fear. I didn't know fear. I think as children all we want is our little spot of the sandbox, a friend who we can escape the battle field of the young. I hated my childhood. I know that... I knew I wasn't like other kids. There was something wrong with me. I didn't belong. The feeling I have to this day. Read More!

Not even a text message

It is hard to not messure yourself, not doubt yourself when u realize how little you are worth. Not even a text message.. You are worth even one of those. No wonder some mornings I wake up and can't even bring myself to get out of bed.
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I can't write when I am happy..

I shut my eyes when I am happy, I imaginje weddings, magical moments where I save the girl, win her heart. I am a hero.. Gypsy princess use to call me a hero, a poet, a prince and she still calls me her knight. I suppose ina way that is how I always feel towards her..
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What if she doesn't love me?

Is it insane that I am trying to find a way to malta, to help her with her music, to take her to ireland, to take her all over the world in hopes that in the sunset or in the slums of india she loves me.. And I try to be confident, try not to let the math of her not feeling chemistry of me falling apart tear me apart. I have always failed to be brilliant. In time you will know how bad a man I have been. Ther are reaons. A series of variables which I have to undo to become the man a girl like that could love..
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The nerves begin

It is like your heart beats with a nervous tension. A wondering if she wil write for three days straight. Will this ounce of strength I have leave or fall. Will my wild heart take control again when I awake for the first time inwhile.. I lied, I will be taking neocitrin. I am dangerously out of shape, I drink everynight, I smoke too much green smoke and other stuff that contains nicotine.

My blood pressure is high, colestrol high, stress level is high. 32.... You do the math. Will I surive long enough to heal.?

Tomorrow I will give up green smoke and booze and I will make myself go for a walk. Trusting her to be my friend.. Was step one. Making myself, my life important is step two.. Sharing the stories of my life, like the previous post is my confessions. You didn't really think an alien on this world would be normal..
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Flying through the air...

I believe in god... I see god in the signs of life.  the clues he gives us telling us which way to go.  It is just to me god has never been much of a friend.. I look back at my life... and can't help but wonder why he ever made me.  It is like my life is some cruel joke. 

It is strange being a child.  I don't think you really understand emotional pain when you are young which is why memories which should be painful only seem odd.  Like when you look back you know it was wrong but you don't feel the emotional hurt you would expect to.  It just feels as something was not right.. I think it is  because we have no awareness, no knowledge to base the experience on as a child.  Or maybe the sensation of flying is greater than the sensation of landing...  My first memory as a child is being in the air after my mother threw me from the kitchen in the log cabin we lived in. There were only two rooms in the place. Where we made food and where we slept. I went from where we made food to where we slept through the air like superman. 

Looking back now I don't blame my mother.  She had made the mistake of being married to my idiot father and the truth was she at times in my life was insane. I remember reading in a book I stupidity gave to a girl about how Napoleon was able to convince men to die for him because institutions don't speak to the imagination of men... well I say institutions seek to stifle emotion.  If you look at our world we do everything we can to try to suppress emotion.   Instead of acknowledging emotion does exist and saying  it is OK to feel things we seek to stuff pills down people's throats, tazer people, shoot them, anything other than actually help people deal with them.  Who can afford to see a shrink.  I have been to numerous doctors and only one took the time to help me get on the right medication...to see a shrink.. and even then nobody had time to help me through my problems... instead I have turned to a public blog.. my way of giving my pain to the world when the world would only seek to shut me up when I tried to get help... 

The perfect example is all these educated people I work with in my day job selling computer software... you have a whole group of educated people who do not believe in mental illness. who think depression is in your mind.. there is nothing more painful in this world when people do not even acknowledge your pain.  To deny a person's hurt is almost worse than experiencing it..  It is pointless because even smart people when it comes to computers can be complete morons when it comes to people...  to reach people like this you have to lay on the ground covered in your own blood.  Our graveyards are littered with those who were ignored by people who said it is in your head...  Maybe that is what it takes to reach these people.. a bullet in the head..

So I don't blame my mother.. she was insane... insane with the madness and pain of a childhood that got fucked up like mine...my cat likes beer..
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Moving to malta

I am laying here by the heater thinking of malta. The dream of moving to malta. But I can't help but wonder if you will be able to accept me as I am if I am able to move there.

I am not insecure when I say the chances of you falling in love with me are slim to none. You have seen the most broken parts of me and clingy is not an attractive quality. I am just being realistic. I look at how easy it was for you to switch to friendship and it is clear whereas it was magic for me, you were merely caught up in the moment of having a man go all out over you. I imagine you can look around your perfectly clean room and see remnants of a man who loves you dearly. That is just me honest.

You always say gebadia don't make me your world and that is the hardest thing for me because it wasn't pretty words when I said I dreamed of you my whole life. You are everything I want in a woman and more. Except for one thing..u don't love me back.. Not your fault.

The reason I bring this up is not ecause I am trying to make you feel bad but because it does change things. See I can't promis you that when I move to malta I will be able to be a social butterfly like you. I can't promise you I will be able to hang with u and ur friends. I can't promise you I will be able to go for walks with you and ur parents. I can't promise you I will be able to sit in a church with you because I don't know.

When love was possible, when there was hope it was different. See I am ok with friendship, with us having time once inawhile to talk, to share a dance, to travel. You will always be my anchor in a way.. But see.. I am scared to be honest, scared you will not understand my words..but alas email is all I have so perhaps god can grant you understanding.

All that you have, a father, a mother, firends make this big wonderful family full of love. Something I have wanted my whole life. The hardest part about comming back from malta was people seeing me sad. I only know one way to be around you. It will always be obvious how I feel. And so someday you will find a boy.. And you will tell me and if I am use to hanging with ur friends, if I am use to having coffee with your father it would not be just from you my heart will break but from having to let go of all that joy I felt from being around such love and I might not surive that....
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My heart cracks a little more

She will never understand what sayimg yes to marriage and then saying I just want to be friends didi to me. How for awhile I was happy. How much it took to trust being happy and how taking away that happiness has made it impossible for me to ever trust happiness again.

I feel so trapped by my life here in edmonton. A job that is going away, a debt I cannot afford and maybe if I was a whole person I would not care.. Just..she did not write this morning.. And so there were no presents under the xmas tree.. How my heart breaks..

She says don't make me your dream but the thing is all I have ever dreamed of is her.. To not have that dream is to give up everything I am. All I have ever wanted is love and she is everything I ever wanted except she does not love me.. That breaks a man in ways words can never describe. She wants me to accept god which I do but I can never love a god who giveth me a life with no joy. A life without love is one with no joy..and the one thing I have never had in this journey is love..

You don't know what it is like to stare at your inbox and see only spam. That your are not worth 10 minutes, not worth a 30 second text.. I must push everyone a way, I must not let them see me hurting, living in this world hurts to much when you let yourself care which is something I will never do. I will be like ice.. Perhaps this year god will give me courage because I cannot fathom spending another xmas alone.. Another xmas without love.. I will not..arggggg. I was not made for this world..
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Reality of love and me

Each day I go to bed hoping she will write, each morning I awake feeling like I did christmas morning.. Running down the stairs to the presents under the tree.. I grab my blackberry, look for the red star over the email or sms. Eagerly I click it open, hoping to see gyspy princess... Too often I see spam. And it feels like the devistation of seeing no presents under the tree.. In the past in that moment of sadness..my phone would come alive..sms and emails to her a plenty.. Then the guilt, the doubt, the pain become alive and the rest of the day is spent trying to undo the first message text or email sent in wild pain. Then I wait, swallowing gravol like they r mandm's trying to numb the fear in my heart. I lay there numb hoping she will forgive me one more time hoping against all odds I didn't blow my chance if any chance with this girl doth exist.

Today was a good day.. I am scared to fall asleep for what will tomorrow bring.. Will ther be presents beneath the the tree..

See I am cursed when it comes to love. I have felt more for this girll than any other.. Ever since she first appeared in my feed the wildness of love has been raging inside my broken heart. Broken from childhood..but how can she ever love me when there is so much about myself I hate..

My heart is my curse.. I don't listen to music because I am afraid to feel. I cannot watch shows with a father daughter because that is a dream I will never have. I cannot kiss another girl because if I were to open my eyes and it were not her..my heart would break..

To love someone enough to be there friend.. I am cursed.. To star forever at u blackberry at u gmail, always hoping..always dreaming.. Always crying knowing that for me the one thing, the only thing I want in this whole world, love for me shall never be for she sees me as a friend..

And yet as I write this I know I am not alone.. I know that a lot of the geeks online have been a friend when they want more.. The problem with me is I can never settle and even girls I would of given anything to be with in the past are settling compared to my gypsy princess..
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Want to know what happened..

In one week a girl went from yes I will marry you to yes I only want to be friends... that would destroy any man..
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I just need to learn to trust myself

That is the hardest thing when you have a whole life of pain is when you meet someone special... who sees something good in you... it is so foreign you instantly reject it.. all your logic rejects it... I could write a book about my past.. and all the people in my life who supposedly cared about me who left me.. my sisters.... my friends... my father... they all leave me and I am left alone trying to make sense of this world.  I just wanted to die for so long.. and now maybe if I am dead then my mother can collect my life insurance so she is not in debt for my facebook application cybersweetness which I don't have enough money to finish...  I am $250 000 in debt... I have to create my own job selling software to industry... one product which will make your console graphics in process PI graphics and then a googlemini like network search for industrial sites which can read CAD files.. and like 300 more file types... lol...

I know you don't know what that is... if you work in a powerplant or an industrial site with lots of computers say hi... just the enormity of it is too much... I have to move to Malta and I need a miracle...

All I do is doubt myself...
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Hopelessness is the worst of all

I wanted to send this while I feel strong. We have allways had a deep trust. A communion of words. I don't know what my future holds. So much has changed since I met you. I am struggling to break free of the depression, the hooks of my past but also my life. You once said pray for me gyspy princess, you once felt as if you were not going to make it...

I hate my job. I hate everything about it. I hate the people, the office, the role I am playing. I hate my boss the most for refusing to lead or guide me. To teach me anything. I don't know what I am doing and when I ask for help I am surrounded by cowards who behind his back agree with me yet when he is near... Get quiet. I am belittled and ridicled dailley, put down.

I am trapped in city where I see m past, my mistakes which I live over and over again as if I am forced to replay my life...
A life that has held only pain for me...

I have no joy, I never smile..

It was a cruel joke to think you could love me.. Ha I say, ha.. Who could love this man..
Even you have taken back every kind thing you ever said, even you who says there is good in me never describe what is good.. So all I see is the garbage because staying and letting me write, letting me know you is not what friendship is. Frienship is about helping the person see the good in them..

And so..when nobody does that..the voices win.. The cats they say you have a quest gebadia.. That I am too build this facebook application cybersweetness but it is too boring and I don't have the money to make it what it needs. I have nobody to shae it with. The woman the cats chose to be my mother.. Is in debt..

I pray each day god will take me from this world. I don't exercise, I cry myself to sleep, I drin too much and smoke too much tobacco. Maybe I will I die and my life insurrance will give my mother money to retire on..

So if I don't make it gyspy princess, please know the moments when you pretended to love me were the best of my life.. Just every other moment for me was hell
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IT is a silly youtube video I did of my dogs when they were pups

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__xyr-WetHk

Please do rate, subscribe, comment or twitter... don't worry I only do this once in a blue moon.. but I love my dogs..
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Dogs playing with toys

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I matter less then 1 euro

See it costs Malta girl around a Euro to SMS me good morning, goodnight or once a day... maybe less... and unless I text her a few times she never texts me.  I could send her flowers... send her chocolates and still I am not worth a Euro thank you.. yah I am that pathetic that I have to accept such scraps.. I always accept scraps from people.  I have to beg for people to like me... not love because based on experience I am unlovable... you might say I am feeling sorry for myself but the problem is because I had a bad childhood I couldn't get close to people.. then came the depression and you wake up one day and you are terrifed of people but incredibly lonely problem is one person can never make up for the lonely... they all treat me the same... I am ok sometimes but few people really want to know me.. she was all in for 2 weeks.. and it was the best time of my life because she took 10 minutes a day to talk to me.. I had friend each day.. I don't have that anymore.. and it isn't her fault.. there is something wrong with me... I am fucked.. messed in the head.. insane too much.. I am lucky she wants to know me... In time I will find my place...I think it will be amoung the poor of the world.. I am going to find my way to Malta.. help malta girl get her dreams and then I am going to disapear.. spend my life in some orphanage teaching children.. helping people...it is the only place I fit in this world... around people who are fucked like me.. people who grow up with a hole in their hearts feeling unloved..

and I am sad today.. do not blame Gypsy girl.. she tried and tries more than most but the chasm in my heart.. the loneliness is too much for most people.. I will always be alone because the way I am broken never gets fixed...
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My heart aches

I am too much for anyone person... I don't write this for pity... although I suppose it might seem this way.. when you have never felt loved in your life you often end up like me.. too much for anyone person because how can one person ever make up for a lifetime of feeling one thing... we talk of shelter, food as being important.. even finacial stability but for me... the one thing I have always felt missing is love.  It is why I cannot succeed in this world because I feel this heavy pain in my heart which holds me down.  This loneliness inside which I fear I will never recover from.  I suppose lots of people online feel this way.  Maybe that is how we are all connected.. where the interenet has become a way for us to at least get some version of attention... It is why I have slept with random girls... it is why often I am too needy in relationships... it is why I seem off... why I live in constant doubt... see the question that will always live in my heart is why will nobody love me.. you become like an orphan child running from person to person saying will you love me.. and when they don't which of course they don't it confirms what you fear.. that there is something horribly wrong with me.. something that makes me unlovalable.  

It is why I drink so much, why I smoke, why I often eat without carrying my cholesteral is high or my blood pressure is bad.. it is why I lay on my couch watching show after show just trying to get through the day.  It is why I take sleeping pills so when I close my eyes the silence doesn't overwhelm me. 

and sometimes when I travel it is ok... sometimes I feel better when I am in a place where life is happening.. I guess that is why I like open hotels.. the ones with a lobby where I can sit and work on my computer while life happens.. it makes me not feel so pathetic... by observing others live I suppose I feel kind of like I am living..

The hardest days though are when my email in the morning is just spam... in this whole world the only people who care to say hi to me are spammers... they care more than most people I call friends...

My friends... well if I don't call or write them they don't bother to remember I exist.  It is why I must leave this place... why if I don't find my way to Malta... I won't make it through another winter hear... I tried to tell my boss who is my uncle this... he says he doesn't care...

I guess if I burned down his house and become a drug addict he might care.. long story their ...  it is days like this I feel more like an alien than any other day.. I long for my home of terropia.. I would even settle for Gebula S if only not for the dreams of my past...

I long to feel love, not from my inbox, not from a text message, not from a phone but from her... from malta girl but even she cannot love me...  the boy who was destined to walk the world without love...

I am an orphan... I will always be an orphan...  and she talks of god.. who I believe exists... I know does... and I know he calls for me to move to Malta.. make a success out of myself online.. in my facebook app which needs too much work to get to the point where it will be of great interest to people.  It is an ok app, better than most but still it cannot be what I need it to be without help and who will help a man with no degree and man like me but still I need to find a way to Malta.. where Malta girl will be my friend.. where I will help her launch her singing carreer and then I can fade away and spend my life working with the homeless.. telling their story and teaching them how to use computers... giving them a chance to find their place in this world... a place I have never found... a chance to change their stars for amoung the homeless, the poor I don't feel so alone...

Because here in North America the lonliness is going to kill me... I need out... I have 4 months to make the impossible come true... 4 months to find a way where I can move to another country....
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Betrayed by hollywood

I keep waiting for gyspygirl to run away. I send too many emails. Too many texts because somehow I am afraid he will forget me. I doubt everything about myself. She didn't love me. All the signs were there. I am never going to have love. I have given up on ever having the one thing I have always wanted and dreamed about. It fucks me up. I am too wild, too emotional. Too broken. Too lonely. What made me cry today was not one person has said hi to me in email and that ripps me apart.

I a the loneliest guy in the world. Do u know what it is like to have two sisters who not once have asked me for coffee? Do you know what it is like to have no friends? Do you know what it is like to know in your heart the world is better off without you? I am not needed by anyone. I wish I was a sociopath cause then I wouldn't care so much but this world is too much. I try to tell people I am sad but nobody listens. Depression is just in ur head. That is how ignorant people are. You know why depressed people kill themselves it is because people say it is just in there head. How will I ever complete my quest if I cannot defeat this mind of mine. This heart.
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Why do woman stress us out....

I hate how woman can never just tell you news... they know us men can't handle mystery.. we are simple fools who can't even stand waiting for a sports shows to happen.  we prefer to rip the clothes off a girl because man we want to see the girl naked... arggg... my princess is making me wait to find out her news.. some news she never tells me to toture me...
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a few more URL's

tweetmyfinger.com
tweet4jc.com
tweet4god.com

make me an offer...

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URLS I bought to create websites and realized I don't know code...

http://www.aoktweet.com
http://www.bobobill.com
http://www.bogobo.com
http://www.bogyogy.com
http://www.boysmack.com
http://www.boysmack.mobi
http://www.codeforbiz.com
http://www.codeforbiz.mobi
http://www.dadsmack.com
http://www.dadsmack.mobi
http://www.dobyoby.com
http://www.hotnerdnews.com
http://www.hotnerdnews.mobi
http://www.hotnerdnews.tv
http://www.kirbakawn.com
http://www.mixamash.com
http://www.mixamash.mobi
http://www.muffindate.com
http://www.muffinmate.com
http://www.pcroids.com
http://www.urllatte.com
http://www.urlmania.com

Make me an offer.....



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