My insides hurt

I have never been one to hold back.. to play the game.. I would always send encouraging quotes, say nice things, send flowers and try to help people see the good in them.. the problem was I never got it back.  It is like with Malta girl... she calls herself my friend but she never takes the time to text me back saying it cost too much, she rarely takes the time to really see how I am other than I hope you are doing well.. which is basically saying I care enough to mention you but if your not well ... who cares... her spending 15 minutes with you on chat is like this big thing.. when it would be normal for 90% of the other people in the world and not be this huge sacrifice on her part... with her I am always last.. or at least that is how she always makes me feel, like the least important person in her life.  And so today for the first time in my life I am not going to text her a quote or a nice message, I am not going to email her... I am simply going to let things be... and if she wants to know me.. if she wants to be my friend then it up to her to come to me cause I have nothing left to give.. I am a completely broken man.. she made me a yoyo and it destroyed me inside... she says I have trouble with trust but how could anyone trust someone who one day says one thing and the next day changes her mind... I do hope we become friends.. but I know inside I will never let myself feel love again.. I will never be able to look at a woman and utter those words or let myself feel love for if anyone utter those words to me I would walk away.. run away because I could never believe they would be real.. love for me is not a reality I want and yet it is all I want but I am too shattered inside.. I am out of ducktape or faith...

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Sad again

It is funny how badly sunny days and cloudy days affect me.. it is as if the rain is falling right upon me.. I hate the mornings the worst... to look at my email and see how so few care to know I am alive.. people who would call be friends yet never care to see how I am... I think I am going to go into a caccoon.. to disapear.. to never touch another... I have thought about this a lot lately.. about love.. about why I will never dare to love another and I have come to the conclusion that love has always been a curse for me.  I have never sat there and simply enjoyed what should be enjoyed right.  It has always left me feeling afraid... and then crushed when it leaves.. as it must with me.  I will nefver love again.  I will never let my heart feel that way for another because I will not survive the next fall.  I have lost too much already to love... I simply try to get up each day and survive.. this long weekend will be the same as all the previous... I will lay upon my couch watching videos trying to work with a brain full of green smoke.. just hoping to get through the day... I am a broken man... I fear I will always be a broken man...

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I am always the one who has to keep the friendship going..

People wonder why I have no friends.. why I don't go out.. why I sit at home all the time.. well it is because at some point in each persons life you can't be the one who initiates everything... you can't be the one who always emails or calls first.  With me it is that way with everyone.. I am nothing, nobody because if I do not write to others my inbox will be empty.. if I do not call others I will never talk to anybody... and I guess somewheres along the line I stopped being able to to be the one who always makes the first move... I guess along the way I lost faith in life.. I broke deep down and simply cannot handle living in this world where I am so easily forgotten.. I get up, I go to work, I go home... it is always the same.. there is no moments of smiles.. I haven't smiled, truly smiled in such a long time.. my only joy, if you can call it joy is going to a movie alone.. to leave work early... in time my words will become less.. and then in time my words will become none and all that will be left is this.. these blogs.. the only place I am ever heard is here and in my http://youtube.com/igebadia...  channel.. it is a strange reality never having anyone to just talk to.. I haven't sat on the phone.. or had coffee with a friend in months.. WIth the exception of Malta years... I am alone.. I will always be alone.... I thought about this morning and after my last experience I am fatally broken when it comes to love.. whatever faith I had in it is gone.. I cannot believe in it..  I do not believe I am worthy of such a feeling... I will never rish being happy again... happiness terrifies me because the moment I trust it, it goes away... I would rather just feel this dull sadness then ever feel that pain as happiness is ripped from me...

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Her perfume

She is in nice.. we were suppose to meet in nice.. I remember her perfume.. it was the only kind I ever loved.. she is the only girl I ever truly loved.. People say lots of fish in the sea but that is a myth for.. I can't even find the words.. I simply want to sit in front of my TV and watch the images fall by forgetting what it means to be alive.. I do not want any of this.. I do not want this life... I want a do over so I can be anything but me... I am pretending to be alive.. I am heatcliffe.. you will disagree which is fine.. even though statistically speaking it is certainly probably.. that a man could simply love a woman that much but be too broken inside from a childhood of pain to ever know that love.. to ever hold her in this life.. I do not want to grow old..

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I am empty inside...my words are gone..

I have nothing left inside.. love has left me a shriveled up shell of a man.. I remember her saying I restored her faith in ever after love... which is ironic cause she took mine.  We are friends or at least that is what we call ourselves but it is an illusion.  I had to fight and beg to get 15 minutes of her time to get simple answers to her questions.. she likes to say yes to many things and then forgets she ever said yes to them.  here I am trying to make enough money so my mother does not lose her house and trying to count on her is like trying to keep your footing under a sheet of ice... you never know what yes is real.  It is me she says who needs to learn to trust but how can I trust a woman who does not trust herself.. whose mind changes like the wind... who calls me a friend yet always puts me last.. it is always me giving her quotes, supporting her with kind words but such gifts are never returned... and so my chest is empty... as another person who I give to who does not give back.. it is the story of my life and why I shall never let my heart care for another again.. it is always the same story... I am destined to walk this world like a hermit among the millions.. surrounded but alone... The only sense of humanity I find is my videos on youtube which few actually watch... I will lie back now and just tell her I am well.  I cannot open my heart anymore.. I will never let my words fall for another.. I tried to find the way back to the man I was when I was younger but like before this world is not a place for that person.. this world has no room for poets and romantics... and so I lay to rest the last pure part of my soul and I shall remain this flawed broken man cracked from too much of life...

Posted via email from Gebalove

what love should be

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I have no poetry left in my heart

Words that once fell in love are now laced in pain... it is as if my heart leaks acid as I try to find something beautiful to say.  I do not want love and yet I wnat it more than anything in the world.  Its just the one my heart wants does not want me and I am left trying to walk through this world forever wanting what I cannot have.  The place inside me where words once fell is locked away trying in vain to hold back the tears that are always just waiting there hoping that just once I get a happy ending.. that this girl sees the beauty in me that no other ever has and yet I have no faith she ever will... and part of me knows that my time here on earth will not continue forever... that each day I am sad... I have lost something... before I always had hope but now I have none... the dream.. the one thing I have always wanted was in my grasp and the cracks from my childhood stole it from me once again... I shall never love again, I shall never let another woman touch me.. I shall never touch anyone again... I can't take the fall when they see the broken man enough and say I cannot love you... which they always do.. which everyone who has ever known me has said except my mother... but she has to love me.. my sisters have said they cannot love me...

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Every straight guy needs a lesbian for advice..

http://cybersweetness.com Hot girls have been using gay guys for advice for years... well dam it I got meself a lesbian friend for advice

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I was clingy

lost a girl cause I was being clingy..

go to http://gebadia.com if you have a video suggestion... or a question...

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men are like dogs, you need to train them

You wouldn't give a dog a treat if he poops all over the place..

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

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the penis lies to us men

don't believe anything a man says if he is horny...

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

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what is the deal with the low cut tops?

We have to look at your tits..

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

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why men love sports more than you woman...

Gebadia talks about why men love sports..

go to http://gebadia.com if you have a video suggestion... or a question...

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I am not a freak if I met a girl online

I am sick and tired of people calling me a freak because I met a girl online.

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

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I do not understand th whole hooker thing

 duscusses the problems with hookers..

go to http://gebadia.com if you have a video suggestion... or a question...

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Men need their porn...

girls never understand how porn, a little lube and five minutes of friction clear our heads...

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

Posted via email from Gebalove

How to get porn in Abu Dhabi..

http://www.gebalove.com Gebadia figures out how to get porn site in Abu Dhabi...

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

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how love makes you mental

http://www.gebalove.com 3 depressive episodes, one illusive girl equals one messed up boy...

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

Posted via email from Gebalove

Training so I look good when I meet gypsygirl...

http://www.gebalove.com getting in shape to see the girl of my dreams in malta..

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

Posted via email from Gebalove

I can't get porn in my google chrome in Dubai... it will lead me to hookers..

The first time I tried to get to my fav porn release the male in me porn sites in dubai google chrome in dubai said no thanks... later it worked in Firefox which was good cause there were hookers outside my hotel.. follow me on twitter http://www.twitter.com/togocats

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

Posted via email from Gebalove

oops forgot the last video

The first time I tried to get to my fav porn release the male in me porn sites in dubai google chrome in dubai said no thanks... later it worked in Firefox which was good cause there were hookers outside my hotel.. follow me on twitter http://www.twitter.com/togocats

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

Posted via email from Gebalove

Should you tell a girl you have been arrested before?

My friends say I should not be so open and honest about things but getting arrested saved my life... It made me become a better man.. and love....giving your heart to someone is a big thing.  If you care about someone you should be honest and let them decide if you are worth it...

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

Posted via email from Gebalove

Maybe we are love born again...

I don't get any of this..I don't deserve bella yet here I am and I am the luckiest guy in the world... If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.

Posted via email from Gebalove

Why nerds dance alone...

http://www.cybersweetness.com When you find the girl of your dreams and she is 2000 miles away....you need to unwind.. dance,dance

Posted via email from Gebalove

Would you dance like an idiot on youtube for love?

http://www.cybersweetness.com When you find the girl of your dreams and she is 2000 miles away....you need to unwind.. dance,dance

Posted via email from Gebalove

men need to pee on their woman in z Facebook

http://www.cybersweetness.com The relationship status...is our pee telling your male friends to stay away. Your ours..

Posted via email from Gebalove

What do you do to cure a broken heart?

http://www.cybersweetness.com sometimes when life gets too much I dance...

Posted via email from Gebalove

family is the worst

http://www.urlpirates.com Throughout this process of building a facebook app and trying to find my way in this world..a kind word means so much..something I never get from my family

Posted via email from Gebalove

I don't want to be me..

I am tired of being crazy...tired of this life I live..I want more...www.igebadia.com

Posted via email from Gebalove

they must be just be a dream

Sometimes I don't know if these girls that dance in my heart are real..http://www.cybersweetness.com

Posted via email from Gebalove

christmas wishes from the loneliest guy on xmas

It has been 5 years since I celebrated christmas... http://www..cybersweetness.com

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the event that shaped my life....

it is funny how one moment, one choice can change a life...http://www.cybersweetness.com

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I had meself some gsex

I wonder if Google ever thought their new gchat vid would be used for a stripping and a dancing....http://www.cybersweetness.com

Posted via email from Gebalove

Becoming the crazy people see

Often you become the crazy people see when they look at you after you suffer a depressive episode...           

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I gave a stolen teddy bear to a girl on valentines day..

Dave stole a teddy bear for me so I could give it to a girl on valentines day...

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I called her fat...

Went shopping wiht a girl and called her fat and then called her the wrong name...

The cats.. the cats.. told me to build a Facebook app to fund my quest to find the 5 daughters of chaos to free my gypsy princess from her curse.. http://cybersweetness.com  add yourself as a fan to help me get to malta so I might begin my quest...

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Gebalove...my battle with love

This is an introduction to gebalove which is a video blog about overcoming one's demons to find love.

The cats.. the cats.. told me to build a Facebook app to fund my quest to find the 5 daughters of chaos to free my gypsy princess from her curse.. http://cybersweetness.com  add yourself as a fan to help me get to malta so I might begin my quest...

Posted via email from Gebalove

bigger girls are better in bed..

Girls who have meet on their bones are better in bed..

The cats.. the cats.. told me to build a Facebook app to fund my quest to find the 5 daughters of chaos to free my gypsy princess from her curse.. http://cybersweetness.com  add yourself as a fan to help me get to malta so I might begin my quest...

Posted via email from Gebalove

saying your sorry with youtube...

I was an ass to a girl and this video got me another two weekends in her bed..

The cats.. the cats.. told me to build a Facebook app to fund my quest to find the 5 daughters of chaos to free my gypsy princess from her curse.. http://cybersweetness.com  add yourself as a fan to help me get to malta so I might begin my quest...

Posted via email from Gebalove

Date me please...

I built a facebook application to meet girls.. did it work..

The cats.. the cats.. told me to build a Facebook app to fund my quest to find the 5 daughters of chaos to free my gypsy princess from her curse.. http://cybersweetness.com  add yourself as a fan to help me get to malta so I might begin my quest...

Posted via email from Gebalove

Every straight guy needs a lesbian for advice..

Hot girls have been using gay guys for advice for years... well dam it I got meself a lesbian friend for advice

The cats.. the cats.. told me to build a Facebook app to fund my quest to find the 5 daughters of chaos to free my gypsy princess from her curse.. http://cybersweetness.com  add yourself as a fan to help me get to malta so I might begin my quest...

Posted via email from Gebalove

Get me to malta bitches...

I always ruin my relationships... if I just could have a little self confidence I would be married 4 times over.. My story is a simple one you know the messed up childhood, makes it so you can never trust anyone...

I already lost on truly amazing girl.. and let me tell you the really amazing ones.. they come along once in a lifetime, twice if your lucky... when you get one you should never screw it up... not in the way I did with aska...

For 5 years I waited, hoping everyday to find her again in every girl I met.. I never wanted the whole slut life.. I just wanted to get married and have kids... It is just I can't seem to the one thing and love myself..

This last one was hard... what would you say... what I want to say to her...

I should of spent more time just talking to you, learning about you, asking you questions like some little child completely fascinated with who you are.. I would of carried candles and wine and chocolate where ever we went.. I would of danced with you all over malta.. we would of went on lots of adventures.. wild rides.. things to truly...

Not that I don't have a chance.. I am going to help her launch her singing and writing carreer if she doesn't change her mind... I ain't going to lie but I want to be the one that discovers her.. she is the most brillliant woman I ever met... we danced beneath the rainbow... in the middle of a restarant...

The thing is we get along brilliant in person and if I ever hope to win her back I need to be in the same city as her to truly see how we would get along as friends.. that means me moving to malta...

She reads the bible to me and her voice is the only one who I can hear god from... I will most likely get crushed.. but if it gets me some more moments of walking the rock beaches of malta with her...

cause this time.. I am just going to spend my time enjoying her present.. because I know that it is likely I lost my chance at winning the heart of the girl who I have dreams of my whole in everyway... she is who I will always desire...

Still there is hope... if you all give me lots of money.. help me get to malta please.. paypal my ass a dollar or two... get me to malta..

If you have no money add my app and then I can try to get funding if I can get 10 000 users or maybe get on dragons den.. I would be like hey old men...who would try to take 50% of my company and I would laugh at them.. say for $2 million your only getting 30%.. lol.. I would probaby take $100 000 which would be enough to for a year of funding while I live in malta and be in the green within one year.. I just need to get to malta..

Edmonton for the last 5 years has brought on depression.. Each winter.. it is like clockwork.   Do you know what it is like to be sad for 4 months straight.. To literally hate like.. see I am predispositioned to depression.  I have the perfect childhood to be depressed over...  I smiled in Malta.. It felt like I was going home last time I was there..

There I have a friend.. a real friend who will listen to my stories..

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.
Mother Teresa

I need to leave edmonton to find my way....  to heal... I need friends...

http://cybersweetness.com 

Posted via email from Gebalove

Because I want to email her...

What words can describe the pain of losing a girl who said she saw such promise in your because you fell apart when you had to leave her twice.. because you are still so broken from a child hood that forever left you cracked inside unable to trust another human being...we danced beneath a rainbow on a rock beach while the waves crashed the shore and she song in my arms, we danced in the middle of the street.. every moment with her was like something out of a fairytale.. and now my only hope is to go to malta.. and be her friend and wowo her again.. to be the fireworks in her heart before she finds another.. when people ask me what http://cybersweetness.com, these blogs it is about the 1 and million chance I might find love again.. all I need is is $5000 a month and then I get to walk with a friend who read the bible, poetry with me... and if god doth truly want a happy ending for me me he gives me another chance to get it right with the girl my heart has imagined his whole life...

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Men need to be needed

It is just hard being a man these days and trying to find love.  Girls don't want to get married right away.. or they do not want kids.. or they are so independent they have no real idea to show you how they need you.. because need is a bad thing.. woman have gotten so independent that they don't need men.. but what they have forget is men need to be needed.  

Posted via email from Gebalove

How often do you check your inbox a day?

My computer is always near me.. kind of pathetic I know... it is because of the off chance someone will write to me.. doesn't make a lot of sense I suppose.. there email will not disapear.. it is just I am that lonely.. it has been 4 days maybe 5 maybe 10.. since anyone who cared about me emailed me.. they don't call.. I don't even look at the phone.. today wasa bad day...I am back on effexor and the side effects are comming...  I feel hopeless.. as if there is no point to getting up..I lay there all day watching TV...I cannot feel happiness.. I cannot remember the last time I really smiled..  I cannot remember the last time someone touched me...  I need to work on my app..http:.//cybersweetness.com  but I am too lonely.. I built the app so I might get to work with someone....but that never happens..I do not want success alone.. it would mean nothing..

Posted via email from Gebalove

What do you see god in?

So I open up my door to let my two dogs in.. one comes running in, tale and bum a wagging happy to seeme.. I am like where is java..   well the mom has fence off  have the yard so the grass will grow back.. there is java stuck...   I come out in my undies to help the dog out.. the dog jumps the fence and then does a face plant... I love my dogs.. I think god sees us through the eyes of animals..

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I am the dreamer...this is my story.. if you want to know me... this story you need to read..

When we grow up people love to tell us we can be anything if we just believe... we read stories and poetry of love lifts our hearts to the sky... what child has not wanted to be something amazing.. for me growing up I wanted to be a hockey player.. I wanted it more than anything else in this world.  Growing up in Edmonton Alberta with Wayne Gretzky number 99 the great one how could any child dream of anything else.. we were not rich.. in fact living on the coast of Bella Coola for a few years we lived in a log cabin with a tin roof that danced with the symphony of god during a rainstorm.. where a light in the bathroom was something magical to behold... in time when the owner of the cabin came to claim it.. took away the one place my mother was truly happy we moved into a house where we were able to rent a TV and every saturday we would watch Hockey night in canada... and sometimes during the winter we would get to go to the ice rink where my dad would play hockey while I sat on the sidelines... and some older guy took my christmas present.. my goalie stick.. and then he broke the tip of my koho.. not on purpose... still it was my goalie stick and my dad was more interested in other people liking him than noticing the boy who just wanted to play hockey...

One day I remember getting to play goalie.. for some reason there was knowone else and they let the little boy who hung around the hockey rink live his dream for an hour.. and I remember the way it felt when I didn't know where the puck was after a shot.. and the excitment of perhaps the puck was beneath me in the layer of pads..see I loved playing goalie.. all I ever wanted to be was a goalie.. but we were poor and there were no kids leagues in Bella Coola a small logging town on the coast of BC... but at 10 after my parents decided to get a dicoure and after living in a chicken coop and seeing my dad kiss another woman and seeing my mom naked with another man.... we moved to Edmonton and I was going to get that dream.. I was going to be a goalie... but somehow that dream got lost as the pads to be a goalie cost too much but I still could be a forward.. or a defense..children are more resiliant than you can imagine..

and there we were my dad and I in a hockey equipment store.. I was 10 or 11.. and as young boys are we are stubborn.. I wanted the bigger gloves.. my dad.. said I had to get the smaller ones.. we did not agree and we left the store and with that any chance I had of being a hockey player died.. I once read in my sisters diary that her dad killed her dreams.. upon that day the man who went to court to reduce his child support payments for $50 a month to $25 destroyed the greatest dream any boy growing up in Edmonton ever could have.. to be wayne gretzky....All I wanted to do as a child was play hockey... dads are suppose to make their kids dreams come true.. but to my dad I was worth $25 a month.. people wonder why I have no self esteem.. why I still cry myself to sleep at 32 years old.. why I just can never figure life out.. well how do you deal with the reality that you are worth so little...and perhaps if what happened next had not happened.. as I said children are resiliant creatures.. I was content to play with my little brother....in our basement appartment suite..

Every 4th saturday at 1 am WWF at the time would have this big wrestling show.. and we would stay up and watch it.. in fact we would stay up every saturday in hopes that the "saturday night live" meant wrestling and when it came on we wer Hulk Hogan and Andre the giant.. for children these were our heros larger than life...and sometimes we would even push all the furniture to the side.. and we would make goals and with a tennis ball and too small hockey sticks we were our hockey heros.. for a child there is never more joy than being able to let your imagination carry you like wings making this small little corner of the world a grand hockey rink with crowds roaing...

That was the last good memory I had as a child.. for a year or so later I was spendig the night at my best friends house.. jame james.. and we had made a fort out of blankets.. and he had his little brother there.. and he said to me that he wanted to get naked with me and rub our penises together.. I didn't want to.. but he told me it was normal.. and then he kissed his brother.. I wanted him to like me so I did....it happened twice.. no pentitration.. just 2 boys... one wanting the other to like him..

Its funny looking back.. how at 5 in an out house an older boy asked me to do the same thing.. at 7 in the back of a cab....with a different older friend.. and now at 13 teen... why at 13 did such an event effect me when before there is nothing.. no pain.. because at 13 I had become aware.. I knew of god.. and I think it was the fat that physcially it felt good that scared me the most even though at that age a tight pair of blue jeans feels good.. at that age yu are just realizing what a penis is... and maybe if my mother hadn't sunk in my head that homosexuality was wrrong.. that gay people were going to helll.. I would of been able to simply forget about it as I had done at 5 and 7... but such is not the world of religon.. where you are going to hell if you are gay.. and so from that moment on I lived in terror.. I prayed every cchance I ould for god to forgive me.. I would say over and over again I am not gay.. I am not gay.. I couldn't sleep because I would talk in my sleep.. I was terrified people would find out.. I could not get close to anyone..I could not have any guy friends.. I would just stand alone next to this cement wall and throw a ball back and forth.. it was my only joy in life for the rest of the time I lived in fear...

My sister.. my older sister who I do not talk to once was spying on me.. and I was afraid she heard me speak to god.. and I look back and maybe that is why we never speek.. because maybe she knew my greatest secret...

It is strange how that one event changed my life.. how I had no friends after that.. how I longed for friends.. about a year later I moved in with my mom.. there were all 4 kids.. and my mom in this little town house.. my borth and eye shared a room and my two sisters and my mom shared another.. my dad was more interested in finding a wife than being a father... we were poor.. someday we did not have food.. somedays I was beaten.. I don't blame my mother.. she cannot even admit to it.. I just wanted to not be so fucked up inside.. I made a friend at school... Mike was his name but he did not want to be my friend for long because maybe I walked funny.. maybe I wasn't cool.. I had no friends.. I remember collecting bottles and ordring SI.com so I could get Michael Jordan come fly with me.. and I remember calling up the proxy friends I had when I got the CD at lunch and asking if I could come over and watch it... I remember them saying no...I was the kid who just tried to find a group of people to hang around with so I would be alone in the play ground.. I was the guy nobody wanted around...

I remember the family firends getting a nintendo and all I wanted to do was come over and play Mike Tysons punch out.. with the family friends boys.. my age.. but they did not like me.. they liked my older sister and so every couple of days I would ask to spend the night and they would say no.. my heart was crushed..

At school winning a lunch with teacher was a nightmare because they always asked what does your mom do and we were poor.. we were on welfare.. and I had to lie..

That was my life.. but my mom even though at times she had beat me.. she had choked me, through her own madness at having her dreams stolen.. her heart broken with the help of my grand mother.. managed to afford the $1000 it took for me to play hockey one year.. and it was the best year of my life.. I got to go to NAIT in the summer and put on skates.. and learn to play hockey.. it was the most amazing time.. and then they had tryouts to see what level we belonged in. and me feelling joy for the first time in my life.. feelling free on that hockey rink tried harder than everyone else.. and likely got put into to high..  I was 15 and it was my first itme playing hockey.. I wasn't very good.. the first shift this big kid drove middle and scored on our goalie.. but I didn't care I was living the dream.. and the kids from my school who happened to be at the same rink as me would make fun of me.. they said I played the minimum amount of shifts a kid has to play.. meaning I was the worst player on my team.. but I did not care..

There was the blizzard of 88 where we had 2-3 feet of snow.. roads were snowed in.. school was cancelled and I made my mom shovel out the car..and drive to the rink... just on the off chance..to this day I still regret never having scored a goal.. If I could have one wish it would be to know that feeling to see the puck in the net...

I only got to play one year.. we were poor.. and the dream was to play hockey and have your dad spend time with you at the rink.. to play with you..

I could go on.. and someday I will tell you the tale how my childhood of pain decended into a life of darkness.. of broken relationships and pain.. how after too many one night stands I realized I was not gay... but I will stop here......because today I read the quiet words of a young lady.. a girl I told to follower her dreams..

She goes by vgirl.. she I am looking for an anime artist.. and she happened to say I draw anime in a facebook anime fanpage.. she shared her work with me.. and it did show promise but what I needed had to be done in photoshop.. I told her how she could take what others would have said is a hobby and make something of herself.. I told her of lynda.com which is a good place to learn how to use professional art software.. I told her of the different websites online like posterous which would allow her to article her journey.... but what I did not tell that young lady was of the cruelness of life.. how online just as in real life there are those who will rip your dreams, your most precious creativity from you.. who get a rush out of making you feel bad.. the trolls of the internet.. the scum.. the people that if I ever have my way will pay. the people who say whole heartly troll me not her.. because these were her words..

http://vgirl.posterous.com/whats-been-happening

"I recently put up a topic on a forum to sell my work. I instantly got
hated for it. "Why would people pay for that, couldn't they just copy
and paste it", "Your drawing is way out of proportion", "It makes me
want to throw up", "You're just another anime artist wannabe". It got
taken down but it still haunts me. It has gotten to me so much that I
can't sleep at night and the more I think about, the more I want to
overdose on medication or cut myself. "

I want to say big words like I will find those trolls who said such cruel things.... but what does that matter.. we are a cruel people.. we always seek to make those who seek to be more feel as if they cannot succeed.. and often in life we fail.. we fail over and over again... I do not know what to say to her.. I have cut myself.. I have taken 20 gravel and prayed I would not wake up.. I have longed for a gun...I am 32 years old living in my mothers basement suite.. a shatter man broken...

I have one friend in the whole world and even she barely believes in me beause the chasm inside me. the need to feel love is too great even for her.... my sister so not care for me.. my little brother who I might have saved from 10 years of meth lives in another provincce.. broken from a father.. a life.. a million variables....all he wanted to do was be an artist.. did my dad steal that from him..

And yet I still dream.. I dream of walking in malta with the girl I love who does not love me.. who is my friend and hearing her read me the bible.. even though it hurts me so much when the words of god are wrapped in her voice.. I hear them and feel as if there is hope for me... but my doubt creeps in because I am certain she will say I am not worth the hassle..

I have failed so much in my life.. I have failed as a son.. I have failed as a man..I have failed as a student...my mother mortgaged her house so I could build this application.. so I might find some sort of happines because I am stuck in a job I hate with a boss who thinks it is his duty to tell me I will fail at anything I try.. who without asking comes into my office and assumes I have failed at this webstuff...

Still even though I cannot find the courage to dream for me.. to really dram.. I can find the courage to dream for my friend roxanne.. so that she might find the strength to write.. to sing.. I have found the strength to love god for giving her such gifts.. such support.. I can find the strength to help my mom find her way back to write a childrens book...and this girl here..I will keep trying to help her find her way.. and anyone else who needs a dream I will give it to them.. anyone else who needs someone to believe in them.. they shall have me...

and then maybe.. when this life comes to an end there will be some purpose to me.. because when it comes to me.. I am just the boy looking at his life wondering why god made him....

Posted via email from Gebalove

I love god and hate him in the same moment

I love god for giving my mom the peace her heart has.. for making my dogs, for my cats and for so many of the miracles around me.. I just hate god for making me.. for cursing me with a mind full of memories that I have never been able to deal with.. for things I might never been able to forgive myself for...

Posted via email from Gebalove

Day 3 with no love

The only love I get is from email.. and it has been 3 days since anyone emailed me...  4 months since I had a phone call.. I need to start over.. I need to escape this reality.. I need to move to malta where I have a friend who will walk with me and talk to me about god.. how I want to hear her words...I just need to find a way to make enough money to do it....20% of my app..30% of my app http://cybersweetness.com for $200 000.. a $100 000. lol.. not worth that much yet.. perhaps it would be.. it will be.. I do not know.. I do not know.. argg..

I just don't want to be unhappy...

Posted via email from Gebalove

Life Chronicles: Day 1 without green smoke...

People say you can't get addicted to green smoke.. and they are right a person cannot get addicted to it, but their pain can. For me whenever I have been happy I never needed such distractions..problem is I have not been happy in so long.. this life did not turn out as I would of guessed or had hoped.. one event, one choice made me into something different...and what a terrible thing it must be to be different... how the world shuns you like you are an outcast.. how usually it is your family that is the worst.. how you have to try to kill that part of you that cares what people say and think.. how you become so fucked up you almost make it a predetermined destiny.. pushing those away who might care because you simply cannot understand why...

I want green smoke.. I want to stop feeling tears on the edge of my eyes.. I want to wake up and have a reason to live.. I want to not feel this lonlieness... so many wants.. no answers.. few of you will understand...

See it is simple science.. happy is a chemical in your brain or the ability to feel happy is a chemical.. when you don't have enough serotonin you are more predispositioned to feel sadness.. now I am sure you will say it is in my head and your right that is where the chemical reaction takes place..and it is a chemical reaction.. and it is almost sad how many people don't get that.. even thought if I were to talk of coke, or meth and talk about the chemical reaction that makes you would believe that.. why is it we cannot believe not enough of something could make us more prone to sadness..

I am sure you will come up with look in a mirror and smile..see more prone to sadness just means things are harder for me to deal with.. for me the underlining problem is what happened to me as a child made it impossible for me to be close to anyone.. I felt as if I was going to hell.. my belief in god destroyed me......and I am simple a jagged puzzle only a mother could love.. and so I am lonely... starving from years of not having love.. not being able to get love.. not being able to enjoy love because such an emotion is too powerful.. it needs trust and I have none.. I see myself as unlovable...

Day 1 without green smoke.. it is not a good one so far..

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Posted via email from Gebalove

A day in the life

I woke up this morning and had to go to the washroom.. it is about the only reason I had to actually get up.. for about an hour I just layed there trying to deal with the fact the one person I thought wanted a deep meaningful friendship with me didn't care enough to spend 20 minutes writing me an email goodbye before she left to volenteer for a month...all I got was a text message.. all I am worth is a text message.. people wonder why I have no confidence... see for me that is pretty much a normal morning.. I wake up at 5 am and check my email, I wake up at 6 am and check my email...at 7 am and then basically all day because I am so desperate for love...You might be saying why do you check your email?  Well nobody calls me... truth is nobody emails me either unless I email them.. malta girl was different.. was being the keyword until she made it very clear how little I mean to her..

I am the guy life forgot.. the boy who should not of been born because I have no reason to live... I haven't smiled.. I can't remember the last time I smiled and after malta girl I realize I just don't have it in me to let another person touch me again... I believe in love I just don't believe anyone could ever love me... since nobody ever has except my mother.. not my sisters, not my dad, not my friends.. when I had friends...I am what happens when you go without love to long..I am a broken man who sometimes finds his way out of bed and sometimes lays there in tears.. you can't tell people that.. they say it is in your head... maybe.. or maybe life can wreck someone so completely...

Truth is I look forward to the end.. I am too much of a coward to take my own life.. but my chest hurts..I am hoping it is something serious.. I was scared to find out at first but now.. I do not have a reason to live.... life is not fun...I look more forward to being asleep than away... it is a horrible way to live... I want to help malta girl discrover her voice.. she is very talented and leave this world forever..

Posted via email from Gebalove

There is no happy ending for me

For the first time since I met her I am to agree I fell in love with the wrong girl.. funny how I restored her faith in men and she stole my faith in woman... I have no happiness... I sit and stare at my inbox and only spammers care for me... I wait for the clock to click.. wait for my eyes to be heavy so one more day of this cursed like is to be gone...

Posted via email from Gebalove

What is the point?

She did not even find 20 minutes to send me an email saying goodbye before she went off on her adventure.. I love the girl but she is sometimes the coldest person I have ever met.. she spends so much time looking at the horizen that the moment you become old in her eyes you might as well be dead to her because no matter how much you try.. she does not forgivve... my gypy princess is as unforgiving as she is cold... I have no friends anymore... I am a begger of love.. praying..hoping for a friend that god never brings.. may you rot in hell god.. I want no part of you.. you are dead to me..I look at my life and say why did you ever make me...why...answer me... cause all I feel is pain.. I long for this life to end.. for it to be over..

Posted via email from Gebalove