Life Chronicles: The baby lay there half dead and I did nothing

There are moments in our lives..moments when we can do something and we do nothing. One of these moments happened to me while in bangkok... It was about 9 at night and the guy I was with wanted to get some gifts for his wife who he had a habit of cheating on.. He actually wanted me to get some girls to come up to our room to have sex so he could watch and I probably would of if at that time in my life I could of gotten it up... sadly I was having a mental beakdown.. we walked across this bridge and there was this lady begging for money for food and next to her where she sat was a baby who laid there on the cement barely alive...

We are so programmed not to give to poor people when we travel I walked by heartless to the child with no hope that lay there with no food and the mom who just wanted to feed its child....

I remember on the way back having money ready to give the mother and child but they were gone... how pathetic was I that I could not give a mother and a baby child a dollar so they could eat...

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Love Chronicles: How did we become so pathetic at love?

I have struggled with love my whole life... it is because I have been so screwed up inside that I knew how to feel love but I never knew how to show it... I have been with some amazing woman.. it always ends up the same because I need them to heal what is broken in me.. I don't need man woman love.. I needed self love.. I needed them to love away all the pain and hurt inside from a life that was too much for me...

Just as I needed my family to love me.. to love the broken boy who become a broken man who had too much emotion.. too many memories...but my family couldn't love me.. my mom did but not my sisters.. my little one did more than my older but not enough.. because I wasn't normal... I never talked properly.. I was screwed up inside.. I can't remember ever sitting down with my older sister.. I can't remember her ever giving me advice.. I can't remember her ever wanting to know me... and I try to be strong.. but I can't.. I cry when I think about it.. how when I cut my chest.. when blood ran down my chest she called my little sister because she couldn't deal with it.. she couldn't deal with me..

her little brother.. the one that was fucked up.. just wanting to be accepted and she couldn't give me that.. even now when I just wanted someone to share this app with.. someone to maybe give me advice on accounting she couldn't give me that.. how when her kids come over they make comments that a child would not make about me living with my mother.. still unable to simply accept that every day I wake up it is a struggle to simply get out of bed.. how for the best 5 years there is rarely a day I do not cry.. how I struggle so hard to keep going because my own family did not love me...

My little sister was better I suppose.. she was there for me from time to time.. but again she never wanted to know me... but she tried more.. she accepted me more than my older sister but the pain with my younger sister is she never was willing to help me even a little with this app stuff without making me pay her $20 an hour.. even then.. even when I paid her she....maybe she did try.. I don't know but I know my younger sister and I will never talk again..

See both my brother and I don't have any sisters.. knowing them always came with conditions.. there love always had conditions.. we had to be ok.. we had to have it all together.. we had to have it figured out..

And so many of us in this world face this same pain.. that for those we call family to love us we can't be sad, we can't struggle, we have to be happy because if we are not it is hard on those we love.. if we do not have a good carreer it is hard on those we love... see that is what too often love is.. we need someone to be who we need them to be because it is too hard to love someone for who they are...

And that is how my sisters.. always made me feel... as if who I am was never good enough for there love..

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Good bye Michael Jackson.. you touched my life...

For those who know me, my life is not one of family dinners, of moments where all the kids get together.. truth is throughout my life we were never close as a family, however the one thing we did as a family was love Micheal Jackson... I remember how we would all get together when he would release a video.. I remember a cat.. I remember black and white.. how we would all gather around like it was a giant event and watch this man who was like a god to us... his music, his moves were bigger than life.. when you think of the 80's you think of the red jacket.. the moon walk, the glove... you think of a man who may have been a lot weird who touched our lives.. over the next few days you are going to see more and more trolls dancing online, talking of the unproven molestation charges which we all struggled with and maybe always will and if one even makes a mans life then stick to those stories.. but it is my belief to judge a man, any man you have to look at his whole life.. you have to say how much good did he do and say what you want about MJ few will ever touch as many lives in a positive way as he did.... and I hope that he had a chance to record a few songs we have not heard so I can turn on the radio.. turn on the TV and once again enjoy the man we all knew as Michael.

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Why you need porn on your iphone?

See I am not the guy who got married and had kids.. I am that single guy that traveled the world and had wild crazy moments.. from the British MILF in a Jamaican hotel.. to this latin bunny in Costa Rica.. to cajun sweetness in New Orleans.. the flight attendant.. the chinese lesbian…

See I have done all those things.. I have been on a pool table in a hostel with some french hottie and the thing that stays with you is the 6 months you have to wait for an HIV test.. and so the 2 minutes of porn.. it helps keep me from being bad.. so I don’t see anything wrong with it.. I am just tired of waking up next to some stranger..

It is like today I am on my lunch break and my friend says to me she wants me… but I can’t.. she is 30 minutes away which is my lunch break.. having something on my iphone would be useful to clear my head in the washroom… see now the problem is I am frisky.. and it means the older MILF in the office looks good..

And I am not trying to rationalize my behavior.. I watch porn for about 2 minutes at a time every night to tame the beast..

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Life Chronicles: Cloudy head day

I cannot think today.. my brain is healing.. that is the problem with green smoke.. you start having to smoke more of it to feel normal.. but it kills your ability to grab memories on cue as if it makes your brain go haywire.. and I decided if my friend has enough courage to go off and work with orphans.. actually two of my friends then it is time I learn to stand on my own two feat.. it is time I learn to be a man... I don't really want because I feel like shit.. it is easier to keep feeling like shit than try to be happy.. but a friend told me I have to fix me and maybe she is right.. at first she didn't.. often with her she puts up this super strong image and makes life seem so easy.. it makes it hard to relate to her...

For me life has always been a struggle.. but when she dropped her walls I realized the things she says are not easy for her either... that she struggles with the same issues I did but she keeps on fighting where I don't and I thought well if she has enough courage to go off to Italy than I am going to quit this green smoke.. I am going to quit my love of tobacoo and get healthy.. so I went for a walk.. I tried a little harder at work to get along with my idiot bosses and they are idiots..

Just like them to come back from vacation and be like we told you to do this and be like um no you didn't.like usual you think something but you don't communicate it with people.. which is why the office is so inefficient..

But I guess not everyting can be fixed and I can't change my boss.. I can only keep plugging away at this app.. and keep trying to make a success of myself...thanks friend...

go to http://cybersweetness.com for all of my stories.. add the app and also show off your vanity urls.

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Dating Chronicles: Kiss among the dead..

As I mentioned a long time ago.. way back in my posts when I talked of shemales... I met a girl in New Orleans.. and so after my love affair with a gator my friend and I drove back to our hotel to get ready to meet the girls that night. I was excited to see them again. Anytime I win a kiss from a pretty girl.. it is a big deal.. so here I was all decked out in my nice blue shirt, new shorts and sandles. I was going to get some. I even went and bought some fancy drink mix.

So the girls, TJ and missy came to our hotel. I am not sure what I expected from TJ. She is looking hot in her tight blue jeans but there is this weirdness about her.. later on I would find out it was because she was worried that I copped a feel when she passed out which I didn't... anyways so they say they are not drinking. and I am a sensitive guy so instantly you feel kind of silly for spending a bunch of money on drink mix. We head off and start walking down burbon street. Nothing is going well, I can't talk to TJ and then my friend starts blabbing about how good he was at basketball.. this always bothered me cause he kind of was a good athlete but not a good basketball player. I sort of lose it, more because I am frustrated by what is happening with TJ.

Now when things don't go well most people just relax.. me I like to tempt death. Hey I say lets go to a graveyard at midnight in new orleans.. so we start walking to a graveyard in this projects. It was like walking in the places you see on the TV show the wire. Rundown, crap places. Together we all hope over this 7 foot wall which was not easy to get over and start exploring this run down graveyard that was ruined from the floods.. finally after losing the other two I get TJ alone and I grab her and kiss her passionately..

Suddenly neither of us is nervous anymore.. the night is perfect.. except for the guy on his bike saying get the fuck out of here before you get shot....

To hear all my stories don't forget to subscribe or go to http://gebalove.com and enter your email... or you could go to http://cybersweetness.com and add yourself as a fan..

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Dating Chronicles: I went on a date with a lesbian in China..

Most days for me are generally the same. I go through life and almost nothing excites me. Recently a girl at my work told me I was boring and she is right, because what excites me I cannot find. It was always intense emotion where I found the trill of life. In playing sports I found that in the human battle of one man or one team against the other. There was nothing more exciting to me than basketball.. the other place was love.

There is always something amazing about the feeling you get when you meet and trully connect with someone. When the hot girl talks to you. For an average looking bloke like me with a few too many pounds, a crooked nose and a funny shaped head it doesn't happen often. When I was younger sure I had a few hotties but not as you get older it become fewer and father between. Probably because I can't stand talking to most people. They just bore me.

Chika didn't bore me. She was about 5'4 5'6.. totally guessing here. Petite with this black hair that teased her eyes just below shoulder length. She had this almost grudge/anime style to her. IT was strings of vivid color mixed into the plane green. She also seemed to bounce as she walked. This energy she carried. It was like nothing I had seen before. Most girls in China are pretty much the same, the say the same lies about being single, they are always very well dressed and proper. Chika was the exact opposite and she exploded in the room. We met at KFC.. and she devoured her food... it is strange that the girls I meet who I fall for tend to devour their food like they rarely remember to eat or have some place to go.

It was Christmas in China so we were all going Karaoke.. only problem was for at least me it meant another naked bathhouse with 20 chinese men staring at my white ass body.. not a gay thing a rich thing.. except this time there was no massage. Just a bath, some pajamas.. dinner and a big ass room with an endless supply of booze and singing.

The night by all accounts was a blast. I got drunk with the man I call my wife Dashwin who speaks no English.. another time I will tell you about my Chinese male wife. So anyways near the end of the night I ask Chika if she would like to go out sometime. She says yes and I am ON TOP OF THE WORLD.. there is nothing scarier than asking a girl out you like.. there is nothing more amazing when she says yes.

Now I didn't get to see her right away because I had to go to Shanghai for business. It was 4 days before our date. The thing about a pretty girl... when I say pretty it is a subjective thing..pretty to me.. is she gives you dreams.. when you get older it is harder to find that magic which lets you dream.. truth is I try never to dream anymore because the pain of disappointment is too much.. with Chika I couldn't help it... sure you might say 3000 miles and 18 hour flight.. it means nothing to me.. I flew across the world twice for the chance at love.

I was so excited the day of the date. My host, the guy I was doing business with me who was an ass decides he wants me to train his people on the software I am selling. I do a half of a day and say see yah.. now I haven't called Chika since setting our date to meet at KFC.. I arrive early enough to go buy a little jade necklace.. I wanted the day to be perfect. We are suppose to meet at 2pm.. 2 comes and no Chika.. 2:30 and no Chika.

Now you might think I should call her. In a perfect world there would be a phone where I put a quarter in and then it is that easy. Chinese payphones if you can find them take cards. You need to find a place to sell them. You need someone who speaks enough English to point you in the right direction. So I manage to borrow a phone to get Chika's phone number from the host guy, however I am unable to get ahold her. Now you might think a guy should give up.. not me.. I am resilient. There is nothing I would not do at the chance at love. It is all I have wanted my whole life.. my very own love story...

So I decide I am going to buy a cell phone in China.. I have permission to buy one, a cheap one from my boss in case I need to contact him. Cheap is not in my vocabulary as it physically bothers me to buy something cheap when there is something better out there. A little OCD in a way..

So I go to a cell phone company. They don't take American money. The lady at the store walks with me for two blocks to a bank where I can change my US cash into whatever they call Chinese money. I buy this PDA samsung top of the line phone for 800US... cheap is not in my vocab. So I call Chika again and finally she answers...

she forgot about my date... it is like your heart hits the floor.. maybe that should of been a clue she was not into me.. but when you have spent $800 US which you will have to explain to your boss for a chance at love nothing stops you.. Chika says she will be there in 30 minutes.

So I wander through a Chinese shopping center where I see a more current version of the phone I just bought for $1000 US... not I can't return the phone I bought but man it just bothered me to have the second best phone.

Chika shows up and she has not showered, she has not brushed her teeth. Maybe that was because of the fact you can only shower 3 times a week in Bejing, water shortage.. or... she is not into me.. again I ignore this.. average looking blokes have to.. girls don't just fall for guys like me.. we have to win there hearts...

So we catch a Taxi and drop off a video she did for a professor and then head to her favorite place to walk. In the cab ride over.. she says the worst thing any girl can say to a man...

"just friends"

Why don't you girls just take a knife and kill us because it was like the world started to crack around me and then shatter.... and the thing is you have to smile and pretend it was always just friends when secretly all you want is to get wasted and end up fucking some girl.. it is how men deal with things.. it is how I use to... not anymore.. tired of the 6 month wait to see if I caught the HIV from some drunken escapade on a pool table in a Vancouver hostile.

So we finally get to this place and I am trying to put on a brave face.. we start walking and her English is average at best... and the whole time I just want to pull her in close and kiss her even with her stinky breath.. and you have to understand Chinese woman eat chickens feat.. so for me to want to kiss her chicken feat eating mouth..she must be some kind of..

Unfortuanelty the feeling is one sided as we start to get past the surface details. It is something I am good at I guess. Truth is I have never really been good at the whole casual conversation thing. I just can't relax around people..

First she says she has never kissed a boy but has kissed a girl and her favorite show is Queer eye for the straight guy... She is actually grossed out by the idea of kissing a guy... then I start talking of TJ this black American girl I dated and she is getting excited..

Then it hits me... out of the 1.5 billion people in China, out of the 700 million woman... I find the hot lesbian...

And.. I have no answer for that... there is no come back.. my ego just is not big enough to think I can turn her straight...

Nothing in life teaches us to deal with that scenario.. so if you are ever in China and are a lesbian... I can hook you up with the most amazing girl...

http://cybersweetness.com 
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Redemption

I never had a lot of friends growing up.  Stuff happens and you lose the ability to trust people.  Most of what I know about people comes from movies and watching people from the outside.  I was always the kid who never fit.  It is what happens when you live a lie.. I am in the process of looking back at my life... a friend of mine calls it healing.   I don't know what I think.  My life was a lie. 

I was the boy who from 5-8 feared getting on the school bus in the morning because kids would tease me because of my name, my shaggy hair, or my hand me down clothes.  The remember paying each morning for just an empty seat.. someone to sit with.  I was forest gump except there was never a Jenny to save me...took me a long time to understand that happy endings don't have to happen in real life. 

At 13 I began to live another lie.  Afraid people would find out, would know.. would think I was... I created a new persona for myself.  not that it ever really works...

And then I also had to lie about being poor, about the fact my mother didn't work because she was emotionally fucked up... you would think winning a contest at school to eat lunch with your teacher at any fast food restarant would be a big deal for a kid and the food part was... its just the question what does your mom do scared me... my mom was on welfare.. we were poor, sometimes we didn't have food...

So I told another lie.. soon all you are is lies.. I once had a girl say she heard I slept with 60 girls when I slept with none.... which was better than the truth, that I talked one way to make it seem I was one way so people wouldn't know the truth..

And the thing about lies is to keep them going you have to keep things in a setting you know how to lie in... and so you become controlling because things like hanging out with large groups of people.. certain senarios that would seem normal to other people are foreiegn to you, they terrify you.. and you justify your controlling nature with logical arguments because even the most horrid of acts can seem justified if you look at it from the right persepective...

And as you get older, as you fail to find love because you do not love yourself.. a key requirement in love because nobody can love you enough to make you whole... you keep hearing about how you need to heal.. how you need to learn to like yourself... but it seems like such an impossible thing.. it seems to be something that happy people say to unhappy people..

They don't get it though... they do not know what it feels like to have someone say Gebadia you are a great guy but I can't be your friend.  They do not know what it is like to be so lonley that you wake up in the middle of the knight to see if someone emailed you or keep your phone on so everytime an email comes you can check and see if it is a friend.. to not even bother to answer a phone because you know it is never for you...

To know that if you did not write nobody would ever write you.... to see how you are forgotten...how easy you are forgotten... how useless and unneeded that makes you feel..

You never show it though because the few scraps of friendship people give you.. well you need to lie.. to pretend you are happy... even if all you do each day after work is come home, smoke a joint so you can dampen the echo of lonliness in your heart enough to pound away on a computer... because you desperately hope to find a way to be free of a job where you are treated like a pion.. where even though you have good ideas because you do not have a degree your words are never heard.. how the same words coming from another mouth get action.. how you are put down and treated with contempt for daring to think...

Weakends are the worst.. because you can't hide from the lonliness.. there isn't enough noise.. I just lie on the couch trying to not feel things...a good day for me...

Sometimes I am able to take off work early and see a movie alone... you don't feel so pathetic seeing a movie alone if it is a matinee.. still when people see you thye make fun of you or hear about it.. you want to say if I had friends to go with me I would but you lie.. you make it seem like you enjoy going alone... for me it is about escape.. it is where I buy nachos and cheeze and jalepenoes.. a coke and a bottle of water I do not open.. I just have to buy it.. OCD...

Other than that Tuesdays are a good day because it means itunes will have new movies... which make the noise louder.. which means maybe for 2 hours you can escape who you are.. I will do anything to no be me...

There is something horribly wrong with me.. my sisters have never asked me out for coffee.. I have never hugged my sisters..

My favorite movies are the action ones like Rambo.. a story of redemption in a way.. people who know they do not fit.. whose lives are full of sin.. alsmost as if you accept you are a fallen soul and it is the gates of hell that await you... and within this life there is a moment.. some act.. some moment of redemption that says my life mattered.. I did something good...

For me that is Malta girl... when I look upon her I love god because he made someone so beautiful.. I praise him for giving the world her... I don't know how to be a good friend but I try... I hope that somehow I am able to have a positive effect on the world. I would like to call us friends but something tells me friendship should be more than an email every couple of days.. and in person it is.. just she lives in malta and I live here...  I try to pretend I am happy because I know my sadness worries her and I am afraid she will not write her emails if I am sad... we don't chat or talk on the phone..  it just isn't her way..

I was clingy after the last time I saw her.. it changed how she treats me.. she doesn't say nice things about me often anymore.. I use to be exciting to her but now I think I am old.. she has been there done that.. and now she is moving on.. I want to stay relevent in her life.. I want to matter... It is not fair to her I know but I just don't want to fade away...like always happens cause then I have nobody..

I cannot tell her this because then she will know how pathetic I am and maybe she knows this.. part of the reason she keeps me around is she pities me.. and even sadder is how I would rather have her pity me than not know me at all..  I am that desperate to feel human connection..

I use to think she was the one.. we had such moments together but later I learned it was just me feeling something while she faked it..and so I find no happiness in the memories... I cry when I think of them.. I cannot eve look at the pictures..

I never show her any of this.. not that she would take the time to read it.. I don't blame her.. she can't be what I need... nobody can.. I lie and tell her I am healing even though I don't know what that means.. I have told these stories to shrinks before.. it never changes... I am still alone...always alone..

She let me hold her when I was in Malta... it was the first time I have held someone in so long... It felt amazing.. it is the last time I will get to hold anyone.. If I see her again I won't be able to hold her... it hurts too much because to feel that.. it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.. and to go without it... it is easier not to know it..

My moment of redemption is helping her see that all her dreams are possible... that god gave her this gift... I send her flowers all the time and use to send her quotes until my phone company cancelled my phone account because I did not pay my bill.  I have the money but it is hard for me when I am stoned to do things like that.. pay bills.. it is a battle to fight through the lonliness to be functional.. expecially hear where all the eyes of my life say Gebadia you do not matter...

I do not tell her this.. I don't want her to see me as pathetic like everyone else.. she is the little bit of good in this world.. it is a struggle... because I do love her.. she hates it when I say I want.. I just want her to be happy you know.. I see god in her...

It is funny how I can love god for making her... and in the same breath hate him for making me.. I don't know why he ever created a person like me.. why I am here... I close my shades in my office so I don't see outside.. I don't like to play with my dogs... I can't let myself be happy.. it is easier not to..

I want to move to malta to help matla girl with her music.. to walk with her for awhile.. she never says she wants that too.. I hope she does.. it is the one little bit of happiness I do let myself feel... but she will get mad at me because I won't be able to eat dinner with her family.. because I won't go for coffee with her friends..

She does not understand the voices of my past.. the amount of times I have been rejected by those who are suppose to love me.. each time it gets harder... it is why I will never hold, kiss or have sex with another woman... even her I cannot hold anymore..because when they reject me.. when she finds another and she will I need to be strong... I need to build up walls around me so I don't fall apart because with her.. I just want her to always think of me fondly... she is my little bit of redemption..

but in time when she starts her life.. finds someone to marry.... I will fade away... It is why god made me...

It is what happened with Jasmine.. she use to cry because with me was the first time she new what it felt to be desired... but then she left because her bf was the type of man she married.. he was stable and had money..

And it is the same with Malta girl.. I helped restore her faith in man woman love..

it is just I am not the guy.. and I realize now I never will be... me.. it is a beach in costa rica.. I will smoke and I will drink.. I will get a dog..name him Gebo... maybe I will live in a hotel... I always like hotels because you can sit in the lobby on your computer and pretend you have a life.. pretend you are not the loser who went on vacation alone because you don't have friends to go with you...

I just hope I don't become like one of those old men who live in places like DR.. who use the fre viagra and the cheap hookers to hide the fact they are alone... no... I can't do that... I won't do that because for awhile Malta girl.. thought I was worth knowing..  I will not dishonor her that way... there is a little good in me....

This is my life...

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Life Chronicles: To know hard truth is to know real pain...

Part of the reason why I have removed or intent to remove those I would call family from my Facebook profile is the ignorance of shelter. See most people need to live in a walled world. My life has never fit in any box... the image I have portrayed... the lies that have been my life have.. but me... the stories beneath the illusion I have shown is a dark one. A place of sadness. A place of mistakes. Of tears... of sin... of darkness...

See such stories take time to tell. One story of a conquest might seem like a man bragging about some moment with a girl. And if that story is all that is ever told then it can make me seem like well the men you married... lol.. because believe me every man you have been with.. every man you have shared your bed with carries the stories I carry. I have sat there in locker rooms, I have listened to tales.. I have sat in a hotel room under the covers reading the bible before my sadness caused me to fall... before the demons of my past took me.. when I lost of my faith.. when a married man slept with a girl while his wife was at home... I read of how the eye will cause the hand to touch, how the hand will cause the body to betray...

So I ask that as you read my tales... some will be funny.. some will be those guys talk of in locker rooms.. some will be sad... some will be silly... some will be good... some will be of pain... but keep your judgement until the end.. until you see how I have grown.... and see the man I am trying to become...

To read all my stories go to http://cybersweetness.com click the notes and subscribe...

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Causes Facebook app is a dilemma

It is a baffling Dimlema to me... I just don't know the answer....

In Mathew it says this?

"But when you give to the poor, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing."

But if you look at what is best for the charity in a facebook setting it benefits it more to

"sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men."

What about free speech and those who would use it to spread hate?

Dilemas... who is smarter than me... are you...

I am smarter than all the girls I know...

Would you believe one of them?

No I guess not..

My mom?

My Cat?

Your funny..

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Work Chronicles: My boss today called the week I took off because of depression screwing around

He doesn't think depression is real. But then again his brain is like this computer where if you say things the wrong way he shushes you...syntax error...syntax error...then he loses it... if you disagree with him he thinks you are being abusive.. just if you don't then you will piss off every prospect you have. his idea of sales is to talk and push until someone buys.. we don't need ROI's... we don't need client testimonials... we don't need solid documentation..nope.. it is the sales people's fault because they can't talk there way into a sale...

he refuses to evolve how he sells our product... and maybe the worst part is he doesn't believe a website is a valuable tool.. I have to say to all you business owners out there who sell software.. if you don't see how a good website can reduce costs and make you money hire someone to market for you because you are a complete and utter idiot.. see that blender.. stick your head in it because it needs a shake...

If you want to follow all my long speeches I am here all my life at http://cybersweetness.com and I won't sell your data.. just add the app and add 4 favorites.. drop me a line when soemthing does look right.. at the very least add me as a fan and to subscribe to the notes click the notes tab... now begone with yah

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Life Chronicles: I am back at work today..

Back at work today... took last week off because I decided to go on meds which means the lovely side effects... dry mouth... last forever in bed.. great for the girl bad for the guy... can't even masturbate.. that alone is enough to lead any man to suicide.. stroking the salami is one of the great pleasures of being a man.. I am not in shape to really be anything special in bed.. after two minutes I probably would need someone to take over because I would need some oxigen... not that it matters so much anymore... Truth is I have reached that age where random hook ups doesn't really appeal to me... and lets just say I can't settle... and leave it at that...

Girl at my work commented on how I actualy showed up to sing the boss happy birthday calling me antisocial.  I hate it when people point out things like that.... like their is something wrong with me.. I just don't like hanging around a bunch of uptight, old fashioned, boring judgemental people.  Plus I don't do well in large groups of people.  I really don't know how to act, what to say... I am too blunt, too honest, too me..

I get flustered... guy and girl... I call woman girls.. it pisses them off.. its just me.. this adversion to the word man and woman... seems so old...shrink once said in some ways I am still a child because of shit that happened... he told me to write to myself... I said I already talk to myself and now you want me to write to myself... dam.. never did though.. girl said she was doing this revision of a play she did last year and I said what in the nude since they didn't get a lot of fans the first time which begs the question why do anything remotely the same this time, she gave me a look, he gave me a look and they both left.  He said I have an odd way of dealing with people...

Having trouble breathing right now...panic attacks are coming.. the meds don't get rid of it, just change it to where it almost tickles, my chest is being sucked in, my stomach too.. it is hard to breath.. the right side of my neck is tight,  maybe I am having a stroke... could be because the meds I am taking is 2 years past its due date... but I just don't have it in me to go to the doctors... like I failed or something...maybe I will call across the street and see if they have any meds on file for me...they don't...

My eyes are watering and now and my muscles shake a little... like I have a nervous twitch...

On hold right now for the doctors office... figure I should make an appointment because I coudl be posioning myself.. fun..fun.. till you end up in a coffin...lol...I imagine some people are going to worry at this statement..

And they would be right to do so...lol... called the pharmacy and they said some of the active ingredients can harm the body... yahhhh... shucky darn... another small fortune for drugs I cannot afford...

Maybe that is why the right side of my body feels...well funny... leave it to me to poision myself...

The sweats are coming... fun fun fun... sometimes my eyes water...

And please don't worry... my words come from this place and by sharing them in a way I free myself from them.. I have hid this stuff my whole life.. never letting anyone know me... and I am tried of hiding.. why should I.. why the fuck should I pretend I am this perfectly put together person.. part of the problem with this world is we wear these masks.. for what...

And I flipped out at some guy in this depression group...I hate it when you try to talk to people about depression and they say stuff like smile in a mirrior... I am a guy... unless I see a naked girl staring back, why would I smile at my ugly mug?  Makes no sense...

Another day in the life of a facebook developer trying to make his fortune with a Facebook app... I am going to use mind control now so prepare for it... in a deep voice.. you will go to my facebook app http://cybersweetness.com you will add yourself as a fan, you will click go to application, you will add your favorite websites, you will go to application settings and add the profile box... then you will go to my youtube page http://urlpirates.com and subscribe... and you will do this right now....

you could also go to http://gebalove.com or http://urlpirates.com and subscribe... up to you I suppose..

Posted via email from Gebalove

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I kiss animals on the lips

I was so tired in the morning and happy that Bob was driving. See when I drink... I drink a lot. I am Canadian... it is cold here. We have real beer with actual booze in it.. not that piss you americans drink.. what really bothered me about the US elections was nobody demanded beer with more booze in it.. if you are trying to get over this recession, you are going to have to have to get drunk on less money. The least the beer companies could do is give you more booze for the buck.

Anyways, we get done work by 12 and head off to an alligator farm place... I make Bob stop so I can buy a shirt and pair of shorts. I had a reason to look better..hot girl.. who I was seeing later that night...

So we arrive at this Alligator farm which serves beer much to my delight. I grab two and start watching this funny looking guy feed the gators. Personally I think anyone who holds on to a drumstick, letting go just as the gator chomps is a little bit nuts, but hey..its his life... and truth be told I would love to live like that...

After getting a boring speech on gators we all hop into this boat which has beer... I am loving this as I am starting to see two of everything... The guide then pulls out this big looking rat and lets it nibble on my ear... it had been awhile since I got any so I must admit to liking it...

We stop at this place.. what esle can I call it... it is like a little dock.. they take out baby snakes and alligators...

Me thinking I am cool, gets the guide to hang this itty bitty gator off my ear.. no pics of that, then I decide not thinking this thing has been eating chicken, bugs, whatever... to give a bigger gator a kiss...I kissed a gator on the lips... I don't even know if it was a male or female gator.. if it was male does that mean I am gay?

Truth was the kiss was better than most girls I have kissed...sad but true..

Unfortunatley they wouldn't let me kiss the snake though... apparently it would of bit me.. call me crazy but I wanted to get bit..but they wouldn't let me... arggggg...

Big fat rat

lips and all..

Honestly what is cooler than holding a crock.. every guy would love to have a pet croc if they could trust it wouldn't eat them..

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Life Chronicles: The fear is back

It is the same thing every morning. I wake up and decide do I have enough courage to get up and go to work today. Somedays it is yes, others it is no. The fear resides in the right side of my chest. Panic attacks where I feel this pain there. When they hit I have to think of a reason not to go to work because my boss and the people in my office, the highly educated people do not believe in such things as depression, social anxiety disorder or Seasonal Affective Disorder. They don't believe people can experience such pain in life that it can break them in ways where help is not so easy to find..

Truth is there is no real use trying to explain depression or real childhood issues to people who have lived normal lives. They rarely take the time to listen, they rarely really want to understand. Instead they use our confessions against us. Some might treat us like leopards... or like boss use it against me saying why are you emotional, are you not on your meds.. my own family has said such a thing. It is why I do not talk to my sister. She can't handle people have real problems...

See people who have suffered from depression know it is the most horrible thing in the world. To not be able to feel happiness... hopelessness... then it takes things from you. Friends are no longer friends, family is no longer family... or maybe it is me pushing people away because I lost the ability to trust at a young age..

So you can never relax around people, always afraid one mistake and they will leave... it becomes a mess of emotions... love.. the one thing we lack in our lives perhaps... it is too strong, too scary because love is such a precursor to sadness and if you feel depression... if you can be that sad you know how wonderful the highs are and how far you fall when it goes away.. you almost don't want to be happy. happiness scares you...

Sadness you learn to dull the pain so you can survive a life of pills, green smoke... and a TV filling up the silence...

And if you were unable to make close friends.. then you have nobody to disturb you... Tuesdays are the best for me.. cause that is when the new releases are in... but I have to be careful the wrong movie... and I will get sad... I don't dare listen to music either...

People ask me why I built this app.. for me it is to move to Malta... because there I have a friend... who makes me smile... who I can talk to about anything... and know she will still give me a hug after.... there I can maybe live on a boat... the ocean, it soothes my soul... I want to each sushi with her.... talk of god... of sunsets...of places to travel... I want to cry in her arms... listen to her dad ramble on about shit... have to smell her sisters farts....

That is what is www.CyberSweetness.com... if you want to help.. just tell people about this app, what would the top website be in the world if 100 000 people added the app?

Posted via email from Gebalove

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