Fuck you to all the woman in this world

I have finally after 33 years figured out woman.  They are all fucked in the head.  That is right, fucked in the head.  You want to get a girl don't treat her good, don't give her compliments, don't make her feel good about herself, don't do any of that nice stuff.  If you do all girls, ALL of them will walk the fuck over you...

Here I am talking to this girl who admits to me she finds this guy who is an absolute dog, a dog's dog, and she knows knows it, that he is attractive to her... are you fuckin kidding me I think to myself... the guy has kids he has never seen.. has stories that make a guy like me cringe.. I mean to other guys he is nice but to girls he is so rude.. and the fucked up thing is it works.. be an ass to girls..

I think about my own life.. I think about the last girl I was with and how she basically treated me like fucken crap while I did everything for that girl..

It is sad cause the only girl that ever treated me good was the girl I was an asshole to..  sure I could adopt god.. fake it, pray, not think for myself, ignore the fact that religion has ripped the world apart.. but hey I can't be that fucken fake... Woman want to know why men treat them bad.. there is a point in a man's like when they wake the fuck up and realize that to get a girl you have to kill the nice guy.. WELL FUCK you woman, I will never do that and so I say good bye..

I am done with dating.. with fucking.. with touching.. with anything to do with your idiot sex.. I use to be a nice guy and then I woke the fuck up...

They call me igebadia and today I am liberating myself from the FUCKEN vagina...

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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Will I ever be able to be happy and alone?

If it seems that I am feeling sorry for myself it is not the intent... the truth is in this life I have nobody I can just be totoally open and honest with.. one friend only wants short emails or she won't read them.. another simply gets too tired reading in a different language... and my heart is full of a million thoughts.. a million things dying to get out without someone to talk to.. people say depression is in your head... and they are right in that the problem is a chemical imbalance in the brain... Is there a cure?  If so I have not found it.. drugs lesson the effect but the truth is to really be able to live a content life because happiness is something we get sometimes I think you need tremendous kindness.. you need friends who are willing to distract you.. make you go out when you feel sad... who will sit with you and say just get it out.. do not worry you will offend me with your words.... I am not going anywheres.. tonight I am not going anywheres.. tonight we shall sit and cry together.. talk of death.. get out every morbid thought.. I do not have any answers expect I will hug you after and still feel the same way after...

Sadly I have never found anyone who cared enough about me to do this and the scars inside my heart are too prodound.. the hurt to great to ever let anyone get close to me again... I am sure your first instinct will be to say something like things will change.. but I am a very introspective person.. I spend all my time looking inside me, trying to understand me.. when I say I shall never love again...I say that as a man who has wanted nothing but love his own life but realizes something broke inside this time.. it is different.. I do not have any fight left.. I am beaten.. because I realize the problem isn't with anyone else but me.. a man unable to ever forgive himself for being 13teen... a man who has hated himself to the point he pretended to be anything but himself.. a man whose heart is like a wild fire burning out of control..

That is the hardest thing.. if I am not to find love what is the point of life?  I dream of travelling the world putting a face to the pollution companies have done... but that is not about being happy.. it is about helping the world because we are lost within the lies of profit...as for me inside.. I just want to not feel sad... not feel lonely...

but perhaps that is a dream for another life...

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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I cannot get close to anyone

It is always a new learning experience when I am around other people after a fail relationship.  You start to see how much you have lost and will never get back in a way.  Love lost in some ways hinders us from ever finding it again.. we crack inside and lose the ability to believe in love.. the last relationship I was in she said I restored her belief in male female love... and for me she took it away... I was having a cigarette and it hit me that I will not ever let myself get close to people again... that I am damaged and need to be alone as I am now.. in the cool confines of my hotel room... I don't want to go out and see the world because all it does is make my lonely.. and it is too much... too hard.. too much pain inside... life has broke me... it has won.. I simply want a future where I can live on my own with my dogs and not have to be around other people... I don't remember to be around other people..

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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Leaving my house just for a moment

I am a slave to my PC.. or mac I should say... desperate for a moment of kindness, an email from her.. the one that does not love me I wait desperately hoping she remembers to say hi... I know it is pathetic... even she admits she did not treat me well but a dog always comes back for more.. I am a dog.. it is how this world has always treated me.. kicked me.. I could tell you tales.. things... but you would say I don't want to hear you feel sorry for yourself... how me needing to talk is too hard to listen too.. how you would rather go online and hear other sad stories than someone you know cause then you might have to care... I hate this world.. I find no beauty in it.. getting older is about losing parts of you the best parts.. and in the end all you will have left is an empty shell....

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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Family is the worst when it comes to succeeding online

More than once in this process of trying to build a carreer for myself online I have wanted to blow my brains out because of how my family treats me.  They never respect what I am trying to do or how hard it is.  They never want to do simple things like be quiet when they come into a room because I am trying to do a video.  When you try to explain this they never take it seriously until you end up getting mad and then your the bad guy because you dared say be quiet.  Then they come up with I hope your successful so you can move out and at that point all I want to do is take a knife and slash my wrists.  It is another person in my life tellling me they care about me so much they want me gone... I tell you what.. one day they will have that wish... but not the way they think.. they will come home to my cold lifeless body... You know why I love to travel.. it is because then I don't have to be around these horrible people.. my family who always made me feel like I am a freak.. like there was something wrong with me.. WELL there was you fucken assholes.. but you ignored that didn't you... cause that is the world we live in.. the last people you can ever tell you have problems to is your fucken family... no wonder when I can finally afford to leave they will all be dead to me.. DEAD...

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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The worst feeling in the world is when they say they don't love you

It is a feeling I will never hear again and yet I will hear it everytime there is silence in the air.. it is the feeling that lives within my heart everytime I shut my eyes.. I do not love you... it is what they all say when they look inside and see somoene I do not love.. myself.. they see the way I hate who I am, I hate everything about myself.. This life will never be worth it.. if I had one wish it would be to never be because the scars I have upon my heart will forever doom me to a life I do not want...I do not get the h1n1 vacincation because I do not want to live..... but cannot die... suicide is not something I will do.. I keep asking god to take me.. to end this life of mine which is a waste.....but he won't and I hate god with all my heart for making me...

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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Here comes the madness once again

It has been so long since I actually talked to someone that I feel as if I will lose the ability.  It is always that way.  You go without and then when you meet someone the words fall so quickly... I struggle with reality.  This idea that I have to get a job in 2 months.  I feel beaten down inside from 6 years with a boss who made suicide look like a good option.. I feel the pressure of my debts which threaten to overwhelm me.. all I want in life is to be debt free.. it is something that you really don't understand until later in life.. until you realize that your heart longs for the south american oceans.. to wake up to the sun.. to wake up anywheres than north america which is devoid of beauty for me...  I can't tell anyone what I truly think about.. you never can because to talk about what I think would send people into a panic.. funny how in life we can never truly be honest because of how other people react.. truth is I dohn't really give a fuck anymore.. because even if they were to write.. they were to call I would not answer.. It is my bubble.. fuck the world and all its crap.. this blog is for me.. it is where I give my madness so if you can't handle it fuck off.. it is just the randomness of the mind and people who freak out when they hear the truth make it so many people feel alone cause in life all you really want mostly is people to shut up and listen.. and since life did not provide me this.. this blog is my bouncing board but don't think you know me cause you read these words.. you know nothing...

The thing about people who suffer from depression is death is always an option.. it is not irrational either.. it is a totally rational thought... I am worth $500 000 dead.. and it would pay off all my debt and my mom's.. I love my mom.. I want her to be able to retire in dignity... how can it not be an option.. the problem is suicide don't pay so well.. I wonder if that is the reason I am not getting the H1N1.. would I fight to stay alive if I got it?  Probably not because my mom's happiness is worth more than my life... and you might say she wouldn't be happy... maybe.. but she would understand.. this world for me will never hold the joy it once did...

I am a man.. growing up I loved more than anything else was playing sports.. man vs man in a battle of strength, will, determination.. we can lie to ourselves as we get older but life is never as good as it was when we were the star of the basketball team....

I have never fit anywheres in this world and maybe their is happiness out their but my debt.. the fact I am going to be forced to work at some job I hate.. to be around people who have settled in life.. the fact that nobody will hire the crazy man from youtube even though he likely knows more about social sites online than most people out their cause it is where the depressed of this world...the rejected the freaks in the circus of the internet live...

They call me igebadia.. and please check out my youtube channel.. http://youtube.com/gebalove click sub and get updates of the tales from a fractured mind... funny...truthful.. I have no edit button..

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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How life has changed me in my views towards gay people...

Michael from whatthebuck http://bit.ly/kBDpm did this video...
Using my gay for Good

I made this video to show at a charity event I was at this week. I talked about how I used my status on the internet to help LGBT equality. I am happy that I am the first gay person many of you have known.

This is the igebadia's video response http://youtube.com/gebalove

If you have a question for me the best way to reach me is http://gebadia.com  :) cheers

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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tales of a fractured mind: skydiving can lead to a dick in the ass at high velocity..

Brian from systemjap http://bit.ly/4mNrpR did this video...
Brian's Skydiving Experience

Hey guys long time no see! This Thanksgiving break I was visiting my dad in Houston, Texas. This is my video of my skydiving experience.
Hope you enjoy it and more videos are on the way =]
Thanks for the wait!

This is my response...tales of a fractured mind....

these are the tales from a mind damaged by life.. checkout me tube channel for insights and madness and so you will have a greater understanding of how to deal with crazy..they call me igebadia http://youtube.com/gebalove

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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I want green smoke

There it is.. the feeling of loneliness that washes over me, making me simply want to send my brain into drowsyville so I can escape.  I am back to sleeping the days away and staying up all night.  To get out of this pattern I have to stay up a full 24 hours and hope I will be able to fall asleep then.. I have to get off my sleeping pills, get off the green smoke, get off the booze and get in shape.. it is just what for.. the things that are wrong in my life are things that are not easily fixed.. I need to be able to afford to move out on my own.. but how is such a thing possible when every month I pay $2500 just on bills, I have no degree, only work experience and even then my training at my last job was so bad that to call it training would be an insult.  Innovation was discouraged and new ideas were often met with ridicule not because of the idea but who presented the idea.  In many ways the verbal abuse I took on my last job really damaged any confidence I have.. I started drinking doing green smoke to simply survive what I would call battered employee syndrome where often work was so bad I would come home and think of killing myself.. working their sent me into the worst major depressive episode of my life..

Still depression should be a really good point on the resume right.. suffered from depression, never went out and spent all my time online.. can your business degree employees say that?

Posted via email from a fractured mind...

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